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         "Nobody was trying to do anything malicious. We just
         optimized too much."
              JANPIETER SCHEERDER, SunSoft President, after Sun were
              caught cheating in the Java compiler benchmarks
                   ...and if it's too fast, it's not Pure Java (tm)


                               >> HARD NEWS <<
                                  short fuse

         It's rare that hexadecimal turns out to be so viciously
         onomatopoeic. The "F00F" bug, revealed on newsgroups last
         Friday, is just four bytes which, executed by a Pentium,
         freeze the chip and snap the spine of even the most heavily
         defended Intel-based operating system (oh yes, Linux too).
         Most of the technical press nobly chose not to reveal the
         final two bytes, confident in the knowledge that h/\c<er
         d00dz would never spend ten seconds at DejaNews discovering
         that it's "C7C8". Meanwhile, INTEL's bunny-suited
         spokespeople fed clueless hacks bizarre reassurances that
         it was not a problem - and even if it was, it wasn't
         Intel's. The NY Times reported that "the problem appears to
         be a virus affecting processor performance, rather than a
         flaw in the chip" (phew - it's only a *self-replicating*
         defect), while one Intel rep executed the evergreen "Push
         Problem To Source" command, claiming "that the flaw was
         found by an Intel competitor looking for undocumented
         instructions on the chip". Gad, how low can people sink?
         (The F00F bug, needless to say, does not occur in any
         competing Pentium clones.)
         http://people.delphi.com/gjc/crashme.html
             - PowerPC and ARM users! Get famous! Find your own bug!
         http://www.ee.surrey.ac.uk/Personal/L.Wood/IE4res/
         - Combine F00F and the new IE4.0 bug to crash your PC remotely

         "Was that it?", APPLE's European PowerPC product manager was
         said to mutter after Steve Jobs's world-shaking press
         conference on Monday. And it was. The big three announcements,
         relayed live to Apple offices around the world were: brand new
         super 233Mhz+ PowerPC machines (great!), super new direct-
         selling Apple Web Store (note: American orders only), and
         incredible new customised manufacturing scheme (not available
         outside the US). We're assuming this is Apple's ongoing
         punishment of "the countries for the rest of us" for sending
         them Jean-Louis Gassee.
         http://www.apple.com      Cute accent. Are you from France?
         http://www.macosrumors.com
         - "misguided and inaccurate information" - Wall Street Journal

         There are, sadly, some news stories that are so
         unbelievable, or so depressing, that even we are obliged to
         deliver them in a gratingly trivial funny-back-page-of-
         technical-mag style. Here goes. "Item! EASYNET received
         15,000 copies of their latest client software from the
         pressing plant this week, all ready for the Christmas rush.
         Imagine their seasonal delight when the packaged CDs were
         found to contain, not a full ISP connection kit, but copies
         of David Essex's Christmas Hits. Elsewhere, rumours
         knocking around top nobs in the new media community suggest
         that a sizeable chunk of MSN UK's staff are in for a *very*
         nasty Xmas bonus. Ho, Ho, Ho!" Now, where's the Dettol?
         http://www.headland.co.uk/war-of-the-worlds/biogs/essex.html
                                              - Halt! Oo goes there?
         http://www.uk.msn.com/    Bill knows who's naughty and nice



                               >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         BT to re-launch ISDN - again... still no definitive
         evidence that cell phones cause health problems, cautious
         scientists repeat slowly... HOTWIRED's "RGB Gallery"
         showcases art from - two HotWired designers... Shetland
         links case settled during 3 hour wait for court Net
         connection to work... DAILY MAIL blasts Carmaggeddon as
         "sickest ever" video game... "New Zealand man confesses to
         filming up thousands of skirts" - Nando Infotech...  Future
         Publishing's new business mag, INTERNET.WORKS, fails to
         register internetworks.com, settles for appalling iwks.com
         instead... ICA's tortuous BroadVision Website at
         www.mediacentre.com not Y2K compliant... LARA CROFT actress
         still "not fired - just not doing many promo appearances"
         in week of TR2 launch... FILM THREAT WEEKLY back again,
         ditto the (weirdly similar) CINEZINE... MICROSOFT tells DOJ
         they knew they were going to integrate browser in late 1993
         - this would be around the time "Blackbird" was going to
         replace HTML, right, Bill?... Myst-sequel RIVEN will not
         debut with "blockbuster sales", warn BRODERBUND... animated
         GIFs on Microsoft site created with MAC SHAREWARE...


