_   _ _____ _  __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
| \ | |_   _| |/ / _ __   __2004-04-02_ o       join! sign up at
|  \| | | | | ' / | '_ \ / _ \ \ /\ / / o    http://lists.ntk.net/
| |\  | | | | . \ | | | | (_) \ v  v /  o website (+ archive) lives at:
|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/   o     http://www.ntk.net/


        "Ten years out, in terms of actual hardware costs you can 
         almost think of hardware as being free..."
         - Bill Gates over-reacts to getting a scanner *and* a printer
                                               bundled with his new PC
http://www.reuters.co.uk/newsArticle.jhtml?type=internetNews&storyID=4693305


                               >> HARD NEWS <<
                             like Louis Theroux
 
         Thanks be to the radically distributed nature of teh
         Intahweb, instead of (say) two or three weak jokes being
         enforced on us by the goliath media conglomerate juntahs,
         we can now suffer billions of April Fool japes, merrily
         filling up your inbox, clogging your RSS feed, and archiving
         and indexing themselves for eternity - to the point where
         the whole tradition has moved from "an excuse for funny
         jokes" to "day of the tedious lies". The funniest ones remain
         the self-reflexive fools: Google Mail *chortle*, Freeserve
         renaming itself Wanadoo *snurk*... and, for us, this
         wording on a recent Dreamweaver Upgrade FAQ: "Q. Is there any
         new functionality in this update? A. This update does not
         add any new functionality to Dreamweaver MX 2004. We wanted
         to offer the updater to our users for free and, to comply
         with US accounting rules, we couldn't include any additional
         functionality and not charge for it." Excellent prank on the
         already jittery Free Software Movement, Macromedia. In
         America, you legally can't provide features *without*
         charging money? Told you we should have fought the TANSTAAFL
         Act of 2003 while we had the chance, comrades!
http://www.macromedia.com/software/dreamweaver/productinfo/faq/updater/#item-5
              - release date: March 11. now it makes even *less* sense
http://www.mallesons.com/publications/information_technology/6988799W.htm
                                    - still think they're making it up
         http://www.livejournal.com/users/moroveus/138722.html
                                          - okay, this was quite funny

         You'll be pleased to know that Tony Blair now thinks "there
         is no longer a civil liberties objection to [ID cards] in
         the vast majority of quarters", and so he's now on for
         rolling them out as quickly as poss. Must have been that "ID 
         cards would have saved the Morecambe Bay cockle pickers"
         argument that won us all over, then. Meanwhile, those two
         last stragglers, Ross Anderson and John Gilmore met the
         full logical force of the opposition's arguments. John
         Gilmore's commendably quixotic attempt to show that he
         shouldn't have to show ID on internal flights stumbled in 
         the US courts; and poor old Ross Anderson finds he has to 
         show a passport to cash a thousand quid cheque at his home 
         branch of Natwest. I think that's *them* convinced of the 
         need for compulsory ID, Prime Minister.
http://www.downingstreetsays.org/archives/000431.html#scraper406d2fbc.164
                                   - well now that we're all agreed...
         http://www.spy.org.uk/spyblog/
           -  ...we can do without that whole oversight business, yes?
      http://politechbot.com/pipermail/politech/2004-March/000550.html
                                                   - suspected tourist
      http://politechbot.com/pipermail/politech/2004-April/000575.html
               - and then they came for the kittens and i said nothing
         http://www.efc.ca/pages/media/nz-computerworld.12may97a.html
           - you'd think that Natwest would know Mr Anderson by now...


