_   _ _____ _  __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
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        "The findings [...] present an image of the average Netizen 
         that contrasts with the stereotype of the loner 'geek' who 
         spends hours of his free time on the Internet and rarely 
         engages with the real world. Instead, the typical Internet 
         user is an avid reader of books..."
         http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/s1025533.htm
                ...that's *both* kinds of books, mind: Harry Potter 
                                            *and* Lord of The Rings 


                               >> HARD NEWS <<
                                 who's who's?

         TRUE NAMES was a great story, but it did get some things
         wrong about the future. For one thing, in our universe
         naming systems and truth seem mutually exclusive. Take, for
         instance, .NAME - the TLD which, in some weird meta-manner,
         allowed people to reserve their real names online - like
         craig.shergold.name. The supervising NIC (whose name, in
         another meta twist, is Dot Name) were very determined .names
         could only be sold to their bona fide eponymous purchasers.
         Second-level domains were completely off limits, so no
         madonna.name. Strange to say, these cumbersome .name's didn't
         sell so well, so Dot Name has now switched to selling the
         second-level domains, like (hitler.name, say) to anyone who
         asks. And so as the market in one restrictive TLD collapses,
         the traditional liberal TLDs seem to be getting crankier:
         the NIC of CX just suspended Internet institution GOATSE.CX,
         ripping that site a new a-hole for painfully breaching its
         terms and conditions. It's not often you hear of a domain
         registrar suspending a domain for being beyond taste and
         decency. Especially not .cx, whose registration database NTK
         had the pleasure of sharing a box with back in its more
         carefree days. Believe us, goatse.cx may not have been the
         prettiest, but it was certainly one of the more demurely
         named .cx domains. I wonder if all those sex sites will be
         suspended too?
         http://www.name/
                                - wonder if we can get dot.name.name?
         http://www.goatse.cx/
                      - you know, one day they'll get the domain back
         http://www.metafilter.com/mefi/30757
                       - and then we'll be sorry we ever linked to it
         http://www.b3ta.com/board/1471040
                                  - safe for local newspapers version

         We always like to hear of little projects our regular
         contributors are dabbling with, so it's great to hear about
         subscriber CRAIG LEFF, who has just managed to put some
         kind of dune-buggy thing on Mars. We can't see him in
         any of these photos, so presumably he's in charge of
         operating the camera or something. But, you know, the little
         people are just as important. Mr Leff, we salute you and
         your martian robotic overlord.
         http://mars.telascience.org/acknowledgements
- QA? Well, any classified doh screenshots you have, just send 'em right along

         Talking of little projects, heartening to hear that legal
         geeks at Oxford have announced that they're porting the
         Creative Commons license to UK law. We're not sure exactly
         what this involves (short of globally searching and
         replacing "fair use" with "fair dealing") and what it all
         means - does this mean CC'd stuff isn't really free under UK
         law? What about the GPL? Have we been pirating Mr Stallman's
         good work all this time? Will any new EUCD laws
         criminalising commercial copyright infringement compel the
         police to lock up anyone downloading gcc? IANAL, natch. 
         http://creativecommons.org/projects/international/uk/
                         - if YAAL, however, write in and let us know


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         ALL CAPS transcript of "Self Help for Hard of Hearing" keynote
         speech: http://members.tripod.com/~TommieGee/essay.htm ... 
         New Mayor's first order of business - must fix CAPS LOCK key: 
         http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2352003025 
         ... Dabs.com presents - the router you can use as a desk!: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2004/01/16/dohrout.gif ... fashion we can 
         all afford: http://www.ntk.net/2004/01/16/dohphat.gif ... the 
         4-D hyper-acre: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/05/dohacre.gif ... 
         Sky gets into that whole "time just another dimension" theory: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2004/01/16/dohlion.gif ... all-new Google 
         goofs: wigspan, "typograhical error", "Microsoft Frotpage", 
         http://www.google.com/search?q=%22Microsoft+admits%22 , the 
         popular http://www.google.com/search?q=phone+%22mast+debate%22 
         - plus the "grey gamers" phenomenon not just a media construct: 
         http://www.google.com/search?q=%22saga+dreamcast%22 ... Osama 
         knows: http://www.ntk.net/2004/01/16/dohtop.gif ... please 
         excuse wobbly encircling: http://www.ntk.net/2004/01/16/dohblow.gif 
         ... beat the rush: http://www.ntk.net/2004/01/16/dohshack.gif ... 


