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               "There is no more open market than Internet browsers.
            Consumers can use any Internet browser they want just by
                     taking five seconds to download a new browser."
                                    - BILL GATES, in his Slate diary
         though it helps when ftp.microsoft.com is only two doors down


                               >> HARD NEWS <<
                               made to confuse

         Jim "Netscape" Barksdale, Scott "Sun" McNealy and Bill
         "Everything Else" Gates were called to a SENATE JUDICIARY
         COMMITTEE hearing this Wednesday to explain exactly what
         all this goddamn commotion was about. Jimmy and Scott said
         it was Billy who'd started it, that he'd told Michael Dell
         not to play with them. Also, they alleged, whenever Jimmy
         and Scott wanted to play, Billy always had to join in
         (because he owned the ball). Senator Hatch and his
         colleagues asked Michael whether this was true. Michael
         said that he just wanted to play with Billy this one time,
         and Billy said Michael could borrow the ball to play with
         Jimmy if that's what he wanted to do. Scott and Jim started
         shouting at Billy, saying that was a lie; further, that he
         was a cheat; and moreover that he was just using his ball
         ownership as leverage in order to establish a commanding
         presence in other unrelated game sectors. When asked by
         Senator Hatch whether they thought the government should
         spank anyone here who was lying, all of them went quiet and
         said no. The hearing was adjourned when Billy started to
         cry.
         http://www.upside.com/texis/mvm/story?id=34fdf6a40
               - The "real" Gates diary. Ironically, not real at all.
         http://www.c-span.org/onprogak.htm#e0303
                       - "Real" Video and "Real" Audio of the event.
         http://www.nypost.com/business/217.htm
                          - a body language expert writes: Gates has
                                "a Princess Diana quality about him"

         Just how tolerant are the INTERNET WATCH FOUNDATION? That's
         the self-referential question that the IWF will be asking,
         after their announcement of a proposed rating system for UK
         Web sites on Wednesday. The new ratings include a special
         "tolerance" setting, which varies between 0 (neutral to
         other groups) to 4 ("Advocates action which would cause
         physical, psychological or economic harm or violence
         against the group"). Naturally, the IWF would hope that
         economic harm would occur to anyone who *didn't* stick
         their ratings tag on all their Web pages, so that gets them
         a four. Also intriguing is the "sex" rating, which
         estimates "periods, etc." as a "2", and masturbation as a
         "4". Startling to think that without the IWF, innocent
         teenagers might have stumbled across these issues.
         http://www.iwf.org.uk/
         - Not to be confused with the Internet Wrestling Federation
         http://www.leeds.ac.uk/law/pgs/yaman/right-to-reply.html
         - Yaman gets a 4 in all our books. Baby.

         The Good Ship of British Government continues to sail
         perilously close to the Ginormous Rocks of NUMBINGLY STUPID
         CRYPTO LEGISLATION. This week, the DTI has been calling up
         everyone it knows to find out whether *any* business
         interest thinks key escrow is a good idea. Not a great time
         to do so, given that in the US, a broad coalition of
         companies have just launched a $15 million media campaign
         to publicise their opposition over there. And these
         dangerous radicals are? Let's see: Microsoft, Intel,
         Netscape, Cisco, Sun, 3Com, AOL, Adobe, Lotus, Compaq,
         Honeywell, Rockwell, SCO, Mastercard, Visa... looks like
         GCHQ is going to have problems keeping track, even *with*
         their private keys.
         http://www.computerprivacy.org/
           - trusted third parties? They don't even trust each other
         http://www.demon.net/news/features/crypto/
                  - bless their "pillars of the Net community" socks

                    [Because the crypto issue is so fast moving
                    (and, of course, really James Bondish and
                    exciting) NTK has set up a special mailing list
                    so you can receive almost-daily updates. For top
                    news on spooks, cypherpunks, those funny
                    politicians and what you can do to help, e-mail
                    <majordomo@lists.unfortu.net> with the message
                    "subscribe crypto-announce". First MI5 plant
                    wins a special prize! ]


                               >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         MS to dump IE channel bar, claims "is unpopular"... WINDOWS
         NT crashes: world's media horrified... Apple ditches
         NEWTON; owners plan protest march: look forward to seeing
         those placard spellings... Worst URL of the week:
         http://www.citibankprivatebankphotoprize.co.uk/ ...
         MACROMEDIA publicity gets desperate: www.sludgereport.com
         ... Top model Honor Fraser uses TIMES INTERFACE "for all
         her computer news" - Guardian... "POINTCAST In No Rush For
         IPO"... JULIAN LLOYD WEBBER says media ignores classical
         music "unless semi-naked bimbo violinists" are involved...
         How many programmers does BIB have? How about "three"?...
         Net Cited As Avenue For Computer Crime, uncovers WIRED...
         COMPUTER CHANNEL relaunches as .TV, preserves commitment to
         boring rubbish... Microsoft hate us, PSION moans...


