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         "Students are fundamentally opposed to something that locks
           them in. They're not lulled into the promises of up-front
                                                              money"
           - Apple's John Santaro, on Microsoft's "free software for
                                                      schools" drive
                        maybe if you offered them record vouchers...


                               >> HARD NEWS <<
                               we can't defuse

         Expect a flurry of "Hoots, Demon!" jokes in the next few
         days, when the news that Uncle Cliff finally flogged DEMON
         INTERNET hits the headlines. For it was plucky, regional
         SCOTTISH TELECOM who snapped the plucky, but getting a bit
         bored of pluckiness, ISP from the sweaty hands of the
         telephone giants. Weirdly, rumour has it that the big
         telcos (names mentioned in the wooing were BT and NTL) were
         actually offering more cash than the canny Scots, but,
         idiosyncratic to the end, Demon went with the outsider. Now
         all that remains is for the shares to be handed over. Which
         presents a slight problem for the higher circles of the
         inferno - what about all the share options owned by the
         rest of the Demon staff? Current price offered: twenty quid
         a share. But what if they all say "noo"?
         http://www.demon.net/
         - two months' Internet access per share? Three?
         http://www.scottishtelecom.com/st_x3.htm
         - "Virtual shopping lets you 'try on' clothes in your size"

         The perfect April Fool's joke: upload 15MB of laughter
         track WAVs to ftp.mozilla.org, then run like crazy. But no
         - boring old NETSCAPE went and posted the complete source
         to Navigator, as pledged, instead. Hysteria in the Free
         Software community followed, mostly at Jamie Zawinski's
         monster Mozilla party in downtown SF. NTK reporters were
         there to watch JWZ "liberate" the rest of the commercial
         software he had in his cubicle by throwing CD-ROMs at the
         slavering audience, while huge monitors showed a cat of the
         C/C++ code. Also noted: "more girls than you'd expect". Of
         course, all the real fun was going on elsewhere - with the
         Anglo-Australian transworld Cryptozilla coding tag-teams,
         who, just fifteen hours after the code release, had plugged
         back in the strong cryptography support that the US
         government had demanded Netscape strip out. You see what
         you miss if you waste your life partying?
         http://www.winklerad.com/staff/jay/mozilla/psn00016.jpg
         - more guys dressed as strawberries than you'd expect, too
         http://mozilla-crypto.ssleay.org/press/19980401-02/
                 - Damn! When did these foreigners learn to program?
         http://www.altmuehlnet.baynet.de/~carlica/bill/baddm.html
                    - dateline: 1976. Bill decides against GNU BASIC

         USENET spammers were struck a near-fatal blow this week, as
         the amassed forces of antispamdom (new word) got bored and
         went home. From today, the cancelling anti-spam bots that
         guard USENET from the more outrageous mass-mailers will be
         turned off, allowing spam to flood the system as much as it
         wants. It remains to be seen whether USENET will crash,
         quite literally, in flames, or the spammers will notice
         that no-one's listening anymore and move on to a more
         effective medium, like jamming teletext broadcasts or
         something. In the meantime, we recommend you retire to your
         mailing-list bunkers until the fallout has cleared. This
         has been a public service announcement.
         http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=339705297.1
                                               - run away! run away!

         FALLLLLLCOOOOOOO! The bad, BAD thoughts of those predicting
         the demise of Saatchi & Saatchi's favourite Web design
         house AMX DIGITAL were vindicated Thursday when
         "voluntarily liquidation" spontaneously occurred. Top Falco
         goes to the anonymous source who sent an eerily prescient
         tip back in mid-February. Of course, the ravings that
         accompanied it - suggesting that the liquidation would be
         followed by an instant reforming of the company under a
         different name - must be discounted as wildest speculation.
         But then, what do we know? We thought AMX were the guys who
         did the mouse for the BBC Micro. And who is RealTime, and
         why would they want 80% of the new company? Does anyone
         know? No. Still, eh? Falcoooooooooo!
         http://www.amxdigital.com/bob_d_1.html
                                - "you can't predict the unexpected"
         http://www.artwalker.com/o/
           - the AMX mouse people appear to have gone completely mad
         http://www.picknmix.demon.co.uk/MrA.htm
               - or maybe they always were: stories from the old AMX
         http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=a98/now0213.txt&l=306#l
                                      - and what is "Falco", please?