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         GOTOs considered non-harmful

         A *really* uninterruptible power supply (and "hardened" 
         Ethernet?) are among the attractions at this year's G2K4 
         NUCLEAR BUNKER LAN PARTY (from Fri 5.30pm, 2004-01-30, 
         Kelvedon Hatch Secret Subterranean Regional Government HQ, 
         Essex, just UKP25.00 if you prebook before Jan 22nd, UKP30 on 
         the door). The venue's official site enticingly describes it 
         as "currently the biggest and deepest cold war bunker open to 
         the public in southeast England" - a reminder that normal 
         punters often continue to tour the facility during the course 
         of the event, adding the possibility of a couple of rounds of 
         "Scaring The Straights" to the usual LAN party activities.
         http://gamesmeet.darkspace.org.uk/cgi-bin/gwi?mode=page&pg=g2k4
                          - "When you hear the air attack warning..." 
         http://www.system-override.com/kelvedonhatch/index2.htm
           - "...you and your family must install Castle Wolfenstein"
         http://www.sci-fi-london.com/2004web/movies/dnadebate.htm
                  - damn, we've got a "thing" that Saturday afternoon


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         DODGEIT lets you check the incoming mail for any address
         @dodgeit.com - and provides an RSS feed for the same. Mails
         show up on a Webpage, but are deleted after a few hours. It
         takes you a while to wrap your head around the potential
         applications for this service, which is sort of the exact
         opposite of hushmail. Anyone can see the email address, and
         no-one (including you) needs to set it up in advance. Use it
         for throwaway email addresses when registering at new sites
         (without having to register for throwaway email addresses
         elsewhere).  Point all your announce-lists subscriptions to
         it, taking them out of your inbox and into your RSS
         newsreader. Point people to the feed - instant mailable
         blog. Or a throwaway forum. Or a handy group mail alias. The
         possibilities aren't, as it happens, endless - but we
         couldn't stop thinking of them anyway.
         http://www.mailinator.com/
                                - the original throwaway mail address
         http://www.bloglines.com/
- bloglines has a more secure RSS feed mail option if that is your bag


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                contains a source of http://snackspot.org/

         written by the victors: http://www.mark-shea.com/LOTR.html vs 
         http://www.typewriter.org.uk/unsorted/morplan.png ... might 
         make a great astroturf campaign on behalf of London Underground: 
         http://www.theoystercard.co.uk/ ... when testdata attacks #202: 
http://www.informationweek.com/story/showArticle.jhtml?articleID=17000138 ... 
    http://www.disgruntled.com/ vs http://www.ouwho.co.uk/study/i100.htm 
         ... "Cybercafe construction" guide imitates those bits in The 
         Onion: http://www.cybercafechecklist.com/construction.html ... 
         see if you can guess what "can really bring joy", and make 
         "a child's eyes light up when he or she receives a new toy": 
    http://www.bm-bikershop.com/extremely_high_fps_airsoft_sniper_rifle.htm
... http://web.archive.org/web/20030610205212/http://www.letsallgeton.gov.uk/
         too successful - net now full: http://www.letsallgeton.gov.uk/ 
         ... Stuart Campbell vs his oldest, greatest enemy - Kick Off: 
         http://forum.championshipsoccer.net/viewtopic.php?t=208 ... 
         "I'm radioactive!": http://www.doomworld.com/10years/doomcomic/ 
         ... New Zealand just as sparsely populated as you'd thought: 
         http://www.duffus.com/new_zealand_telephone_directory.htm ... 
         

                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> "teenagers behaving badly" weekend starts with Dirty 
         Harry telling off some young whippersnappers who shoot 
         criminals before he can get to them with his MAGNUM FORCE 
         (9.05pm, Sat, C5) - followed by high-school scifi action in 
         bodysnatcher homage THE FACULTY (11pm, Sat, BBC1) plus dire 
         videogame adaptation WING COMMANDER (12.40am, Sat, BBC1)... 
         Robert Carlyle shows up in the overrated TRAINSPOTTING 
         (10.30pm, Sun, C4) and uneven cannibal prequel RAVENOUS 
         (11.45pm, Sat, BBC2)... yet not even the patron saint of 
         adolescent gross-out, Seann William Scott, can salvage the 
         frankly indefensible DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR? (9pm, Sun, C4)... 
         Bill Paxton season goes from MIGHTY JOE YOUNG (5.55pm, Sun, 
         C5) to A SIMPLE PLAN (11.15pm, Mon, BBC1)... Chris O'Donnell 
         night includes BATMAN FOREVER (8pm, Sun, C5) and SCENT OF A 
         WOMAN (11.15pm, Sun, ITV)... but both combine in the climactic 
         rock-climbing nonsense VERTICAL LIMIT (8pm, Thu, C5)... THIS 
         WORLD: FOOTBALL AND FREEDOM (9pm, Sun, BBC2) is a South 
         African soccer remake of basketball docu "Hoop Dreams"... a 
         less upbeat view of sport is explored in the original ultra-
         violent ROLLERBALL (12midnight, Sun, BBC1)... and SCAMBUSTERS 
         (8pm, Wed, BBC1) tackles Canadian lottery "wins" and - tee-
         hee! - maybe replies to 419 Nigerians?... HORIZON (9pm, Thu, 
         BBC2) catches up with this hot new "Atkins diet"... it's Kevin 
         Warwick vs Jeremy Clarkson in THE COMPUTER: INVENTIONS THAT 
         CHANGED THE WORLD (8pm, Thu, BBC2)... while Larry "M*A*S*H" 
         Gelbart wrote star-studded above-average made-for-TV media 
         satire WEAPONS OF MASS DISTRACTION (12.20am, Thu, BBC1)...
         
