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                 "Hmm. Interesting, if somewhat disgusting, concept.
         However, since I punched Mr McCandless in the jaw following
         a drinking contest in which we, together with Bob Wright of
           ION Storm, consumed numerous beers, three Jack Daniels, a
              vodka, a tequila and a bottle of single malt Scotch, I
                             think nuptials are out of the question.
         - ZDNet's CAL JONES dismisses NTK plans to marry her off to
         fellow Quake journo David McCandless in an extended "lifematch"
                          - the lady doth protest too much, methinks


                               >> HARD NEWS <<
                                micro softies

         Possibly in protest to the recent criminalisation of not-
         for-profit software copying in the States, gunmen broke
         into an East Kilbride CD plant and stole 100,000 MICROSOFT
         CD-ROMs plus 200,000 holographic certificates of
         authorisation. Actually, it's more likely to be an armed
         response to decreasing RAM prices, leading to a decline in
         "RAM-raiding" and a return to, ah, black market content
         provision. Microsoft attorney Nancy Anderson warned buyers
         to be on the lookout for software with "unusually low
         prices, no support manuals... and unprofessional
         backup...". Fine - but how do we spot the stuff that
         *isn't* legal MS merchandise?
         http://www.microsoft.com/corpinfo/press/1997/Nov97/thompspr.htm
         - if they cut the holograms in half, would they get 400,000?
         http://www.macresource.pair.com/mrp/ramwatch/trend.shtml
                                   - Buy RAM! Sell CDs! Steal warez!

         A great Web job, we like to say, is 80% perspiration and
         20% termination - an adage born out with this week's
         freshly killed jobs. In the US, WIRED DIGITAL, the no-
         longer "Hot" Wired Web concern, culled a fifth of its
         squealing monkeys, while MSN quietly began global
         optimisations that will lead to a 20% speed-up in their
         payroll software. MSN is dumping content creation
         worldwide, moving to a cheaper "rip-off Yahoo" business
         plan. One casualty at MSN UK was producer STEVE BILLINGER,
         which now makes him an ex-ex-TV executive. "We really did
         tap into a desire from independent TV producers," he told
         The Guardian, revealing the wide-ranging knowledge of the
         Web audience that got him where he is today. "They were
         frustrated making CD-ROMs that were not getting into the
         shops and not getting used." Not as frustrated as anyone
         who tried to bloody use them, Steve. Still, better luck
         next medium!
         http://www.msn.co.uk/
            - and that "TV-style Web shows" model was *so* promising
         http://www.hotwired.com/
                                                     - dream-on jobs

         So, is the world really out to get Microsoft? Judging by
         the votes to make SUN the official source for the official
         International Standards Organisation's (ISO) Java
         specification, almost certainly yes. Despite confident
         crows by Redmond that Sun was, as a profit-making company,
         an unreliable guardian of an important industry standard
         (Kettle, Pot - Pot, Kettle), almost every country voted to
         support the proposal. The exceptions were freedom-loving
         China and the United States committee (who, coincidentally,
         held their meeting at Microsoft headquarters). Before Sun
         get excited, it's worth noting that the previous Language-
         Most-Likely-To-Succeed, C++, has just reached the end of
         its own ISO standardisation process. C++ first appeared
         around 1980.
         http://www.research.att.com/~bs/bs_faq.html
         - C++ inventor Bjarne Stroustrop thinks "Java advertising
         inaccurate and offensive". ANTI-NEWS!
         http://www.iso.ch/
                  - Mind you, they sorted out BASIC way back in 1991

         And finally, in this special all-Microsoft supplement: BILL
         GATES showed his new relaxed nature at COMDEX this week,
         with a light-hearted keynote address not dissimilar to that
         of the later, more "relaxed" Roman Emperors. Highlights
         included: live on-stage threatening of NT code-slaves
         (Lackey: "Hahaha. Must be a problem with this new beta
         [gulp]" Bill: "Mmmm... snappy"), public humiliation of
         court favourites (Steve Balmer was made to dress up as a
         QVC salesman and pitch Microsoft Bob), and parades of
         captured dignitaries (basketball king Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
         made to admit he couldn't double-click as well as Bill).
         Bill giggled like John Hurt's Caligula when pro-democratic
         weaklings were mentioned (the DoJ, Ralph Nader), and
         quietened only when a 6ft Praetorian Guard marine, Major
         Jim Cummiskey, stormed the stage. (Major Cummiskey:
         "knowing where the enemy is, and being able to call fire on
         him, to have him stop hurting you is really important to
         us." Bill: [nervous laughter]).
         http://www.mbay.net/~jccummis/cgi-bin/mortgage.cgi?
                             - Be afraid, Bill. The Major uses Perl.
         http://www.microsoft.com/corpinfo/default.htm#comdex
                        - Transcript edited for clarity, obscenities