                               >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         ANON.PENET.FI Scientology case finally closes - without a
         prosecution... MIKE BATT writes letter to Music Week
         warning of illicit Womble MP3 downloads... "Apple Board
         Says Jobs Can Stay as Long as He Likes", reveals NEW YORK
         TIMES... MAC OFFICE 98 bug tries to trash System folder
         when you uninstall: Microsoft "recommends not using this
         utility"... RES ROCKET now freeware... Microsoft, barred
         from JAVA ONE, hang around outside with free T-shirts and
         pizza coupons... "Internet Users Spend More Time, Money on
         PCs", INTERNETNEWS.COM uncovers... CU AMIGA put System 7 on
         their cover CD (3 times): didn't realise that Apple might
         object... CHARLIE BROOKER inevitably gets his revenge on
         Edge: http://www.ntk.net/edged/edge.ram ... AUSTRALIAN
         CHESS CHAMPION claims opponent distracted him "with her
         breasts"... controversial Oasis Webmaster DEREK GORMAN
         takes break - for A-Levels...


                              >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                        goto's considered non-harmful

         DECADENT ACTION have been inappropriately busy again,
         fussing us with press releases announcing this year's WORLD
         PHONE IN SICK DAY on 6/4/98. To usher in the new financial
         year, DA urge citizens to slack off, take a sickie, and
         thus undermine the economy and bring about the collapse of
         the state. We still think that actively reporting in sick
         is too much bother, though. Why not get your mate to call,
         so your boss *knows* you're faking it?
         http://www.paranoia.com/~rtmark/daphoneinsick.html
            - and what if I'm paid to be a medical research subject?

         The geek-friendly way to celebrate Jesus Christ's
         suspiciously convenient return from the dead: INTUITION,
         the "1998 British National Science Fiction (SF) Convention
         (Eastercon)", runs from next Fri [10/04/98] right through
         to Monday, at the Jarvis Piccadilly and Britannia Hotels,
         Manchester. Their site's oddly *counter*-intuitive, but the
         strange attractors appear to include authors Connie Willis,
         Ian McDonald and fanzine editor Martin Tudor, poetry, a
         costumed masquerade, plus what sounds like a version of
         Robot Wars which adheres rather more closely to Asimov's
         Three Laws. Admission on the door depends when you attend,
         or do all four days for just 40 of your Earth pounds.
         http://www.ast.cam.ac.uk/~acb/intuition/
           - clearly somehow they kept it a secret from George Takei

         Not to be confused with "The Quickening", in which
         Highlander-style "Immortals" battle to try and cut each
         other's heads off, THE GATHERING remains our favourite of
         the giant Scandinavian demo parties, if only because it's
         the only one we've ever been to. Like last year, it's held
         in the Vikingskipet (Viking Ship) Olympic skating stadium,
         Hamar, Norway (short train ride from Oslo), from Wed
         08/04/98 to 12/04/98. Specialist compos include Amiga 64K
         intro, Amiga 4K intro, PC 64K intro, PC 4K intro, PC Text-
         mode demo, C64 Demo, Java demo, Useless utility and (our
         favourite) the Totally Wild Compo.
         http://www.gathering.org
         - girls no longer get in free : this *is* an interesting trend
         http://www.thegathering.org
                    - not to be confused with "The Gathering Of Men"
         http://www.nirvana.it/home_int.htm
         - Christopher Lambert's next effort: Tron for the '90s?
                                                         In Italian?


                                >> TRACKING <<
                zzt ... zzt ... zzt... BLEEPEEPEEPEEPEEP BEEP

         Microsoft and the Royal Mail, working together: just how
         slow could you get? "None more slow," seems to be the
         answer: their new RELAYONE service lets you send your e-
         mail to a postal address, but it takes "up to" 24 hours to
         get into the envelope - and that's before it enters the
         uniformed routers of the PO's snailmail network. And none
         more expensive, either: 1.50UKP for a single A4 sheet.
         Messages can be sent to UK addresses only. Best bit:
         "RelayOne takes the matter of security very seriously
         indeed. That's why we use a sophisticated encryption system
         to protect your credit card details." And then print out
         your e-mail at our centre so that anyone can read it...
         http://relayone.msn.com/
         - "printed at 300dpi using professional industrial standard
                                                     laser printers"