                              >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                          stick that in your cronjob

         Could next week's COMDEX be the dullest yet? Tough call,
         but by concentrating on the industry's core areas of tedium
         (networking software, Windows CE palmtops and the latest
         mousemats) the Las Vegas exhibition looks to have beaten
         even its own sanity-shattering records. Check out the line-
         up: keynote speakers include NOVELL and CISCO CEOs, a beta
         of Microsoft Exchange '98 is promised, Web TV technology
         showcases - oh, the non-attractions are (perceptually)
         endless. You're better off staying at home (like you could
         afford to go anyway) and ordering the *only* decent new
         Comdex product by mail: that'll be, of course, Rocky
         Mountain Traders's "Monimals" - the Damien-Hirst-like
         computer accessory that "turns monitors into sheeps, cows,
         lions and moose." (0171 631 0707 for more details).
         http://www.comdex.com
           - time to trot out the "porn flick awards" stories again.


                                >> TRACKING <<
                    look, over there! The Goodyear Blimp!

         Remember when Microsoft pointed out that if MS IE4.0 was
         not Java Compliant, you should see what Netscape's Java
         Machine did to the test suite? And everyone went "shut up,
         shut up", because they knew it was true? Well, the new 4.04
         release NETSCAPE COMMUNICATOR  fixes that problem. The bugs
         are still there, naturally (what would a commercial browser
         be without them?). But they have rather sweetly removed the
         Java logo from the About... screen. View Source gives the
         sheepish explanation...
         ftp://ftp.netscape.com/pub/communicator/4.04/shipping/english/
         http://www.operasoftware.com
         - buggy, bit amateurish, but tiny - and a bit more honest

         The name of PC Zone journo, warez apologist and 1995 UK
         Doom Champion DAVID MCCANDLESS may sound a bit like David
         McAlmont, but his self-pressed debut album sounds more like
         David Byrne's Oasis tribute band doing novelty Radiohead
         cover versions - in a good way, of course. True to his
         geekazoid roots, McCandless has recorded the whole thing,
         Jyoti-Mishra-style, on his bedroom PC for about 130 quid -
         though, disappointingly, the catchy title track, "Smoother
         And Faster", appears to be some sort of love song, rather
         than a celebration of the improved performance of the Quake
         2 graphics engine.
         http://www.wakeywakey.com/
         - UKP6.99. Ask for a copy of his "TrekMaster" book, too
         http://wwww.hotwired.com/wired/5.04/warez/
         - those MP3 demons coming home to roost now, eh Macca?

         Sticking for the moment with the UK's first-person-
         shooterati, NTK is always reassured to see net journos
         veering wildly off their usual subjects, as ZDNet's "First
         Lady Of Quake", CAL JONES, has managed for two weeks in a
         row now. But when the digressions take the form of detailed
         accounts of state-of-the-art rollercoaster tech (including
         the Intamin Eurostar, the Togo Ultratwister, and Alton
         Towers' upcoming Secret Weapon 4) - who's complaining?
         Beats the (somewhat less thrilling) ups and downs of the PC
         games biz every time.
         http://www1.zdnet.com/cgwuk/cal/cal10.html
         http://www1.zdnet.com/cgwuk/cal/cal11.html
         - imagine some sort of Dune-like parallel universe, where, in a
         strategic alliance between House Dennis and The Ziff-Davis
         Imperium, Cal Jones was forced to marry David McCandless, to
         produce THE ULTIMATE QUAKE-CHILD. Just a thought...