                               >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                            news we knew you knew

         COMPUSERVE losing money, subscribers... Oftel reports BTNET
         "not priced anti-competitively" (really?)... Bug in POWERPC
         750 found... Telegraph readers take "Alzheimer-riddled"
         CONNECTED game review personally... EXCEL bug found in
         numbers smaller than 10^-1,000,000,000... COCA-COLA
         accounts for "less than 2" of the 64 ounces of liquid the
         average person needs each day, complains Coke CEO... new
         GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS high-score compo doesn't realise
         it'll be a record if anyone's still playing Nintendo's
         SHADOWS OF THE EMPIRE in a year's time... IE 5.0 due before
         NT 5.0... COMPUSERVE magazine apologises for mis-spelling
         dyslexia URLs... NOP survey reveals students believe
         working with computers will "isolate them from people" (and
         that this is a bad thing)... Website runs with headline
         "GARY GLITTER to pull out of Children in Need"...


                              >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                             stacking the "odds"

         Even if you've never heard of the games biz "Indin"
         (INdustry DINner) that it's an alternative to, you may
         still be able to have a good time at December's NINDIN (the
         "N" is presumably a prefix "NOT" operator). Held at "The
         Iceni" in Mayfair, London, 9pm-4am, Mon 15/12/97, tax-
         deductible tickets are UKP50 each (or UKP300 for 10),
         apparently in aid of Amnesty International. Last we heard,
         they were still encouraging people to "forward this mail to
         all your friends". You're our friends, aren't you? Contact
         Alison Beasley on 01608 645756 or nindin97@dial.pipex.com
         to check current status.

         And what of the real NTK .NOT Awards? Patience, citizen.
         Despite a profound slackness on our part in arranging a
         venue (although we had a chance at the Astoria this week -
         yes, be impressed), this years' celebration of all that is
         technologically mediocre WILL go ahead, even if we have to
         do it back at Dave's flat. But only with your help! That's
         right, the scrupulously democratic .NOT Awards requires
         your input. Go now to our NOMINATIONS PAGE, and enter your
         selection of the very Worst of the British Net under our
         easy-to-understand categories. Your "reward"? A chance to
         hear "NTK Live!", the beta audio version of this dumb
         newsletter as premiered to the first 200 NTK subscribers
         earlier this month, and described as "[the] shit" by those
         who attended. High-concept entertainment for the high-
         bandwidth consumer.
         http://www.ntk.net/not.cgi
                   - No, the CGI doesn't check for swearwords. Sigh.
         http://www.ntk.net/live/         ooh! Secret trapdoor link!


                              >> BIG TRACKING <<
                   chestnuts roasting on a Pentium heatsink

         In a move as symbolically resonant as that urban myth where a
         Japanese department store supposedly nailed a Santa Claus
         effigy to a crucifix, American branches of TOYS R US have
         sacked Father Christmas. Instead of mailing letters to the
         fictional consumerist icon, young customers can now set up a
         "gift registry" (like for wedding presents) at their favourite
         branch, and go round scanning the barcodes of the presents they
         want using light pens. It's hoped this may avoid the potential
         disappointments of the previous system, which required
         sophisticated moral judgements on "who's naughty" and "who's
         nice".
         http://www.toyrus.co.uk/
                  - ...millions, says "Geoffrey", all under one roof

         For everyone who felt that family board games were
         insufficiently like Command & Conquer: ZENTERTAINMENT reports
         that DCP Games have devised a "new advancement" on the ancient
         table-top favourite, Checkers (marketed in this country as
         "Draughts"). The new variant, called CUBE CHECKERS, replaces
         all the pieces with dice-like cubes which are rotated "over to
         the next highest number... to survive jump attacks and become a
         king". It's endorsed by TV funnyman Bill Cosby, perhaps noting
         his skill at transcending traditional white/black boundaries.
         http://www.imall.com/stores/dcpltd
                     - from the folks who brought you 4-player chess

         The Perl lover in your life will never stop thanking you
         for THE O'REILLY PERL RESOURCE KIT this Noel. Well,
         actually they will. They'll thank you once, a little
         awkwardly, then go very quiet as they flip through the
         three new Perl books, the CPAN CD-ROM and a Perl/Java
         module written especially for them by Larry Wall, creator
         of Perl. Then you won't see them until the New Year, when
         they'll return from the computer room drooling and
         delirious.
         http://perl.oreilly.com/prk_index.html
                       - and that's what comes of dating Perl users.