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         just wondering where the OFT might have found all these dodgy 
         schemes: http://www.ntk.net/2004/04/02/dohoft.gif ... heavy, 
         man: http://www.ntk.net/2004/04/02/dohpu.gif ... Jo Moore? Jo 
         Brand?: http://www.ntk.net/2004/04/02/dohjo.gif ... Welsh 
         edition: http://www.ntk.net/2004/04/02/dohfro.gif ... GOOGLE 
         GOOFS of the month: "ass-needed basis", "Microsoft Widows", 
         "guset of honor", "heart rendering", "ascetically pleasing", 
         http://www.google.com/search?q=%22goof+friday%22+christ , 
         http://www.google.com/search?q=antedepressants - as prescribed 
         by http://www.google.com/search?q=anti-natal clinics. Oh and: 
       http://www.google.com/search?q=%22text+is+invisible+on+the+page%22
         - web design secrets revealed... Beeb's productivity-reducing 
         tips: http://www.ntk.net/2004/04/02/dohprod.gif ... the jazz 
         classic: http://www.ntk.net/2004/04/02/dohcolo.gif ... Noddy 
         Holder's son: http://www.ntk.net/2004/04/02/dohholder.gif ... 


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         GOTOs considered non-harmful

         Not too much happening next week (though free registration for 
         UK Wifi exhibition at Olympia next Tue & Wed), so consider 
         this advance warning of PROFESSOR KEVIN WARWICK's whirlwind 
         tour of London on Monday 2004-04-19 - registrations for his 
         keynote at "Ubiquitous Computing" conference UBICONF (9am, 
         Gresham College, Holborn, London EC1N, free) are now full, 
         though they promise to "contact you" if a space becomes 
         available/ Warwick manages to "upload" himself into a laptop 
         or something. Then it's just a quick dash across town for a 
         debate with Edinburgh University roboteer PROF CHRIS MALCOLM 
         on INTELLIGENT CYBORGS: SCIENCE FACT OR SCIENCE FICTION? (7pm, 
         Institution of Electrical Engineers, Savoy Place, London, WC2, 
         free for students/ under 18s, UKP23.50 for IEE members, mehums 
         UKP35.25). 
         http://www.wlanevent.com/
             - and just 2 weeks until http://www.linuxuser.co.uk/expo/
         http://www.uclic.ucl.ac.uk/ubiconf/programme.html
                 - Warwick undeniably "ubiquitous". Iniquitous? Maybe.
         http://www.iee.org/events/cyborgs.cfm
       - looks like *something's* given Malcolm the fright of his life


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         Occasionally an established bit of code passes out of
         circulation, and waits for its moment to come again. History
         files become legend, Freshmeat entries become myth, and some
         programs that should not have been forgotten... are lost.
         So it is with DSNIFF, the humble password sniffer and arp
         poisoner from yesteryear. Last toyed with by author Dug Song
         back in 2000, dsniff has theoretically been replaced with
         far more sophisticated network analysis tools. But only
         no-one but the self-consciously l33t understands ettercap,
         and the rest appear to be mostly half-completed
         script-kiddie promotional products. What dsniff does is
         simple: you run it (or one of the suite of programs it comes
         with), and it tells you what passwords are in the clear on
         your network. From POP3 to unencrypted SAMBA to http auth to
         (a sign of its ancient origins) the old Napster. Its
         filter file is simple so you can add your own; its output is
         obvious and often revealing. In these days of open WiFi
         networks, dsniff's utility has grown. And, sad to say, most
         of the plaintext passwords it was sniffing in 2000 are still
         sailing past under our noses today.
         http://naughty.monkey.org/~dugsong/dsniff/
               - cue "no, no everyone is using (.*) these days" emails


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                contains a source of http://snackspot.org/

         hey, there's no "Thou shalt not show DVDz" in the Bible: 
        http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?art_id=vn20040331031946909C173481
         ... MS unveil new "embrace your Orwellian future" ad campaign: 
http://www.microsoft.com/Windowsxp/mediacenter/images/homepage/xpMCE_hero.jpg
         ... unexpected "one not safe for work like others" round-up: 
         http://images.google.com/images?q=msn+people&safe=off + 
         cyberman, crocodile, McDonalds... next week - pop-ups with 
         Leonardo: http://www.sean.co.uk/a/webdesign/goya/index.shtm 
         ... when audiophiles strike back (sounds like just a lot of 
         fast thuds to us, your mileage/ speaker damage may vary): 
         http://www.wildcard.demon.co.uk/audio/EXTREMECAUTION/ ... 
         after you've spent the whole day enduring laboured /. April 
         Fools, Andrew Orlowski just misses midday deadline (West Coast 
         time): http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/28/36743.html ... 
         

