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        "[BT Broadband Basic's] 1GB cap is the equivalent of 20,000 
         web pages, 200 MP3 music tracks or 100 large software programs..."
                                http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/3521539.stm
         ...anyone know what the other 640MB on the Photoshop CD is for?


                               >> HARD NEWS <<
                                oh Santa Cruz
 
         Who can be bothered to keep up with the SCO story these
         days? Only those who like a laugh. To summarise for those of
         you with better things to do: SCO first announced that they
         had a paying "licensee" for "Linux", worth "seven digits".
         The licensee, EV1servers said they'd paid - not that much.
         Paypal error in your favour, SCO! Next, always a little
         publicity-shy, SCO sent out a press release announcing that
         they'd be sending out another press release, announcing a
         Linux user they'd be suing. Tomorrow. No, no, the next day.
         Two users. Yes, two. The day after tomorrow duly arrived
         (along with their financials, which sucked). SCO said they'd
         be suing AutoZone. Not, as it turns out, for using "their"
         Linux without a license: but for migrating their servers
         from SCO to Linux "too quickly" for them not to be illegally
         using SCO's own libraries. SCO's case was water-tight, and
         entirely unexpected, with only one flaw: the person in
         charge of migration had posted to the GrokLaw site nearly a
         *month* ago, asserting that they'd not had to use any SCO
         libraries, and that he'd be happy to explain exactly "why
         SCO lost AutoZone's and several large account's businesses"
         in public. SCO also sued DaimlerChrysler, an act one
         eye-witness said caused widespread ROTFLMAO at the company.
         Then someone leaked ESR an internal SCO mail implying that
         Microsoft was funding the whole thing. Suavely, SCO admitted
         that mail was genuine. Then, as if admitting to your leaked
         documents wasn't bad enough for preserving secrecy, someone
         at ZDNET - ZDNET! - did "show changes" on one of their Word
         documents, and found several versions of their barratry
         strategies. With a grudging nod to ESR, it looks there's a
         parallel Gandhicon going on here: first they're worried
         you'll win; then they fight you; then they start laughing.
         Soon, comes the ignoring. And then you're gone.
         http://www.groklaw.net/
                                           - not soon enough mind you

         Just a quick update on last month's story about EBAY.CO.UK 
         filling up with pyramid-like "Matrix" scams - eBay's official 
         position (attributed to "an eBay spokesperson") admits: "It is 
         important to note that these items are not permitted on 
         eBay.co.uk and any of these items that come to our attention 
         will be removed. It is against eBay's policy for any user to 
         purchase items outside of the site or for catalogues to be 
         listed where users can directly order items". The operative 
         phrase here being "any of these items that come to our 
         attention" - eBay appears to have no interest in filtering 
         these auctions out itself, preferring that users do it via 
         their mildly convoluted maximum-10-items-per-submission 
         complaints form. This appears to be what they're trying to do 
         over at sites like MATRIXWATCH.ORG - but given that eBay.co.uk 
         does appear to remove auctions for illegal electric stun guns 
         and other weapons from their site, wouldn't it be easier if 
         they also added some of these to their list?
        http://search.ebay.co.uk/search/search.dll?query=%22free+link%22
                                          - another handy search term
         http://pages.ebay.co.uk/help/community/png-catcurrent.html
         - vs http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/archive/34956.html
    http://www.matrixwatch.org/modules.php?name=Content&pa=showpage&pid=2
               - not quite the "exiting" new idea it starts out to be

         And just to draw a line under our most recent craze: the .name 
         registration gold rush has petered out at last, with CHRIS 
         BARNES claiming he's now "the proud owner of" my.domain.name, 
         SCHABE wondering "if there's a prize for most hostile entry" 
         re: his bitch.say-my.name, and ERIC PALMQUIST getting more 
         phonetic with his thatzma.name suggestion. But "don't read NTK 
         drunk" was the concluding moral offered by DARREN IRVINE, that 
         condition having contributed to his wanton registering of 
         theman.withno.name. Excellent safety tip Darren, though 
         sometimes it takes us a while to sober up after writing it.
http://xrrf.blogspot.com/2004_02_29_xrrf_archive.html#107813613660639685
            - in our experience, *all* computer experts drink. That's 
                     usually how they ended up as computer experts...