         How many times have you promised to construct a solar-
         powered subsumption-architecture spider-legged toilet-
         cleaning robot for *your* family? Keep your resolution this
         year and order THE MONDOTRONICS CATALOGUE. With robot kits
         that begin for the age 7s, reels of muscle wire as used on
         Pathfinder, programmable bots from MIT, Fischertechnik,
         videos of Silent Running, 130-part Dalek models, user
         instructions like "Hey, what if you're not Asimov, Edison,
         Tesla and Turing all rolled into one? Don't worry, nobody
         is!", a unique Austrian product best described as "My First
         Machining Lathe" *and* BASIC type-in listings, how could
         you go wrong? Batteries not included.
         http://www.robotstore.com/
                        - we meant the movie. And, yes, they have it

         Meanwhile, in freebie land, Jean-Louis Gassee's BeOS
         operating system has become freely available for download
         on Minitel - sorry, the Internet. It's around 9 megs of
         gloriously obscurantist operating system for most PowerPC
         Macs, and is ready to install straight onto a Zip or Jaz
         cartridge - perfect as a little "wrapping" on your backup-
         medium prezzie for your favourite Mac geek.
         http://www.be.com/                       just be. Just you.

         True to the season, Apache, the Webserver of choice for
         UNIX weenies has made it over No-Man's-Land to play footie
         with the Windows platform. The executable is only a
         megabyte, and the server is fast and fully configurable,
         allowing you to quickly set up an impressive Web presence
         that will reach - ooh, almost as far as your company's
         firewall. Check it out, Wintel scum.
         http://www.apache.org/     for those office party intranets


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         oh, how swiftly/ the SATSUMAS of autumn/ are replaced by/
         winter's CLEMENTINES... Finns use mobiles to operate
         VENDING MACHINES - Brits use mobiles to watch TV (at
         Waterloo station)... it's "Magic Eye" meets Ascii Art meets
         "Where's Wally?" - www.photomosaic.com ... Dilbert's SCOTT
         ADAMS masquerades as consultant, fools Logitech
         executives... Kaczynski to Shrink: You Are the Enemy -
         WIRED NEWS... The "UNIX Power Tools" Purity Test...
         www.morgan-auctions.co.uk/ ... DUNE prequels to be written
         by Frank's son (aka Herbert Messiah) and Kevin J Anderson
         (former SFX sci-fi author of the year - for novelising the
         X Files)... down with logic gates - up with look-up
         tables... "Make Your Own Bombs, Fight The Bloody IRA!!!"
         USENET spam... Wing Commander - the Movie ... GUARDIAN to
         "outsource" Media Lab to Online Magic?... fuck Barbie, it's
         a LASSIE WAR out there - http://members.aol.com/LassieNet/
         ... upcoming X-MEN movie - directed by Bryan "Usual
         Suspects" Singer, stars Patrick "Trek: TNG" Stewart?...


                               >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                 multicast, full-motion, streaming ... stuff

         TV>> occasionally amusing sitcom eponym ELLEN (9.35pm, Fri,
         C4) doesn't start this series as a lesbian (though there
         are hints) but - according to current US reports - ends up
         trying to "out" Emma Thompson... is the uselessness of VR
         cash-in nonsense THE LAWNMOWER MAN (10.15pm, Sat, ITV)
         actually a cunning satire on flaws in the CDRS Viewperf
         benchmark?... more episodes this time for the (often
         excellent) ADAM AND JOE SHOW (11pm, Sat, C4) may help them
         shake off that "junior Lee & Herring" tag... contrary to
         Time Out's ill-informed "preview", radio docu POP GOES THE
         WEB (9.30pm, Sun, Radio 1) devotes about half its airtime
         to kewl MPEG sites... the Radio Times perhaps shares too
         much by describing voyeur-murders classic PEEPING TOM
         (10pm, Sun, C4) as "a stunning metaphor for an audience's
         relationship with the screen"... if anyone can make
         something interesting out of "what happened here?" ramble
         THE HISTORY HOUR (1.10pm, Mon-Fri, BBC2), it'll be cycling
         Local Heroes nutcase, Adam Hart-Davis... no, EQUINOX (9pm,
         Mon, C4) *isn't* taking the mickey (as far as we know) with
         an early-mammals expose entitled "When Pigs Ruled The
         World"... if Dominik Diamond *does* decide this should be
         the "last ever" series of GAMESMASTER (6pm, Wed, C4),
         surely they should just promote the recently re-instated
         Patrick Moore... vast numbers of Britain's youth now seem
         to be hooked on cult-smack-fest TRAINSPOTTING (10pm, Wed,
         C4), though it's a shame the film doesn't sustain the Press
         Gang-inspired witty dialogue it starts off with... oh, and
         animation mag DOPE SHEET (12midnight, Thu, C4) tries to
         interview Chuck Jones - as he scampers away from them and
         drops anvils on their heads...