         Spidey sense tingling? Must be the cool US toys from
         Christmas now filtering down to UK street level -
         including, at last, the SPIDERMAN WEB BLASTER. Potentially
         "the new nerf" of office geeks everywhere, this 15UKP arm-
         mounted webslinger allows you shoot foam silly-string at
         victims, while adopting the famous "wrist up" stance.
         Thwip! Thwip! Concerned parents might like to know that the
         Blaster has been nominated by "Top Ten Worst Toys" for its
         "potential for face and eye injuries". Other nominees
         include another Marvel-inspired death-trap, the
         *fantastically* lethal-looking Wolverine "Awesome Arm". A
         must for potential beserkers (ages 5 and up), this arm
         attachment features "retractable striking claws" for "claw
         striking excitement". Tell us if you spot it in Woolies.
         http://www.swartzlaw.com/toy
          - "Super Sock'em Boppers" sadly not a Rudy Rucker spin-off


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         special "return of the Extropians" memepack:
         www.transhumanist.com/ ... Ayn Rand translated back into
         Russian... http://members.aol.com/mattjasper/robotics/ ...
         And even the smart Lego movement is getting out of control:
         www.lego.com/technic/cybermaster/enhanced.asp ... Tetris
         for Quake: http://members.xoom.com/phooky/q2tetris.html ...
         MS NetShow 3 not to be RealAudio compatible; AOL prepares
         their own streaming audio system... "International Symbol
         of Victory": www.hi5arm.com/home2.html ... So how did Lycos
         get that plug into OKTOBER?... The FAST SHOW renamed
         "Brilliant!" for the US... Oh, and ftp://dk/ and
         http://listen.the.longest.host.name.you.can.have.is.255.cha
         racters.or.twohundredfiftyfive.if.you.want.to.see.it.in.its
         .full.glory.therefore.the.longest.url.better.start.with.a.h
         ost.name.which.is.precisely.two.hundred.fifty.five.characte
         rs.long.ok.666.assurdo.com/my.url.is.longer.than.yours/ are
         positively the last we have to say on this matter.


                               >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                         media junk for media junkies

         TV>> Channel 5 launches its imaginatively titled "Sci-Five"
         weekend with John Carpenter Jesus-weepie STARMAN (9pm, Sat,
         C5) - spoiled by the fact that at no point in the film does
         anyone say: "But you don't understand, Mrs Hayden: that
         *thing* is no longer your husband!"... also showing:
         classic '80s crypto-Nazi miniseries V (11.10pm, Sat, C5),
         and the first-ever THE INVADERS (4.15am, Sat, C5), whose
         titles strangely emphasise that a) it's a Quinn-Martin
         production, and b) that lead character David Vincent is an
         *architect*. Like that'd qualify him to do really detailed
         3D sketches of UFO interiors or something... rather more
         down-to-earth fun with Martin Scorsese in Dilbert nightmare
         AFTER HOURS (1am, Sat, BBC2) plus TAXI DRIVER (9.30pm, Sat,
         BBC2) - maybe the censors fell asleep and missed those last
         five, ultraviolent minutes?... otherwise it's time for "NTK
         readers plug their desperate stabs at fame": gangling Ben
         Moor appears in *next* week's episode of The-Bill-on-BBC
         cop drama CITY CENTRAL (8.10pm, Sat, BBC2)... precocious
         child composer Daniel Pemberton claims to have written the
         choons for gangster docu MOB LAW (9.30pm, Sat, C4)... it's
         the last LEE AND HERRING'S THIS MORNING WITH RICHARD NOT
         JUDY (12.15pm, Sun, BBC2), but their tour starts soon, info
         at www.leeandherring.com/this/tour.html ... and, who knows,
         even we might be vaguely funny (for once), abusing
         Microsoft's Barney-bot in the last of THE NET (11.15pm,
         Mon, BBC2)... the "Obsessions" dramas conclude with real-
         trainspotter play adaptation ANORAK OF FIRE (9.55pm, Sun,
         BBC2)... but plenty of the real thing in the Big Brother/
         New World Order free-range chat on FOR THE LOVE OF
         (12midnight, Mon, C4)... enhance your Easter week enjoyment
         with classic Disney sci-fantasy: THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE
         WORLD, THE ISLAND AT THE TOP OF THE WORLD, THE SPACEMAN AND
         KING ARTHUR, CONDORMAN, and 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA
         (10.30am-ish, Mon-Fri, BBC2)... Twin Peaks' Lara Flynn
         Boyle is one of the oversexed roomsharing students working
         through the permutations in THREESOME (10pm, Tue, C4)... a
         NewTek Video Toaster (and T-shirt) briefly cameo in worthy
         sequel WAYNE'S WORLD 2 (10pm, Wed, BBC1)... and watch for a
         MacGyver in-joke, plus an evil Egyptian-robot alien
         actually using the line "This one has *spirit!*", in
         hilarious spinoff series STARGATE SG-1 (8pm, Wed, Sky1)...

