"Hmm. Interesting, if somewhat disgusting, concept.
However, since I punched Mr McCandless in the jaw following
a drinking contest in which we, together with Bob Wright of
ION Storm, consumed numerous beers, three Jack Daniels, a
vodka, a tequila and a bottle of single malt Scotch, I
think nuptials are out of the question.
- ZDNet's CAL JONES dismisses NTK plans to marry her off to
fellow Quake journo David McCandless in an extended "lifematch"
- the lady doth protest too much, methinks
>> HARD NEWS <<
micro softies
Possibly in protest to the recent criminalisation of not-
for-profit software copying in the States, gunmen broke
into an East Kilbride CD plant and stole 100,000 MICROSOFT
CD-ROMs plus 200,000 holographic certificates of
authorisation. Actually, it's more likely to be an armed
response to decreasing RAM prices, leading to a decline in
"RAM-raiding" and a return to, ah, black market content
provision. Microsoft attorney Nancy Anderson warned buyers
to be on the lookout for software with "unusually low
prices, no support manuals... and unprofessional
backup...". Fine - but how do we spot the stuff that
*isn't* legal MS merchandise?
http://www.microsoft.com/corpinfo/press/1997/Nov97/thompspr.htm
- if they cut the holograms in half, would they get 400,000?
http://www.macresource.pair.com/mrp/ramwatch/trend.shtml
- Buy RAM! Sell CDs! Steal warez!
A great Web job, we like to say, is 80% perspiration and
20% termination - an adage born out with this week's
freshly killed jobs. In the US, WIRED DIGITAL, the no-
longer "Hot" Wired Web concern, culled a fifth of its
squealing monkeys, while MSN quietly began global
optimisations that will lead to a 20% speed-up in their
payroll software. MSN is dumping content creation
worldwide, moving to a cheaper "rip-off Yahoo" business
plan. One casualty at MSN UK was producer STEVE BILLINGER,
which now makes him an ex-ex-TV executive. "We really did
tap into a desire from independent TV producers," he told
The Guardian, revealing the wide-ranging knowledge of the
Web audience that got him where he is today. "They were
frustrated making CD-ROMs that were not getting into the
shops and not getting used." Not as frustrated as anyone
who tried to bloody use them, Steve. Still, better luck
next medium!
http://www.msn.co.uk/
- and that "TV-style Web shows" model was *so* promising
http://www.hotwired.com/
- dream-on jobs
So, is the world really out to get Microsoft? Judging by
the votes to make SUN the official source for the official
International Standards Organisation's (ISO) Java
specification, almost certainly yes. Despite confident
crows by Redmond that Sun was, as a profit-making company,
an unreliable guardian of an important industry standard
(Kettle, Pot - Pot, Kettle), almost every country voted to
support the proposal. The exceptions were freedom-loving
China and the United States committee (who, coincidentally,
held their meeting at Microsoft headquarters). Before Sun
get excited, it's worth noting that the previous Language-
Most-Likely-To-Succeed, C++, has just reached the end of
its own ISO standardisation process. C++ first appeared
around 1980.
http://www.research.att.com/~bs/bs_faq.html
- C++ inventor Bjarne Stroustrop thinks "Java advertising
inaccurate and offensive". ANTI-NEWS!
http://www.iso.ch/
- Mind you, they sorted out BASIC way back in 1991
And finally, in this special all-Microsoft supplement: BILL
GATES showed his new relaxed nature at COMDEX this week,
with a light-hearted keynote address not dissimilar to that
of the later, more "relaxed" Roman Emperors. Highlights
included: live on-stage threatening of NT code-slaves
(Lackey: "Hahaha. Must be a problem with this new beta
[gulp]" Bill: "Mmmm... snappy"), public humiliation of
court favourites (Steve Balmer was made to dress up as a
QVC salesman and pitch Microsoft Bob), and parades of
captured dignitaries (basketball king Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
made to admit he couldn't double-click as well as Bill).
Bill giggled like John Hurt's Caligula when pro-democratic
weaklings were mentioned (the DoJ, Ralph Nader), and
quietened only when a 6ft Praetorian Guard marine, Major
Jim Cummiskey, stormed the stage. (Major Cummiskey:
"knowing where the enemy is, and being able to call fire on
him, to have him stop hurting you is really important to
us." Bill: [nervous laughter]).
http://www.mbay.net/~jccummis/cgi-bin/mortgage.cgi?
