_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the UK>
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|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/ o http://www.ntk.net/ "Erotic fiction on the Web merits all the usual criticism
of writing on the Web -- there are tons of typos, and no
editorial hand whatsoever."
- JACK MURNIGHAN, editor of tasteful porn site NERVE
pls ekuse speling - editril hand buzy
>> HARD NEWS <<
turning to booze
Bill Gates may be able to turn his company around on a
dime, but only STEVE JOBS keeps his organisation swivelling
like a top. At the Apple Developer Conference this week, he
announced yet another graceful arc in corporate direction.
Gone is the "I had to run NeXT: now you will too" mantra
he'd been pitching to scared Mac developers for the last
year: Rhapsody is no longer a separate product, and the
previously fuddy-duddy MacOS is back, back, BACK! There are
some changes: Jobs, inimitably, has taken his frustration
out on low-level MacOS functionaries: around 2000 of the
Mac's 8000 API calls have been slaughtered. That's okay,
apparently, because no-one used them. And anyway, they
disagreed with him. Rumours that calls to the old addresses
will be secretly intercepted by NeXT managers hiding
underneath the hardware abstraction layer, are, we assured,
to be disbelieved.
- Well, doh! We were holding the roadmap upside-down!
"Sorry we're late: the government made us do it" is an
original excuse for MICROSOFT blowing shipping dates, but
in this case, it's the truth. In a last minute face-off,
Gates agreed to delay delivering Windows 98 to
manufacturers until the DOJ could decide whether they want
to sue his ass or not. Bill's generosity knows no bounds -
the new shipping date is Monday, giving the DOJ less than
72 hours to pull him in. Expect top government counsel to
hand in their badges and go undercover to nab the
international fugitive, who, as we speak, is planning to
blow up Seattle's Space Needle using an embedded-NT timebomb
and the wiles of his beautiful - yet deadly - assistant,
- putting the nervous back into "digital nervous system"
Remember when NORTEL announced the IP-down-the-power-lines
hack, and everyone racked their brains to work out the
killer flaw? Was it, perhaps, the isolation equipment you'd
have to install into every house that used it? Or the fibre
lines Nortel would have to spool out from each substation?
Well, here's a likely contender: Nick Long from the Low
Power Radio Association reports that streetlamps in the
Nortel trial region have been acting as highly efficient
antennae, merrily broadcasting packets across much of the
shortwave radio bands. Bad for radio hams, not brilliant for
personal privacy - but what a great solution for
multicasting Web events!
- see, we told you it was the new CB radio
- get IE4.0 to play "Daisy, Daisy" on your radio
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
LINEONE Beginner's Guide To Net links to wrong AltaVista...
Apple press ads offer Macs with 384MB RAM; boast it's
"enough to keep several applications open at the same time"
... INTERNET WORLD UK Exhibitors' Page links to - wrong
AltaVista... alt.ph.uk-ers plan to call James Whale's
Talk Radio show all at the same time - don't bored BT
employees^H^H^H Britain's top hackers have better things to
do?... "cyber-conversation", "cyber-confessions", and
"cyber-sighs" all used in same dreadful cyber-WEEKEND
GUARDIAN cyber-article... NEW REPUBLIC publish *entirely*
fictional hacking story - editor fails to notice... DAVE
WINER wants Microsoft to "take it up the butt"... MSN
FRANCE vanishes - who next?... BRITISH COMPUTER SOCIETY'S
"Computer Driving Licence" displays date of issue- using
just two digits... ACTIVISION license "Soldier of Fortune"
mag for games titles... Times' INTERFACE section dispenses
with services of editor Kathryn Bailey; new guy Alan Copps
kicks off with up-to-the-minute review of Quake 2...
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
There's some twitch in the old corpse yet! Gateway,
praisers-not-buryers of the AMIGA legacy, are planning a
big announcement at the World Of Amiga show in Hammersmith
today, and Amigans everywhere are buzzing with excitement.