         FILM>> it's all "12A", all the time this week, with John Woo 
         toning down the 18-certificate violence of "Face/Off" for 
         modern-day reverse-engineering Philip K Dick adaptation 
         PAYCHECK ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/paycheck.htm : 
         technology espionage/piracy; excessive [Uma Thurman] cleavage; 
         dress threatening to expose the pubic hair line; recklessness 
         in traffic, repeatedly, once narrowly avoiding being hit by a 
         bus)... better than "Waiting for Guffman", but no "Spinal Tap" 
         or "Best In Show", harmonises folk music mockumentary A MIGHTY 
         WIND ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2003/a_mighty_wind.html :
         A PR woman shows some cleavage; [Catherine O'Hara's] husband 
         has built a miniature railroad town that includes a brothel 
         that he points out - we see a small, doll figure through the 
         window that's supposed to represent a prostitute)... or - 
         together at last - it's "professional videogamer" John Cusack, 
         Gene Hackman, Dustin Hoffman, Rachel Weisz and Jennifer 
         "Flashdance" Beals in John Grisham courtroom caper RUNAWAY 
         JURY ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/runawayjury.htm : 
         definitely written by anti-gun activists and by folks who 
         clearly support government control of the people; guns, 
         bananas, cars and pillows don't kill people. People kill 
         people; advocates of abolishing guns were portrayed as law-
         abiding, responsible, intelligent and mature citizens)... 
         
         RED BOOK AUDIO>> so is it just us, or does the Kill Bill 
         trailer music (as heard in 2003's best bootleg, Hotei Tomoyasu 
         Vs Eminem: http://www.jonnyboyrevel.co.uk/pages/disc.htm ) 
         sound almost exactly like the theme from "Thundercats"? And 
         while we're at it: The Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up" - isn't 
         that the same drum pattern that then appears on "Remind Me" by 
         Royksopp: http://www.ntk.net/2004/01/16/SmackMyRoyksOpp.mp3 ?
         (1.8 meg mp3, also contains 5-to-the-floor bonus beats of 
         "Holst: The Planets" vs "Mission: Impossible"). Still, some 
         soundalikes do have their up side - reader ANDREW MORLEY 
         suggested his own ingenious solution to the "corrupt CD" 
         controversy http://ukcdr.org/issues/cd/bad/#uk , with this tip 
         for those trying to bypass the copy protection on the new Dido 
         album, "Life For Rent": "Don't bother", Andrew succinctly 
         advises. "Simply rip the previous Dido CD again - it sounds 
         exactly the same"... in more original compositions: we appear 
         to be risking all-out interci-ian annihilation by printing the 
         name of contributor IAN MILLER name for the second time in 4 
         years http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?b=01999-04-09&l=288#l , but 
         his link to this clumsily housed-up general-MIDI TV-theme was 
         worth it: http://www.ljkruzer.co.uk/mp3/ . JIM JARMO humbly 
         alerted us to his own "cack-handedly-produced" (his words, not 
         ours) techno-filks at http://www.headpaste.com/ (imagine an 
         inexplicably well-spoken Mike "The Streets" Skinner), while 
         Guardian "Bad Science" correspondent DR BEN GOLDACRE thought 
         we might enjoy Death By Chocolate's "The Land Of Chocolate": 
         http://www.jetsetrecords.com/mp3s/death_by_chocolate/choc.mp3
         - entirely correctly, as it turned out... which just leaves the 
         matter of advert soundalikes, with the Wilkinson Sword Quatro 
         TV campaign resembling The Violent Femmes' "Blister In The 
         Sun" so closely that we're almost embarrassed to mention it. 
         Still, following the Guardian Guide's speculation that all of 
         Evanescence's songs (but especially "Bring Me To Life") sound 
         like they've been written specifically to accompany sanitary 
         protection ads - plus the recent use of use of Belinda 
         Carlisle's "Heaven Is A Place On Earth" to promote Haven 
         holiday camps (surely "Devon Is A Place On Earth" would be 
         more appropriate?) - you're also invited to suggest other 
         songs that would be "just right" for TV ads (and not just 
         those for the South-West of England). To start off, how about 
         Busted's debut single with just a minor lyrical modification: 
         "(That's) What I Go To Poole For"...
                           

                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
       "an exemplar of best practice in the involvement of young people"
             http://www.cimex.com/html/site/com/com_news/174.html

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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