- Be afraid, Bill. The Major uses Perl.
http://www.microsoft.com/corpinfo/default.htm#comdex
- Transcript edited for clarity, obscenities
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
news we knew you knew
COMPUSERVE losing money, subscribers... Oftel reports BTNET
"not priced anti-competitively" (really?)... Bug in POWERPC
750 found... Telegraph readers take "Alzheimer-riddled"
CONNECTED game review personally... EXCEL bug found in
numbers smaller than 10^-1,000,000,000... COCA-COLA
accounts for "less than 2" of the 64 ounces of liquid the
average person needs each day, complains Coke CEO... new
GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS high-score compo doesn't realise
it'll be a record if anyone's still playing Nintendo's
SHADOWS OF THE EMPIRE in a year's time... IE 5.0 due before
NT 5.0... COMPUSERVE magazine apologises for mis-spelling
dyslexia URLs... NOP survey reveals students believe
working with computers will "isolate them from people" (and
that this is a bad thing)... Website runs with headline
"GARY GLITTER to pull out of Children in Need"...
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
stacking the "odds"
Even if you've never heard of the games biz "Indin"
(INdustry DINner) that it's an alternative to, you may
still be able to have a good time at December's NINDIN (the
"N" is presumably a prefix "NOT" operator). Held at "The
Iceni" in Mayfair, London, 9pm-4am, Mon 15/12/97, tax-
deductible tickets are UKP50 each (or UKP300 for 10),
apparently in aid of Amnesty International. Last we heard,
they were still encouraging people to "forward this mail to
all your friends". You're our friends, aren't you? Contact
Alison Beasley on 01608 645756 or nindin97@dial.pipex.com
to check current status.
And what of the real NTK .NOT Awards? Patience, citizen.
Despite a profound slackness on our part in arranging a
venue (although we had a chance at the Astoria this week -
yes, be impressed), this years' celebration of all that is
technologically mediocre WILL go ahead, even if we have to
do it back at Dave's flat. But only with your help! That's
right, the scrupulously democratic .NOT Awards requires
your input. Go now to our NOMINATIONS PAGE, and enter your
selection of the very Worst of the British Net under our
easy-to-understand categories. Your "reward"? A chance to
hear "NTK Live!", the beta audio version of this dumb
newsletter as premiered to the first 200 NTK subscribers
earlier this month, and described as "[the] shit" by those
who attended. High-concept entertainment for the high-
bandwidth consumer.
http://www.ntk.net/not.cgi
- No, the CGI doesn't check for swearwords. Sigh.
http://www.ntk.net/live/ ooh! Secret trapdoor link!
>> BIG TRACKING <<
chestnuts roasting on a Pentium heatsink
In a move as symbolically resonant as that urban myth where a
Japanese department store supposedly nailed a Santa Claus
effigy to a crucifix, American branches of TOYS R US have
sacked Father Christmas. Instead of mailing letters to the
fictional consumerist icon, young customers can now set up a
"gift registry" (like for wedding presents) at their favourite
branch, and go round scanning the barcodes of the presents they
want using light pens. It's hoped this may avoid the potential
disappointments of the previous system, which required
sophisticated moral judgements on "who's naughty" and "who's
nice".
http://www.toyrus.co.uk/
- ...millions, says "Geoffrey", all under one roof
For everyone who felt that family board games were
insufficiently like Command & Conquer: ZENTERTAINMENT reports
that DCP Games have devised a "new advancement" on the ancient
table-top favourite, Checkers (marketed in this country as
"Draughts"). The new variant, called CUBE CHECKERS, replaces
all the pieces with dice-like cubes which are rotated "over to
the next highest number... to survive jump attacks and become a
king". It's endorsed by TV funnyman Bill Cosby, perhaps noting
his skill at transcending traditional white/black boundaries.
http://www.imall.com/stores/dcpltd
- from the folks who brought you 4-player chess
The Perl lover in your life will never stop thanking you
for THE O'REILLY PERL RESOURCE KIT this Noel. Well,
actually they will. They'll thank you once, a little
awkwardly, then go very quiet as they flip through the
three new Perl books, the CPAN CD-ROM and a Perl/Java
module written especially for them by Larry Wall, creator
of Perl. Then you won't see them until the New Year, when
they'll return from the computer room drooling and
delirious.
http://perl.oreilly.com/prk_index.html
- and that's what comes of dating Perl users.