         FILM>> sorry, we goofed: SPHERE was postponed to this
         (already crowded) week to avoid the not-quite-sunk-yet
         Titanic, but it's *still* rubbish, even with the cameo
         appearance by Xterm. NTK says: instead, wait to see what
         possible twists Sharon Stone could encounter in Basic
         Instinct 2... wrinkly beekeeper Peter Fonda fails to
         explain exactly what Ulay (as in "Oil of Ulay") is as he
         ingeniously battles hoodlums for ULEE'S GOLD (MPAA rated: R
         for "language")... like an Australian tryout for his role
         in the upcoming Avengers, Ralph Fiennes joins Cate
         Blanchett as made-for-each other historical wackos in OSCAR
         AND LUCINDA (imdb: romance / drama / based-on-novel /
         gambling / obsession / 1800s)... Martin Scorsese teams with
         the writer of ET for philosophical Tibetan ponderings in
         KUNDUN (imdb: non-violence / buddhism / reverse-footage /
         biographical / monastry / drama / slow-motion / historical
         / political / religion / stop-motion / sand / teacher-
         student / dalai-lama / mandala)... Joe "Jagged Edge/ Basic
         Instinct" Eszterhas seems to have avoided his usual "it's
         not who you think - oh, it is" plot twist in autobiog
         coming-of-ager TELLING LIES IN AMERICA (MPAA rated: PG-13
         for "sex-related situations")... KILLER TONGUE (imdb:
         Spain) sounds just like a Latin Tarantino/ Rodriguez desert
         heist romance remake of Species... and finally, good to see
         Nathan Lane and Lee Evans dwarfed by rodent special effects
         in kiddie holiday fodder MOUSE HUNT (MPAA rated: PG for
         "language, comic sensuality and mayhem")...

         SKI-TEK>> Overwhelming urge to be your own Captain Nemo and
         voyage to the bottom of the sea? Check out US Submarines'
         Phoenix 1000, built _ a tad carelessly, perhaps - for a
         multimillionaire who welched on the deal, and yours for a
         mere $75 million: http://www.ussubs.com/ ... DIY fanatics
         cut along to "human Battenburg Cake" Adam Hart-Davis's
         http://www.bbc.co.uk/education/local_heroes/makesub.htm
         site to build a fully functional 18th-century Drebbel sub
         for more like 75p... More ambitious? Try the Breakthrough
         Physics Propulsion Research Workshop from NASA Lewis, which
         should tell you all you need to know to build a fully-
         functional star drive instead (well, nearly -- that last
         little bit is the point of the workshop, after all):
         www.lerc.nasa.gov/WWW/bpp/BPPWrkshp_STAIF_PrePrnt.htm ...
         With the American Chemical Society meeting offering plastic
         transistors for roll-up computer screens, buckyballs at a
         bargain-basement $100/pound and a recipe for metallic glass
         ("transparent aluminium", anyone?), the Enterprise is
         surely just around the corner... Quantum physicists seem
         unperturbed by the return of the ether... Watch out for new
         Mars Global Surveyor images of the Cydonian "Face on Mars",
         mid-afternoon 6/4/98, or early hours 15/4/98, and deep-
         frozen remains of plucky little Pathfinder a day or so
         later... then chat live to oh-so-cool Apollo Flight
         Director Chris Kraft at Yahoo 8-9PM ET on April 25th; he's
         promoting an HBO mini-series, but who cares?... satellite-
         linked GPS-controlled "liquid-manure applicator" under
         development at Purdue University: "It used to be that a
         farmer would go out and apply 20,000 gallons of manure
         without having records of where he put it," they say _ how
         unlike real life, then...


                              >> SMALL PRINT <<

      Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
        happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
      on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
    nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
      It is registered at the Post Office as "the pain in your office".


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