                              >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                        goto's considered non-harmful

         STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND LISTEN TO US. We've
         decided, against everyone else's better judgement, to do
         another NTK Live. Yes, that's right: Forty minutes of
         realtime geek news, amusing funnies, upsettingly personal
         confessions and slap-dash vitriol, served up in front of a
         live cybercafe audience, then compressed into crackly
         RealMedia for your online enjoyment. We'll have more
         details next week (when we've written some of it), but in
         the meantime, make a space in your lives for THE WEBSHACK,
         15 DEAN STREET, LONDON, 6.30pm, on Monday 16/3/98. And
         until then: lay down on the floor, listen to the beta show,
         and keep calm.
         http://www.ntk.net/live/
                                    - 500 audio streams of gibberish

         "It was the year 2020. Dr Nicholas Wee of the Singapore
         Robotics Research Institute was adding the finishing
         touches to his human-like robot." That's the most
         informative thing you get if you AltaVista for "Jupitus" -
         as in Phill, as in Never Mind The Buzzcocks, but also as in
         READY JEDI GO, his stand-up Star Wars spoof which has just
         started touring the UK. It sounds like all the gags you've
         ever made about the Holy Trilogy - using the Jedi mind-
         trick to order drinks etc - plus (one imagines) numerous
         imitations of Chewbacca. But we've warmed to the Jabba-like
         Jupitus since discovering his previous incarnation as Porky
         The Punk Poet, who once supported Billy Bragg and drew
         illustrated lyrics for him and Attila The Stockbroker.
         Check local search engines (or even newspapers and
         magazines) for details - or you could always stick with the
         adventures of Pinpin, Gopi, and Dr Nicholas Wee.
         http://iagent.iti.gov.sg:5000/cgi-bin/child_frame1b
         - "Aliens from spaceship Jupitus!" cried Patrick.
                                          "I am not insured enough!"

         It's embarrassing to admit Blue Peter reviewed this a month
         before we did, but we finally sent someone down to Croydon
         to see DEVIOUS DEVICES, and ... they like. A group of
         automata inspired by "twentieth century objects" that were
         selected by Terry Gilliam (who is, one assumes, too cranked
         on the Fear and Loathing set to do much else), the pieces
         include work by Ralph Steadman and Keith Newstead. The best
         bit, our correspondent writes, are "some rather scary wee
         men walking in a circle". Until 4/6/98, at the Croydon
         Clocktower, then touring to Wolverhampton, Manchester,
         Birmingham, Newport and Hollyhead.
         http://www.croydon.gov.uk/cr-exhib.htm
         - this place is turning into the National Geek Museum
         http://www.cabaret.co.uk/newstead.html
         - "one of them mysteriously transforms into an alien"
         http://www0.bbc.co.uk/bluepeter/recently/january98.html
                       - check here for tour dates. The shame!


                                >> TRACKING <<
                                     -404

         Somehow we doubt that Tomorrow's World magazine - or any of
         the other blokey gadget mags - could ever capture the
         insane soldering-on spirit of Britain's ultimate low-tech
         newsletter, the BULL ELECTRICAL CATALOGUE. Regular NTK
         tipster Moose has drawn our attention to their latest
         knock-off end-of-line bargain, Chieftain Tank Lasers (9
         watts, 900nm infra-red, 5 mile range, now down to 200 quid
         "despite some pretty heavy visits from the military
         police"). Now almost-fully online, the Sussex-based danger
         merchants also offer their solution to the banning of the
         Video Sender home TV transmitter (sell it in kit form),
         plus hydroponics, steam engines, circuit diagrams for
         paranormal devices, and live worms. In today's safety-
         conscious consumer world, it's good to see a company whose
         corporate history breezily lists their bizarre
         misjudgements, mishaps and brushes with the law - including
         at least one fatality.
         http://www.bull-electrical.com/
           - so, does Weird Stuff Warehouse have lasers? Off a TANK?