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         Mothra on way?: http://www.ntk.net/2004/03/05/dohgojira.gif 
         ... Devon Coastguard unleash highly trained sniffer plants: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2004/03/05/dohcliff.gif ... Jack Schofield 
         must have been using WinXP much longer than anyone realised: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2004/03/05/dohwin91.gif ... too clever for 
         mere mortals: http://www.ntk.net/2004/03/05/dohsmarts.gif ... 
         http://www.marinereef.org/searchdetail.php?species=fish&id=230 
         - quite common round here... this month's extra-puerile GOOGLE 
         GOOFS: http://www.google.com/search?q=business+analist , 
         "windows mellinnium", cuntomers, nutcacker, "mange change", 
         "dental plague", "reputable business magnet", "new ear of", 
         http://www.google.com/search?q=site%3Aguardian.co.uk+guradian 
         ... Google changes most of Elmer Fudd's "PageWanks" back, but 
         not all: http://www.ntk.net/2004/03/05/dohpwank.gif ... .NET 
         in action: http://www.ntk.net/2004/03/05/dohdabsnet.gif ... 
         not the sort of "small businesses" that they had in mind: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2004/03/05/dohproduct.gif ... define 
         "unsolicited": http://www.ntk.net/2004/03/05/dohcox.gif ... 


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         GOTOs considered non-harmful

         There's a (relatively) rare opportunity to catch Creative 
         Commons US co-director PROFESSOR JAMES BOYLE in his native 
         Scotland at next Tuesday's public lecture THE ANCIENT RIGHTS 
         OF CYBERSPACE?: ENCLOSING THE COMMONS OF THE MIND (4.30pm, 
         next Tue 2004-03-09, University of Glasgow, presumably free?). 
         He's an entertaining speaker and all, but there still might be 
         slightly more laughs at the 2004 IG NOBEL TOUR OF THE UK AND 
         IRELAND (from next Thu 2004-03-11, various venues, UKP5), 
         featuring organiser MARC ABRAHAMS plus a range of favourites 
         old - Scrotal Asymmetry in Man and in Ancient Sculpture, Using 
         Magnets to Levitate a Frog - and new: The Impressive Brains of 
         London Taxi Drivers, The First Scientifically Recorded Case of 
         Homosexual Necrophilia in the Mallard Duck.
       http://www.gla.ac.uk/newsdesk/events/details.cfm?Event_Number=1413
              - really ought to make a TV series called "Boyle's Law"
         http://www.patent.gov.uk/about/events/info/customs.htm
               - or go heckle the Patent Office all round the country
         http://www.improb.com/ig/2004/ig-tour-UK/2004-britain-ig.html
        - drinking game: every time they namedrop a Nobel prizewinner
         http://www.savetherhino.org/
         - Douglas Adams lecture clash (hey, try eating less rhinos!)


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         "Oh, to be a top DJ again," writes YOZ GRAHAME, rather over-
         romanticising the three housewarming parties he's played in 
         the last five years. "But now that I'm all MP3ed-up, it'd be 
         nice to use mixing software that brought back the joy of vinyl 
         without spending half a grand on Final Scratch. I've had my 
         eye on the HERCULES DJ CONSOLE but until payday I've got 
         TACTILE 12000 (Windows and OSX), possibly the only 
         Sourceforge project written in Macromedia Director. None of 
         that fancy auto-BPM-detection here; instead you get big 
         spinning discs, draggable needles, nudge buttons, splittable-
         stereo cueing (along with multiple sound outputs) and hotkeys 
         for everything. Admittedly the scratching's a bit crap and the 
         whole thing's rather more Fisher-Price than Fischerspooner, 
         but it's good enough to get me started on my efforts to mix 
         'Yellow Submarine' with Weezer's 'Green Album' - roll on, Lime 
         Wednesday!"
         http://www.tactile12000.com/
                    - style and substance locked in mortal soundclash
         http://sourceforge.net/projects/tactile12000/
           - a great start for both of you Lingo OSS coders out there
         http://www.hothardware.com/hh_files/S&V/djconsole.shtml
              - unlike FS, actually looks like it justifies the price
         http://ultravnc.sourceforge.net/
                - bonus tracking: yet another (Windows-optimised) VNC


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                contains a source of http://snackspot.org/