Or is that just the flies? Whatever - icons on the rumours
Workbench vary from the release of version 3.5 of ye
anciente operating system, to the launch of sub-$500
PC/Amiga hybrid, to Gateway giving up altogether on the
hardware and telling everyone to scarper and buy third
party mods (like Phase 5's PowerPC co-processor add-on)
instead. Alas, our sources in the Amiga scene have all
dropped dead or gone mad, so we don't know. See you at
- Amiga! Amiga!
- Andale, andale!
Thanks to everyone who's joined the slagging of Lynda
LaPlante's KILLER NET drama series (10pm, Tues, C4),
including many of those involved as "technical consultants"
on the show. We'll add them to the site soon - *and*
feature them in next week's NTK first anniversary "Right To
Reply" special, where we'll give people who feel they've
been "wronged" by us a chance to air their grievances, by
printing their objections and reactions in full, then
taking the piss out of them some more. Yes, this means you,
- laplante.demon.co.uk is, sadly, just the production company
>> TRACKING <<
they've even got a shoe-shop!
Sure, from the description of Sonic Foundry's ACID
(shipping next week), you'd assume that it was one of those
fun but limited TechnoMaker CDROMs. But, based on the,
ahem, "beta" that we've seen, $400 buys you some very cool
time-stretching, auto-BPM calculating, etc. - essentially
casseroling *any* bunch of .WAV files into authentically
tasteful Norman Cook-ery. "This is going to be huge, I
could do so much with this," says David McCandless, bedroom
musician and winner of Q Online's Search For A Star
competition, hastily adding, "...if I had no musical
- from the makers of popular warez title, SoundForge
ANARCHIST STUDIES, the revolutionary yet curiously academic
journal of potted Kropotkins everywhere, is climbing to the
top of the barricades and shouting, delirious with new-
found freedom: "OUR AUTUMN 1999 ISSUE WILL BE DEVOTED TO
EXPLORING THE RELATIONS BETWEEN ANARCHISM AND SCIENCE
FICTION! BROTHERS, SEND US YOUR 500 WORDS ABSTRACTS, NOT
LATER THAN 1ST JUNE!" A call to arms, or a call for papers?
E-mail email@example.com, or storm the following
- Ursula LeGuin a popular choice, then?
>> MEMEPOOL <<
hasta la altavista
clothes with Sun Protection Factors... religions with
Millennium Bugs... Mr Media to retire - boo!...
www.ussubs.com's only interested buyer so far - a Mr
M Jackson... http://www.circle-r.com/ncz/noclowns.shtml ...
geek parlour games: "I'll name that software from its
version number", "I'll name that mobile service provider
from its area prefix"... DON'T DELETE THIS MESSAGE --
FOLDER INTERNAL DATA... the clue's in the password:
GODZILLA vs Tamagotchi vs your Shockwave Plugin -
http://www.jitterbug.com/gvt/gvt.shtml ... GATES movie! -
with Mike Myers!... Java Lava... Error 'o' the week
(Photoshop): "Could not save file because of pixels"... and
who'd win in a fight between this and CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH:
http://www.snoot.com/cgi-bin/wuss.cgi >> GEEK MEDIA <<
screen and screen until you're sick
TV >> nutty sci-fi fun with Prisoner fans in LOST IN SPACE
(7.15pm, Fri, BBC2), followed by Contact-inspiring SETI-
heads in new docu series QUANTUM LEAPS (7.30pm, Fri,
BBC2)... Michael J Fox twists again in SPIN CITY (9.30pm,
Fri, C4)... plus, great-looking Ridley Scott nonsense in
Yakuza actioner BLACK RAIN (10.20pm, Fri, BBC1) - but
where's The Adam And Joe Show?... early-morning repeat of
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (10.55am, Sat, BBC1) unlikely to
feature the line "Holy shit" when Indy spots the U-boat...