         We've covered it before (NTK 23/1/98), but the *proper*
         MacOS 8.1 for UK users was finally sneaked onto the servers
         this week. Don't forget to get the new runtime for Java
         (because it's sooo good), and the PowerPC Disk Tools image
         (because your one is now out of date) say those crazy first
         adopter types, who as we speak are trying to work out how
         to get the old filing system back. Probably.
         http://www.apple.com/macos/macos8.1/
                           - 16 megs - or two seconds if you're Bill
         ftp://ftp.info.euro.apple.com/Apple.Support.Area/ ...etc
                                    - you find it, if you're so keen


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         Mr Jobs? We finally got the handwriting recognition
         working! http://www.paragraph.com/javapad/JavPad.html ...
         T.R.O.O.P.E.R.S - http://theforce.net/troops/ ... DAX to
         leave DS9 ... Watch *this* go out of date:
         http://datapult.com/domains.html ... maybe DISTRIBUTED.NET
         should turn to spamming: www.dcs.ex.ac.uk/~aba/hashcash/
         ... Terri Pearson, Neil McRae - who *isn't* leaving DEMON
         this week?... There *is* such a thing as a free launch:
         http://195.50.90.75/wavtv/ ... We neither condone nor condemn
         http://satan.idsoftware.com/psteed/ ... Nor
         http://billywildhack.com/ ... RTE shows memorial FATHER TED
         - replaces "One Foot In The Grave"... SOUTH PARK hits Sky
         at end of March... "In cyberspace, no-one can hear you
         scream. Unless they have at least RealAudio 3.0" - or one
         of these? www.mpman.com/ ... NASA turbocodes... Studies in
         "intelligence": www.odci.gov/csi/studies/95unclas/lea.html
         ... MYST guys split : you must try and fit them back
         together again to continue... And how long is that lunar
         water going to last then? ... hidden messages in
         DIGITALMINDSTREAM?... EUROPE ONLINE to - return?... "What
         IS this?"... polite URLs: http://www.infoplease.com ...
         REBOOT is dead! Long live WAR PLANET and WEIRD-OHS! ...


                               >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                          electronic *fun* transfer

         TV >> NTK exclusive backstage gossip: cute actress Trevyn
         McDowell from COMEDY NATION (12.15am, Fri, BBC2) - also the
         wife in the UK version of Mad About You - is apparently "a
         huge sci-fi fan", particularly of Frank Herbert's Dune...
         oh, and those cheeky guys back in a surprise two-episode
         run of THE ADAM AND JOE SHOW (11.05pm, Fri, C4) are -
         allegedly - really into Star Wars... Trek episodes never
         got quite as bad as Gene Roddenberry's women-ruled romp
         PLANET EARTH (1am, Fri, BBC1) - but it's a close-run
         thing... two eponymous theme evenings battle it out on Sat,
         with BBC2's "My Name Is Michael Caine" (9pm-2.10am)
         answering C4's "Who Do You Think You Are, Stirling Moss?"
         (9pm-2.25am)... which leaves ITV's "Grand Prix Night With
         Murray Walker" (10.15pm-5.10am) to feature two of Murray's
         lesser-known films: Clint Eastwood actioner THE ROOKIE and
         THE DIRTY DOZEN: THE DEADLY MISSION... seems like his old
         Moviedrome slot is now the only place you'll see Alex Cox
         output HIGHWAY PATROLMAN (11.45pm, Sun, BBC2)... while Nam
         chopper epic APOCALYPSE NOW (10pm, Sun, C4) is of course
         based - as everyone knows - on the literary classic Three
         Men In A Boat... Adam Hart-Davis takes his personal demons
         up-river in an oar-propelled submarine in LOCAL HEROES
         (8pm, Mon, BBC2)... but has yet to tackle truly terrifying
         inventions like the *enormous hair* sported by Fenella
         George, co-presenter of the now quite bizarre THE NET
         (11.15pm, Mon, BBC2)... best "reality TV" docu ever? zoo-
         and-village meanderthon LION COUNTRY (3pm, Mon-Fri,
         BBC1)... BBC2's new "Late Arrivals" series on motherhood
         hits complications when NEXT OF KIN (9.50pm, Tue, BBC2)
         profiles Zoe Ball - and her dad, Johnny... Harry Enfield
         crams his career into half an hour in FIRST ON FOUR (10pm,
         Wed, C4)... a lethal virus threatens to jump species in
         OUTBREAK (9pm, Wed, ITV) - and, no, Dustin Hoffman doesn't
         play the monkey... plus: Picard's assimilated, and (even
         worse?) Riker assumes command - The Best Of Both Worlds may
         be the only episode of STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION (6pm,
         Wed, BBC2) to be titled from the Borg's point of view...