         M. Banks working on *the* definitive genre publication: 
         http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1841491551 ... new 
         craze hits UK clubs: http://qwer.org/MikeOIdfieldDance.html 
         ... Kingsmill accidentally reveal their upcoming "Scooby Doo" 
         movie tie-in: http://www.danontherun.com/sandwich.htm ... now 
         if Yahoo *really* wanted to make life unpleasant for Google: 
         http://www.google.com/contact/newsletter.html ... learn from 
         you competition: http://www.adnx.com/services_us.html (via 
         http://www.digikitten.com/forums/showthread/t-5565.html ) vs 
         http://www.atimi.com/atimi_processes.html ... web's lamest 
         superheroes: http://www.commanderx.com/adventures.html vs 
         http://www.captaineuro.com/ ... in explicit medical detail: 
         http://www.google.com/search?&q=aorta-bifemoral+bypass ... 
         galaxy found approx 1000 times beyond limit of observable 
         universe: http://physicsweb.org/article/news/8/3/1 ... major 
         milestone in language acceptance - Tetris running on Parrot: 
         www.nntp.perl.org/group/perl.perl6.internals/21350 ... cheers: 
        http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/venc/data/irish.virus.hoax.html
         

                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> OK, so you've missed the pilot episode, but there's not 
         much to catch up on in "From The Makers Of Freaks And Geeks" 
         half-hour college comedy UNDECLARED (1am, Fri, ITV)... the 
         trailers give the impression that new Northern Irish sitcom 
         PULLING MOVES (9pm, Fri, BBC3) is like "Lock, Stock and Two
         Smoking Barrels" starring the members of Westlife... and look 
         out for some special new non-aspirational adverts in the 
         breaks to baldy Alain de Botton's latest made-up modern 
         malaise, STATUS ANXIETY (7pm, Sat, C4)... David Fincher's 
         relatively downbeat THE GAME (10pm, Sat, C4) is, depressingly, 
         now cited as an influence in yet another tedious "immersive" 
         time-waster: http://www.projectsyzygy.com/syzpage2.htm ... an 
         interesting cast fail to illuminate white hip-hop racial 
         politics in the somewhat experimental BLACK AND WHITE (2.25am, 
         Sat, C4)... while the lack of humility displayed by Jeff 
         Goldblum in the face of CGI animal romp CATS AND DOGS (6.25pm, 
         Sun, C5) here is staggering... rich kids Dawson's Creek THE 
         ORANGE COUNTY (6.30pm, Sun, C4) doesn't seem very closely 
         based on the Kim Stanley Robinson trilogy of the same name... 
         SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (9pm, Sun, C5) shows in the same slot as 
         "Starship Troopers" last week, though this time the ones in 
         Nazi uniforms are the bad guys!... and DEMOLITION SQUAD 
         (7.30pm, Mon, C5) provides a handy counterpoint to RACE FOR 
         THE WORLD'S TALLEST SKYSCRAPER (8pm, Mon, C5)... film of the 
         week - if not the year - is low-budget "The Making of Co-ven" 
         indie horror AMERICAN MOVIE (12.20am, Tue, BBC2)... hope those 
         BBC iCan windfarm protestors are tuning into powercut scenario 
         IF - THE LIGHTS GO OUT (9pm, Wed, BBC2)... and our main 
         contribution to the "Crisps" episode of THE MONEY PROGRAMME - 
         FAT PROFITS (7.30pm, Wed, BBC2) was suggesting they should 
         show Golden Wonder's ill-judged ad campaign likening suppliers 
         to drug dealers: http://www.goldenwonder.com/popup.html ...
         