don't let your Swiss bodyguard fall asleep during THE
GODFATHER PART III (9pm, Sat, BBC2)... and C4's promising
"Lolita" theme-night is upsettingly interrupted by Joe
Dante's B-movie tribute MATINEE (10pm, Sat, C4) - starring,
in something of a trend for this week, Roseanne's John
Goodman... MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 (12midnight, Sat,
SciFi Channel) rips the limbs from 60's B(rit)-movie Devil
Doll... Sunday's John Goodman film is Ellen Barkin erotic
thriller SEA OF LOVE (10.25pm, Sun, BBC1)... Arizona-based
Brit-thriller WHITE OF THE EYE (11.30pm, Sun, BBC2) has
taken 12 years to reach TV screens - maybe the director
could have killed himself earlier... at last, it's the
free-climbing skyscraper repeat of THEY WHO DARE (7.15pm,
Mon, BBC2)... chug a beer every time you spot Robert "T2"
Patrick in the drinking game to liven up DIE HARD 2 (9pm,
Mon, ITV)... then you're ready for the surprisingly cogent
psychedelic sensory deprivation of ALTERED STATES (10.55pm,
Mon, C5)... more millennial panic-mongering in KNOCKING ON
DOOMSDAY'S DOOR (10.40pm, Tue, ITV)... no Bruce Willis in
this DAY OF THE JACKAL (11.15pm, Wed, BBC1), but - of
course - *more* John Goodman in EVERYBODY'S ALL AMERICAN
(12.15am, Wed, some ITV)... Planet Mirth's Ben Moor plays a
"fight-o-gram" in MEN BEHAVING BADLY (9.30pm, Thu, BBC1),
and guesting in mildly amusing Tom Hanks stand-up saga,
PUNCHLINE (9pm, Thu, C5), why - it's *John Goodman*...
MOVIES >> a good week for Bill Murray fans, first with
fantastically over-the-top Neve Campbell naughtiness WILD
THINGS (imdb: thriller / mystery / crime / police /
bisexual / sailing / mother-daughter / pool / drama /
erotica / drugs / alligator / high-school / florida /
school / sexual-harassment / teaching / sex / doublecross /
threesome / lesbian / lesbian-scene / twist-in-the-end /
murder / rape) - and, by the way, very little to do with
Tone Loc's 1980s rap hit of almost the same name... a
bigger role, but fewer laughs, for Bill in overcontrived
spy spoof THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO LITTLE (MPAA: rated PG for
"language, innuendo, comic violence and sensuality"), like
a comedy version of David Fincher's The Game... the touchy-
feely title gives a clue that it's the *emotional* impact
they're more interested in, in Tea Leoni's DEEP IMPACT
(imdb: thriller / sci-fi / action / apocalypse / drama /
disaster / meteor-threatens-earth)... Tim Roth denies
killing Jerry Maguire's Renee Zellweger in too-clever
polygraph puzzler LIAR (imdb: known in US as "Deceiver")...
and complex plot-strands meet wacky sex in Almodovar's LIVE
FLESH (imdb: drama / adultery / jealousy / birth / based-
on-novel / sex / bus / wheelchair / paraplegic / marital-
abuse / basketball) - apparently based on a novel by Ruth
MAGS >> putting the "dead" back into "dead tree publishing"
- seems everyone knows about DENNIS PUBLISHING selling
their business mags (most too boring to mention) to
somewhere in Surrey, especially since the editor of
COMPUTER TRADE SHOPPER went mad slagging the company off on
his (final?) credits page... also, doesn't look like
they'll be doing the official MINISTRY (Of Sound) mag much
longer either... ground-breaking retro-fetishising BEN IS
DEAD < www.benisdead.com > is, er, dead, though editor
Darby will apparently continue with her other zine,
Socially Fucking Retarded... from the ashes of misguided
"let's put it all on the net" project: OMNI renegades are
to start new Webzine ominously called EVENT HORIZON... and
is http://fitshaced.com/ the true heir to Jim Goad's hate-
fuelled ANSWER ME?... back over here, IPC's VOX is, at
last, silenced, following a failed US-style redesign.
"Somebody *stop* us," chirrups the final editorial,
unwittingly... also rumours that GOAL has been similarly
disallowed, just in time not to pick up any new readers
from all that exciting World Cup hoo-hah next month... and
(very) finally: Future's CULT TV seems to have run its last
Randall And Hopkirk Deceased episode guide - though
wouldn't it be ironic if a small minority audience suddenly
started re-appreciating it in 20 years' time?...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
It is registered at the Post Office as "the Treat of Versailles".
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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