         MOVIES >> a smart script, a bright cast, and one of those
         rare likeable performances by Robin Williams: GOOD WILL
         HUNTING (imdb: orphan / mathematics / genius / therapy /
         drama / vulgarity / pyschology / friendship / math) is the
         deeply harrowing, amusing, and uplifting fable for the
         belligerent underachieving child prodigy in us all -
         though, as one NTK previewer put it: "Too much love story
         and not enough combinatorial mathematics for my liking. See
         if you can spot the unlikely looking equations on the
         boards (like 123^5 + 657^5 - 10 etc.) - as if theoretical
         mathematicians are going to say 'Well, that equation looks
         right, let's just try putting some numbers into it to make
         sure.'"... elsewhere, Morgan Freeman dignifies a semi-
         average serial killer thriller in which the kidnapper never
         actually gets to KISS THE GIRLS (MPAA rated: R for "terror,
         violence and language")... and another of those weird Brit
         actor double-bills (the third in a month), with Rupert
         Graves in post-WWI era It's The (Virginia) Woolf!
         adaptation MRS DALLOWAY (MPAA rated: PG-13 for "emotional
         elements and brief nudity")... plus disappointingly failed
         play-adaptation BENT (imdb: war / drama / gay / WWII),
         which only succeeds in putting the "camp" back into
         "concentration camp"...

         EDIBLES >> OPAL FRUITS "made to make your mouth water"?
         Well, perhaps they meant "slaver with fury" following their
         daft US-friendly renaming as STARBURSTS - as predicted way
         back in NTK 19/09/97... this month's why-didn't-I-think-of-
         that goes to RUMBLERS - 60g of dried breakfast cereal in a
         dual-payload plastic package with 125ml of fresh semi-
         skimmed milk. Expensive at 80p or more, but worth it just
         for the astonishing self-assembly spoon... frenzied
         speciation continues in the choc bar market - the ROLO
         SMOOTH (aka the "New name for Rolo Bar"), huge blocks of
         CADBURY'S CARAMEL, the BIG CRUNCHIE - plus mint, orange,
         and giant-sized variants of everything that wasn't
         originally mint, orange or giant-sized before (how long
         before the Limited Edition King-Size Minty Terry's
         Chocolate Orange?) Pics of most at
         http://www.jakeh.demon.co.uk/collection.html (but where's
         the "Dark And White" MARS BAR?)... dullest innovation: the
         6 tiny Hubba-Bubba-ish pieces in a pack of WRIGLEY'S ORBIT
         FOR CHILDREN - presumably aimed at youngsters unprepared
         for the thrills of a full-strength adult-rated sugar-free
         chew experience (connoisseurs, fear not - it still
         "contains a source of Phenylalanine"; excessive consumption
         may still produce "laxative effects")... Trebor's EXTRA
         STRONG MINT diversification has its fans, this reviewer
         unfortunately not one of them - although the HURRICANE
         provides one of the zingier aftertastes on the shelf right
         now... back with breakfast, a lot of fingers burned by the
         shock redesign of POP TARTS (in deep blue to complement the
         roll-out of Kellogg's Squares in newsagents?) and the
         simultaneous flavour slimdown/ expansion: raspberry and
         blueberry are now, officially, *toast*, replaced by
         Strawberry Sensation, Watermelon Splash, Berry Bonanza,
         Brown Sugar Spice, and - rather less alliteratively -
         Chocotastic... product name of the month (spotted in
         Sainsburys): MR FUNNY'S RUNNY HONEY, a "Mr Men" tie-in
         spread that improves on old *unfunny* runny honey by adding
         the great extra taste of orange, blackcurrant, or
         strawberry. What next - Mr Bump's Mumpy Lumps? Mr Silly's
         Willy Chilli? oh, never mind...
                                                     - ben@spesh.com


                              >> SMALL PRINT <<

      Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
        happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
      on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
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