How many times have you promised to construct a solar-
powered subsumption-architecture spider-legged toilet-
cleaning robot for *your* family? Keep your resolution this
year and order THE MONDOTRONICS CATALOGUE. With robot kits
that begin for the age 7s, reels of muscle wire as used on
Pathfinder, programmable bots from MIT, Fischertechnik,
videos of Silent Running, 130-part Dalek models, user
instructions like "Hey, what if you're not Asimov, Edison,
Tesla and Turing all rolled into one? Don't worry, nobody
is!", a unique Austrian product best described as "My First
Machining Lathe" *and* BASIC type-in listings, how could
you go wrong? Batteries not included.
http://www.robotstore.com/
- we meant the movie. And, yes, they have it
Meanwhile, in freebie land, Jean-Louis Gassee's BeOS
operating system has become freely available for download
on Minitel - sorry, the Internet. It's around 9 megs of
gloriously obscurantist operating system for most PowerPC
Macs, and is ready to install straight onto a Zip or Jaz
cartridge - perfect as a little "wrapping" on your backup-
medium prezzie for your favourite Mac geek.
http://www.be.com/ just be. Just you.
True to the season, Apache, the Webserver of choice for
UNIX weenies has made it over No-Man's-Land to play footie
with the Windows platform. The executable is only a
megabyte, and the server is fast and fully configurable,
allowing you to quickly set up an impressive Web presence
that will reach - ooh, almost as far as your company's
firewall. Check it out, Wintel scum.
http://www.apache.org/ for those office party intranets
>> MEMEPOOL <<
hasta la altavista
oh, how swiftly/ the SATSUMAS of autumn/ are replaced by/
winter's CLEMENTINES... Finns use mobiles to operate
VENDING MACHINES - Brits use mobiles to watch TV (at
Waterloo station)... it's "Magic Eye" meets Ascii Art meets
"Where's Wally?" - www.photomosaic.com ... Dilbert's SCOTT
ADAMS masquerades as consultant, fools Logitech
executives... Kaczynski to Shrink: You Are the Enemy -
WIRED NEWS... The "UNIX Power Tools" Purity Test...
www.morgan-auctions.co.uk/ ... DUNE prequels to be written
by Frank's son (aka Herbert Messiah) and Kevin J Anderson
(former SFX sci-fi author of the year - for novelising the
X Files)... down with logic gates - up with look-up
tables... "Make Your Own Bombs, Fight The Bloody IRA!!!"
USENET spam... Wing Commander - the Movie ... GUARDIAN to
"outsource" Media Lab to Online Magic?... fuck Barbie, it's
a LASSIE WAR out there - http://members.aol.com/LassieNet/
... upcoming X-MEN movie - directed by Bryan "Usual
Suspects" Singer, stars Patrick "Trek: TNG" Stewart?...
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
multicast, full-motion, streaming ... stuff
TV>> occasionally amusing sitcom eponym ELLEN (9.35pm, Fri,
C4) doesn't start this series as a lesbian (though there
are hints) but - according to current US reports - ends up
trying to "out" Emma Thompson... is the uselessness of VR
cash-in nonsense THE LAWNMOWER MAN (10.15pm, Sat, ITV)
actually a cunning satire on flaws in the CDRS Viewperf
benchmark?... more episodes this time for the (often
excellent) ADAM AND JOE SHOW (11pm, Sat, C4) may help them
shake off that "junior Lee & Herring" tag... contrary to
Time Out's ill-informed "preview", radio docu POP GOES THE
WEB (9.30pm, Sun, Radio 1) devotes about half its airtime
to kewl MPEG sites... the Radio Times perhaps shares too
much by describing voyeur-murders classic PEEPING TOM
(10pm, Sun, C4) as "a stunning metaphor for an audience's
relationship with the screen"... if anyone can make
something interesting out of "what happened here?" ramble
THE HISTORY HOUR (1.10pm, Mon-Fri, BBC2), it'll be cycling
Local Heroes nutcase, Adam Hart-Davis... no, EQUINOX (9pm,
Mon, C4) *isn't* taking the mickey (as far as we know) with
an early-mammals expose entitled "When Pigs Ruled The
World"... if Dominik Diamond *does* decide this should be
the "last ever" series of GAMESMASTER (6pm, Wed, C4),
surely they should just promote the recently re-instated
Patrick Moore... vast numbers of Britain's youth now seem
to be hooked on cult-smack-fest TRAINSPOTTING (10pm, Wed,
C4), though it's a shame the film doesn't sustain the Press
Gang-inspired witty dialogue it starts off with... oh, and
animation mag DOPE SHEET (12midnight, Thu, C4) tries to
interview Chuck Jones - as he scampers away from them and
drops anvils on their heads...