                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         do the brownian motion... Steve Jobs for CEO - of SGI, that
         is... www.henson.com - to work with PSYGNOSIS?...
         APOCALYPSE CLARKSON... "Spam is good for the net - it
         teaches newbies about regular expressions"... spot today's
         crashes at www.mae.net/east.stats.html ... ALT tags: the
         New Content... BANDAI founder Naoharu Yamashina dies - at a
         record 17 days old... Fire International's ERAZER MP5...
         memo to ICA: putting shouty poets next to SPARCstations and
         painted-over Doom screendumps does not constitute "art"...
         www.affection.net/~jamesc/bettyford/ ... is that a GameBoy
         POCKET MONSTER in your trousers, or are Nintendo just
         pleased to sell something?... new PIXAR short, Geri's Game,
         is an old man playing chess, and *not* another sodding
         Spice Girls spin-off... Judge Zobel "nobbled" by EDWARD
         WOODWARD (aka The Equaliser)?... HYPER YO-YOS... live
         PARAPPA-fans' rap contest in Tokyo... character based on
         Cherie BLAIR in STREETFIGHER EX PLUS?... fanfic of the
         week: www.angelfire.com/sc/screamlouder/ ...


                               >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                         inter-inactive entertainment

         TV >> Nice Painter, Suits You, Check-out Girl - the only
         thing they don't have is a sketch with two guys constantly
         repeating their favourite catchphrases from the FAST SHOW
         (9.30pm, Fri, BBC2) - though, on second thoughts, that
         could apply to all of them... as if a triple bill of the
         repetitive MAN FROM UNCLE (BBC2, Sat) wasn't insane enough,
         the first starts at 7am, the last at 2.35... Christmas
         comes early with SCROOGED (9pm, Sat, BBC1), a surprisingly
         good Bill Murray/ Lee Majors comedy (and there's something
         you can't say every day)... even compared to "new" You've
         Been Framed, AS SEEN ON TV (11.20am, Sun, BBC2) is still
         the best camcorder show of all time... weirdly, it isn't
         just a repeat (or even a re-CGI'd "Special Edition"), but a
         total remake of BBC perennial THE PHOENIX AND THE CARPET
         (5pm, Sun, BBC2) - though unlikely to match the bawdy
         frolics of period drama TOM JONES (9pm, Sun, BBC1), with
         Brian Blessed in full "Gordon's *alive*?" form... here's
         hoping the (more entertaining) "M" variant gets equal time
         when THE SOUTH BANK SHOW (10.50pm, Sun, ITV) profiles Iain
         Banks... sparks will fly as MOVERS AND SHAKERS (8pm, Mon,
         C4) looks at Scalextric fans, while EQUINOX (9pm, Mon, C4)
         discovers another exciting interviewee (a 96-year-old
         survivor of the Tunguska explosion), in an edition
         prosaically entitled "The Day The Earth Got Hit"... surely
         Jennifer "Rachel from Friends" Aniston can maintain the
         level of swearing one has come to expect from THE LARRY
         SANDERS SHOW (11.40pm, Tue, BBC2)?... forget scientologist
         L Ron Hubbard's SECRET LIVES (Wed, 9pm, C4) - how did he
         manage to publish several huge sci-fi novels several years
         after his "death"?... Eric Bogosian plays an out-of-control
         shock-jock in TALK RADIO (9pm, Thu, C5), arguably Oliver
         Stone's most watchable movie (and you don't hear that too
         often either)...