         MOVIES>> sheesh, you wait all year for a gruelling war-
         what-is-it-good-for? drama - and then three of 'em turn up
         at once: WELCOME TO SARAJEVO (imdb: war / drama) is based
         on ITN journo Michael Nicholson's real-life Bosnian-
         adopting antics, with Woody Harrelson as his sarcastic
         friend... REGENERATION (imdb: war / drama / psychology) is
         like Blackadder Goes Forth, only with war poems instead of
         jokes (did anyone *not* do Wilfred Owen at O-Level?)... and
         Brad Pitt and David Thewlis use comedy Nazi accents to
         enliven Dalai Lama ding-dong SEVEN YEARS IN TIBET (imdb:
         drama / biographical)... and if that doesn't leave you with
         post-traumatic stress disorder - you wait all year for a
         quirky American class-conflict romance, then two of 'em
         turn up at once: INVENTING THE ABBOTTS (imdb: drama /
         romance / 1950s / class-conflict) has Liv Tyler and
         Jennifer "Labyrinth, The Rocketeer" Connelly, while LAWN
         DOGS (imdb: drama) is like The Lawnmower Man without any
         computer graphics (- yikes!)... Alicia Silverstone seems to
         be playing the title role in EXCESS BAGGAGE (imdb:
         adventure / comedy), while Tim Robbins and Christoper
         Walken clearly had NOTHING TO LOSE (imdb: adventure /
         comedy) - you wait all year for a zany botched-kidnapping
         buddy flick, then... alright, just pointing out that,
         including A Life Less Ordinary, this makes three of them in
         as many weeks, OK?

         GAMES>> G-POLICE, COLONY WARS, OVERBOARD even? - yes, it
         would be a shame if Psygnosis drifted back to their "looks
         great, plays like a brick" reputation, especially for
         anyone who still remembers their graphics-heavy Amiga
         snoozerama SHADOW OF THE BEAST... put your foot down: TOTAL
         DRIVING (Ocean, PlayStation) feels like a kids' version of
         the still matchless V-RALLY, while TOCA (Codemasters,
         PlayStation) isn't bad but doesn't match the insanely
         uncontrollable speeds of TOURING CAR (Sega, Saturn) - and
         disappointingly (for Telegraph readers?) upcoming Sony '98
         racer GRAN TURISMO does not feature speeding Grandmas...
         well, obviously they couldn't afford to license the
         likeness of Harrison Ford (though *surely* they could have
         got Daryl Hannah or Rutger Hauer) but - to stay true to the
         film - shouldn't the point of BLADE RUNNER (Westwood, PC)
         be that you empathise more with the replicants than with
         the "humans"?... no recoil required for the extended
         version of arcade lightgun fave TIME CRISIS (Namco/Sony,
         PlayStation) - one of the few remaining games that still
         lets you shoot "real" people...


                                 >> COMPO <<
                               losers take all

         Last week's sarcastic acrostic acted as an intriguing
         benchmark of all your counting skills - with the first
         entries coming from Perl coders, swiftly followed by some
         guy who said he worked it out using GNU Emacs. But it's not
         speed and it's not style that matters here - because it's
         completely bloody arbitrary. The randomly selected winner
         was Demon subscriber LINDSAY GILMOUR, who gets a copy of
         BLADE RUNNER (the game), some "intelligent" drum and bass,
         a ticket to those elusive .NOT awards, and 20cl of
         champagne (in a bottle, you'll be reassured to hear). And
         if you'd like a chance to win this week's riches, just
         track down the hacked website www.*.co.uk/now.html, where
         '*' is the parent brand whose "biggest" product delivers
         precisely this heady cocktail of nutritional info:

              Energy: 2.5kJ (0.6kcal), Protein: 0.1g,
              Carbohydrate 0.1g (of which sugars: NIL), Fat:
              NIL (of which saturates: NIL), Fibre: NIL - and
              a delightful "trace" of Sodium!

         (oh, and then you have to mail us the answer, obviously).
         Alternatively, if you're a corporate Webmaster who'd like
         to put your career on the line for the sake of a stupid
         prank (whose results we can never properly publicise
         anyway), off you go to http://www.spesh.com/compo/ (Oh, and
         for a complete copy of the rules and conditions, please
         refer to The Computer Misuse Act, 1990.)


                              >> SMALL PRINT <<

      Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
        happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
      on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
    nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
    It is registered at the Post Office as "peaking too soon, seasonally".

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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