         FILM>> "Christ!" - on a bike! - is the typical reaction to 
         trashy Ice Cube "The Fast And The Furious" motorbooty TORQUE 
         ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/torque.htm : Erotic 
         symbolism is rampant, testosterone is apparently all that 
         exists; [Jaime Pressly] has more steel poking through her than 
         a rotisserie hog and exudes as much goth as Book of Shadows: 
         Blair Witch 2)... despite the presence of Benicio Del Toro 
         (and the title), not many drug busts in mood piece 21 GRAMS 
         ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=21+Grams+%282003%29 : 
         Opens with a shot of Naomi Watts topless. Not only does she 
         continue in that state for entire scenes, director Alejandro 
         Gonzalez "Amores Perros" Inarritu frequently shoots such tight 
         close-ups that her breasts completely fill the screen)... 
         bonkers Brittany Murphy and Heather Locklear's prissy daughter 
         *both learn something from each other* in the predictable not-
         based-on-the-Billy-Joel-song-of-the-same-name UPTOWN GIRLS 
       ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Uptown+Girls+%282003%29 : 
         [Murphy's] wearing a loose fitting relatively unbuttoned 
         shirt. When she crawls on all fours, it's possible there's 
         something there, but the lighting is very dim and there's lots 
         of shadows. The albeit too brief nipple peeks aren't reason 
         enough to see this flick)... while set in North London - and 
         apparently only being released there - is the fate of well-
         worn Jewish wedding would-be comedy SUZIE GOLD (imdb: Contains 
         strong language, moderate sex and soft drug use)... 
         
         AD MUSIC FOR SIX PEOPLE>> fortunately you seem to be getting 
         almost as bored about Ad Music That Sounds Like A Well-Known 
         Record as we are, with just one nomination this month for 
         "McDonald's 99p menu" resembling "a third-rate knock-off" of 
         Daft Punk's "Around The World" (plus it's hard to establish 
         whether it actually is a cover of Kylie's "Slow" in the Nivea 
         Moisturiser for Men ad, or just some bleeping noises that 
         sounds a bit like it). In fact, the only thing that'd make 
         this feature more obscure would be picking ads that most of us 
         were never likely to see, an avenue currently pursued by 
         reader ADRIAN FURBY, who maintains a solitary vigil monitoring 
         antipodean television for all manner of transgressions, and 
         dispatching occasional bulletins along the lines of "There's 
         an ad for Libra tampons here in Australia that features three 
         guys, each in a different coloured outfit, breakdancing on a 
         large piece of cardboard to a song that sounds suspiciously 
         like Herbie Hancock's 'Rock It', BUT ISN'T". Tampons for men? 
         What *is* going on down there?... fortunately, January's 
         challenge to find songs which would be ideal for particular
         product campaigns has risen to fill the gap, with even BBC 
         London's Danny Baker suggesting that The Wurzels' cover of 
         Gina G's "Oooh Ahhh, Just a Little Bit" would be perfect for 
         Ribena's new "cool" and "fiery" variants of the same name: 
         http://www.snackspot.org/thread.php?story=0403031412daa . TIM 
         BANNISTER proposed that "If for some reason Busted turn down 
         that planned alteration" ("That's What I Go To Poole For", NTK 
         2004-01-16), "there's always a chance that Peaches would be up 
         for a reworded '[Flip] The Pain Away'", concluding with the 
         refrain "Stay in Poole - 'cos it's the best" (we've since 
         moved on to tweaking Coldplay's breakthrough hit to be more 
         about Lucozade - "We've made a drink/ We've made a drink for 
         you/ It's full of energy too/ And it is all: yellow!", and The 
         Shamen's "Destination Eschaton" as an excellent jingle for 
         "Destination: Chessington")... ED SINGLETON has "long thought" 
         "a successful contact lens advert campaign could be built on 
         the back of Mel and Kim's 'Ain't Ever Gonna Be Bespectacled'" 
         (an improvement on our cancer-awareness rework of Kim's solo 
         hit "G.L.A.D - Get Leukaemia And Die"), while reader GRAHAM 
         suggested "Bernard Matthews Turkeys update their image with 
         that Christina Aguilera song, or better yet get Bernard out of 
         retirement to do his own cover version [Bee-yoo-ti-ful/ No 
         matter what they say]". But PAUL DIXON snatched this month's 
         no-prize for a staggering selection of somewhat varying 
         quality, ranging from Kelis' "My Nesquik brings all the boys 
         to the yard" to the Beastie Boys' "You gotta fight! For your 
         right! To Smarrrrrties!" and Oasis' "Wagonwheel": "Maybeeeee, 
         the school bell is gonna save meeeee/ 'Cos playtime makes me 
         feeeeel/ Like a Wagonwheeeeel"... 
                                                      

                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                      "exhilarating and vaguely bizarre"
              http://www.sfbg.com/38/22/x_techsploitation.html 

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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