                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> Anna "Scary Movie" Faris guests in FRIENDS (9pm, Fri, 
         C4)... "I finally downloaded the original Space Invaders. I'm 
         talking quality 1981 graphics here", claims a character in 
         Melissa "Sabrina" Joan Hart high-school nerd makeover DRIVE ME 
         CRAZY (12midnight, Fri, ITV)... and Spalding Gray monologue 
         GRAY'S ANATOMY (11.40pm, Fri, BBC4) contains no "actual 
         anatomy information or study", complains one Amazon reviewer 
         http://www.ntk.net/2004/04/02/dohgray.gif - not many alien 
         "Grays" in it either... despite a career making people laugh, 
         a popular comedian *wasn't happy*, confides LES DAWSON'S LOST 
         DIARIES (9.10pm, Sat, C4)... don't know about you, but we 
         can't get enough of the saucy serial killer subject of 
         OVERKILL: THE AILEEN WUORNOS STORY (11.05pm, Sat, C5)... as 
         the realisation that the past is more exciting with a pounding 
         rock soundtrack is simultaneously arrived at by HISTORYONICS 
         (6.30pm, Sun, BBC1) and DARING RAIDS OF WORLD WAR II (7.30pm, 
         Wed, C5)... the winner of BODYGUARDS (8pm, Sun, C4) goes on to 
         face "Regency House SAS Are You Tough Enough" in the final... 
         then the terrestrial premier of flying swordfight nonsense 
         CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON (9pm, Sun, C4) is unfortunately 
         scheduled against defensible Damon/ Affleck math-'em-up GOOD 
         WILL HUNTING (9pm, Sun, BBC2), a low-key start to a week of 
         horror which also features SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE (11pm, Sun, 
         BBC2), NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (12.25am, Sun, BBC2), director 
         docu THE AMERICAN NIGHTMARE (11.20pm, Mon, BBC2), Matthew 
         "Shaggy" Lillard mystery DEAD MAN'S CURVE (11.35pm, Mon, 
         BBC1), plus the original - which the remake TV ad curiously 
         portrays itself as "better than" - DAWN OF THE DEAD (11.20pm, 
         Wed, BBC1)... the dark secrets of Disney are exhumed in 
         OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNES (9pm, Mon, BBC3)... while the anti-fascist 
         message of concentration camp history A LETTER TO LILLI 
         (11.15pm, Wed, BBC1) is so powerful that the Radio Times deems 
         it "required viewing for every child in the country"... 
         
         FILM>> the imminent Easter break means a bunch of movies they 
         might just have got away with, if it hadn't been for those 
         pesky meddling kids - led by SCOOBY DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED 
         ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/scooby-doo2.htm : several 
         monsters; [Linda Cardellini] in a skin-tight red leather 
         outfit trying to vamp it up to attract [Seth Green] and the 
         camera forcing the viewer to focus on her posterior as she 
         climbed into a van; much better than the original Scooby-Doo, 
         not only because of the measurably lesser and fewer issues of 
         assault on ethics and morality but because of just a plain 
         better job at film making and story-telling)... "The Exorcist" 
         - set in a women's prison - is the feelgood pitch for GOTHIKA 
         ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Gothika+%282003%29 : In 
         one of [Halle Berry's] interviews, she said that there is 
         brief nudity by older, unattractive women made up to look like 
         they live in a loony bin. I don't think I would go see this 
         for the nudity, if I were you)... while Mike Myers brings his 
         trademark toilet humour to loose Dr Seuss adaptation THE CAT 
         IN THE HAT ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/catinthehat.htm :
         sexual innuendo and imagery emulating arousal; mischief = fun; 
         of course, there is "redemption" of the youthful disobedience 
         and wrongdoings provided in the end)... Charlize Theron *is* 
         Christopher Walken in downbeat serial killer drama-doc MONSTER 
         ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Monster : If you had 
         told me a few months back that a [lesbian] scene between 
         [Christina] Ricci and Theron was going to be pretty much 
         unerotic, I would have figured you were insane!)... making a 
         surprise limited-release star of 'Nam-era US Secretary of 
         Defense Robert McNamara in military self-examination FOG OF 
         WAR ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2003/the_fog_of_war.html : 
         Phrases: "Hell of a fix," "Worked my tail off," "Dead-damn," 
         "Wasn't worth a damn," "To hell with it," "You're crazy as 
         hell," "Who in the hell?" and "A hell of a mess")...
         
         CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> the slightly warmer weather brings this 
         year's new ice-creams oozing into freezer cabinets, led by 
         what aims to be the "Magnum 7 Deadly Sins" of 2004, WALLS' 
         CORNETTO LOVE POTIONS (approx 95p), already available in at 
         least 4 varieties including Tiramisu With A Spicy Bite ("the 
         first few munches do have a slight tang" - LEON OLDMAN), and 
         Choc Chip Flirt With Hazelnut ("much more satisfying" - ibid): 
         http://www.snackspot.org/thread.php?story=0403041320cpi ... 
         other frozen horrors to look out for include Ben and Jerry/ 
         Unilever's 'WICH ice-cream/cookie sandwich, their semi-
         politicised strawberry-cheesecake-swirls PEACE OF CAKE tubs 
         http://www.benjerry.co.uk/givealick/50ways/ and MAGNUM INTENSE 
         on a stick - that's if you can drag yourself away from the 
         return of MCDONALD'S CREME EGG MCFLURRY, a Beaujolais Nouveau-
         esque annual event that the company are celebrating with a 
         revamped (Supersize-option-free) menu featuring a SIDE SALAD 
         WITH BALSAMIC DRESSING and UNIQUE QUORN FILLET SANDWICH... 
         NESTLE have relaunched their ailing DOUBLE CREAM in bizarre 
         new (Wonkalate-like?) DOUBLE BERRY form ("the raspberry and 
         blackcurrant pieces aren't that special and seem to have come 
         straight out of a cereal bar" - ALEX), and Cadbury sprinkled a 
         handful of peanuts into would-be Snickers rival DOUBLE DECKER 
         WITH NUTS ("I was disappointed by this, if only because they'd 
         replaced the oh-so-chewy mallow with crispy-hard nougatine. 
         Hardly within the same product category if you ask me" - 
         FLAMEPROOF)... yet, even overtaking the debut of ROBINSONS 
         SQUASH FOR MILK, last month's most exotic new product remains 
         Masterfoods' sour saliva-stimulating AQUADROPS ("i will never 
         drink water again as the refreshing sensation of aqua drops is 
         more than enough to satisfy my needs", brags DISCOQUEEN500): 
         http://www.snackspot.org/thread.php?story=0402171303sbc . But 
         that may change as we're still awaiting sightings of CADBURY 
         GIANT FINGERS, MULLER MCVITIES CORNERS, KIT KAT ORANGE KUBES, 
         and the chilling prospect of "chewy fruit sweets whose flavour 
         does not match the colour on the outside" - FRUITY SMARTIES... 
                                                               

                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
          "moving, shaking, showing other signs of Tourette's syndrome"
               http://tv.cream.org/extras/moversshakers/40-31.htm

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
                         Archive - http://www.ntk.net/
              Unsubscribe or subscribe at http://lists.ntk.net/
 NTK now is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.ntkmart.com/

                          (K) 2004 Special Projects.
             Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/
         Full license at: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/1.0

                    Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com
             All communication is for publication, unless you beg.
     Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material.
       Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention.
              Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.