         MOVIES >> GI JANE (imdb: action / drama / navy / commando /
         training / feminism / prejudice) is by far the most
         viciously sadistic film of the year, maybe even enough to
         make you forgive Demi Moore for The Scarlet Letter and
         Striptease?... everyone seems to love Kevin Smith's
         fanboy/lesbian romance CHASING AMY (imdb: romance /
         jealousy / friendship / love / comics / lesbian / gay /
         comedy / hockey / sexuality / foul-language / vulgarity /
         lesbian-scene / drama) - though it's not as unpleasantly
         funny as his magnum opus, Clerks... from 1992, the re-
         released FULL CONTACT (imdb: action) is probably for the
         more dedicated fans of Ringo Lam, Chow Yun-Fat, Hong Kong
         chop-socky (or Quentin Tarantino)... making this week's
         out-of-nowhere surprise recommendation the lamer-vs-Kramer
         courtroom farce TRIAL AND ERROR (imdb: comedy) - with
         Michael Richards (from Seinfeld), Rip Torn (from Larry
         Sanders), and, er, the same director as the Sgt Bilko movie
         and Nuns On The Run...

         MEAL REPLACEMENT PRODUCTS >> NTK's "f00d d00d" Ben Moor
         reports that WRIGLEY'S new menthol/eucalyptus chewing gum,
         AIRWAVES, has a total nutritional content of "almost zero"
         (across all categories), and bears the small-print warning
         "Excessive consumption may produce laxative effects". All
         in all, a big thumbs-up then, apart from the product's
         taste - "like sucking radio"... we don't know what scared
         us more: a) BURGEN bread with "added plant oestrogens", b)
         KELLOGG'S appropriating your mum's rice-krispie cakes into
         the tasty (but geometrically misguided) SQUARES - or c) the
         apparent replacement of DAIRYLEA DIP & PIZZA CRACKERS by
         the shockingly bland DAIRYLEA DIP & BREADSTICKS. Come on,
         Kraft! they're competing for the same ecological snack-
         niche!... can't seem to find the new Nestle MAVERICK bar
         anywhere, but CADBURY persist with woeful attempts at a
         citrus/chocolate crossover with the "limited edition" TIME
         OUT ORANGE (you can see why - it's disgusting). In fact,
         their plain Dairy-Milk-style ORANGE bar ("Orange Flavoured
         Milk Chocolate") isn't too bad, but still has about as much
         chance against Terry's original choc-orange-spin-off as
         Nestle's HERCULES MAGIC BALL has against the GLOWING
         GHOSTIES KINDER EGGS...

                                >> COMPO <<
                  with added P45 - see www.spesh.com/compo/

         Oh, too easy again, was it? Well then, I suppose you won't
         mind if the prize goes to Dr Nik Cain, one of the few
         contestants who didn't pepper his entry with jeers and cat-
         calls at our generous nature. The good Dr receives a copy
         of THE LEVELLERS album (yes, be impressed), a NINTENDO
         GOLDENEYE poster, and Star Trek: Starfleet Academy (which,
         should Interplay be reading this, is NOT a competition
         prize - Nik is officially reviewing it for NTK, and anyway
         I've already opened the box and installed it on my machine,
         and it's great, so what's the problem, huh?). Plus,
         naturellement, the free invite to the .NOT Awards. Which
         we're really are going to announce next week. Ahem. Here's
         this weeks' URL. As ever, it's in the form
         http://www.*.com/now.html. And the wildcard is:

	 The 1st l. in the 30th, 23rd, 97th, 255th, 179th,
         144th, 107th, 124th, 176th, 103rd, 52nd, 26th,
         155th, and 254th l.s of t.m.

         Remember, there's still time to contribute your own
         URL/now.html combo. Yeah, you might lose your job, but when
         the boss hauls you in, just say you know a guy who edits
         this newsletter, and one time he put in a forthcoming diary
         event that actually happened exactly a year previously, and
         they didn't sack *him*, so why should you have to go? [See
         last week's Event Queue. NTK regrets the error.]


                              >> SMALL PRINT <<

      Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
        happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
      on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
    nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
            It is registered at the Post Office as "http in '93".
    <shemp.ncsa.uiuc.edu/NCSA/SDG/Experimental/demoweb/old/marc-info.html>

                                 NEED TO KNOW
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