MOVIES>> sheesh, you wait all year for a gruelling war-
what-is-it-good-for? drama - and then three of 'em turn up
at once: WELCOME TO SARAJEVO (imdb: war / drama) is based
on ITN journo Michael Nicholson's real-life Bosnian-
adopting antics, with Woody Harrelson as his sarcastic
friend... REGENERATION (imdb: war / drama / psychology) is
like Blackadder Goes Forth, only with war poems instead of
jokes (did anyone *not* do Wilfred Owen at O-Level?)... and
Brad Pitt and David Thewlis use comedy Nazi accents to
enliven Dalai Lama ding-dong SEVEN YEARS IN TIBET (imdb:
drama / biographical)... and if that doesn't leave you with
post-traumatic stress disorder - you wait all year for a
quirky American class-conflict romance, then two of 'em
turn up at once: INVENTING THE ABBOTTS (imdb: drama /
romance / 1950s / class-conflict) has Liv Tyler and
Jennifer "Labyrinth, The Rocketeer" Connelly, while LAWN
DOGS (imdb: drama) is like The Lawnmower Man without any
computer graphics (- yikes!)... Alicia Silverstone seems to
be playing the title role in EXCESS BAGGAGE (imdb:
adventure / comedy), while Tim Robbins and Christoper
Walken clearly had NOTHING TO LOSE (imdb: adventure /
comedy) - you wait all year for a zany botched-kidnapping
buddy flick, then... alright, just pointing out that,
including A Life Less Ordinary, this makes three of them in
as many weeks, OK?
GAMES>> G-POLICE, COLONY WARS, OVERBOARD even? - yes, it
would be a shame if Psygnosis drifted back to their "looks
great, plays like a brick" reputation, especially for
anyone who still remembers their graphics-heavy Amiga
snoozerama SHADOW OF THE BEAST... put your foot down: TOTAL
DRIVING (Ocean, PlayStation) feels like a kids' version of
the still matchless V-RALLY, while TOCA (Codemasters,
PlayStation) isn't bad but doesn't match the insanely
uncontrollable speeds of TOURING CAR (Sega, Saturn) - and
disappointingly (for Telegraph readers?) upcoming Sony '98
racer GRAN TURISMO does not feature speeding Grandmas...
well, obviously they couldn't afford to license the
likeness of Harrison Ford (though *surely* they could have
got Daryl Hannah or Rutger Hauer) but - to stay true to the
film - shouldn't the point of BLADE RUNNER (Westwood, PC)
be that you empathise more with the replicants than with
the "humans"?... no recoil required for the extended
version of arcade lightgun fave TIME CRISIS (Namco/Sony,
PlayStation) - one of the few remaining games that still
lets you shoot "real" people...
>> COMPO <<
losers take all
Last week's sarcastic acrostic acted as an intriguing
benchmark of all your counting skills - with the first
entries coming from Perl coders, swiftly followed by some
guy who said he worked it out using GNU Emacs. But it's not
speed and it's not style that matters here - because it's
completely bloody arbitrary. The randomly selected winner
was Demon subscriber LINDSAY GILMOUR, who gets a copy of
BLADE RUNNER (the game), some "intelligent" drum and bass,
a ticket to those elusive .NOT awards, and 20cl of
champagne (in a bottle, you'll be reassured to hear). And
if you'd like a chance to win this week's riches, just
track down the hacked website www.*.co.uk/now.html, where
'*' is the parent brand whose "biggest" product delivers
precisely this heady cocktail of nutritional info:
Energy: 2.5kJ (0.6kcal), Protein: 0.1g,
Carbohydrate 0.1g (of which sugars: NIL), Fat:
NIL (of which saturates: NIL), Fibre: NIL - and
a delightful "trace" of Sodium!
(oh, and then you have to mail us the answer, obviously).
Alternatively, if you're a corporate Webmaster who'd like
to put your career on the line for the sake of a stupid
prank (whose results we can never properly publicise
anyway), off you go to http://www.spesh.com/compo/ (Oh, and
for a complete copy of the rules and conditions, please
refer to The Computer Misuse Act, 1990.)
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
It is registered at the Post Office as "peaking too soon, seasonally".
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
Archive - http://www.ntk.net/
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