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         "[Steve Jobs] will wait for the exact climate. He will feel
                                                         the pulse."
         - RICHARD DOHERTY, on the ETA for Apple "entertainment device"
                                          he can still feel a pulse?

  LET THE SARCASM BE UNCONFINED! NTK LIVE, THIS MONDAY, 18.30GMT, 16/3/98
                        (SEE EVENT QUEUE FOR DETAILS)


                               >> HARD NEWS <<
                             and what it behooves

         It was a week of keynotes, keywords, and kebabing in the
         JAVA corner of Internet World. MICROSOFT launched their
         latest Java compiler, designed to be just like everyone
         elses' offerings, except faster and more incompatible. They
         introduced their own set of classes, while refusing to even
         look at Sun's official set (literally - Microsoft's top
         Java man "deliberately avoided looking at the Sun JFCs"; in
         case he was turned, Indiana-Jones-like, into ashes?). And,
         following the official MS line of "if it ain't broke, fix
         it so it is", they added two extra keywords to the
         language. The Java purists responded with their "write
         once, run around everywhere - screaming" mantra, but worse
         was to come. On Wednesday, gaunt Apple, still slavering
         over Bill Gates' $150 million food parcel of last year,
         announced they were going with Bill's Java, not Sun's. As
         Sun whined, Microsoft's Steve Ballmer was gloating in the
         New Yorker about obtaining the original Java license: "We
         didn't come in there saying, 'Hallelujah brother, we love
         you Sun, you're our boys'". Not when Apple really *are*
         your boys.
         http://www.sjmercury.com/business/microsoft/java/docs/java030698.htm
                      - official: keywords were not "near" and "far"
         http://www.developer.com/news/stories/031198_wfc.html
            - technical details explained so you can get these jokes
         http://www.apple.com/pr/library/1998/mar/11java.html
                                                          - attaboys

         So, what happens when the ageing hippies of the Digital
         Revolution get even more aged, and *squishy-soft* on the
         truths they held so self-evidently dear? Well, all that
         cranky libertarianism goes out the window for a start, and
         shiny new TECHNOREALISM takes its place. A fine assemblage
         of cyberspace's comfortable-shoe-wearing thinkers took to
         the soapboxes on Wednesday to announce their
         Technorealistic manifesto. Among the new slogans being
         chanted on the barricades outside Harvard Business School
         was the catchy "Information wants to be protected",,
         "Government has an important role to play on the electronic
         frontier" and "Are technological changes good or bad?" -
         altogether now - "The answer is BOTH!". Interested parties
         (who must number at least twenty) looked forward to pitched
         street battles between the John Perry Barlite old guard and
         the cardigan-wearing shocktroops, but to no avail. For who
         were the first to offer their lives for the new crusade?
         Why, rumour has it, Wired editor and "hive consciousness"
         guru Kevin Kelly, Howard "psychedelic funster" Rheingold
         and ... Mr "Cyberspace Declaration of Independence"
         himself. So what would happen if they held a war, and every
         turned up on the same side?
         http://www.technorealism.org/
                  - "Technorealism is by no means an exclusive club"
         http://www.technorealist.org/
                   - or is there a more... satisfactory explanation?

         What does it matter if you let one ex-governor of Hong Kong
         go, when you have the whole of the EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT in
         your pocket? After initial pressure from Mr Murdoch's
         companies, the EU is currently moving to make not only the
         advertising and sale of pirate decrypting devices (like Sky
         smartcard hacks - ah, if they still worked) illegal Europe-
         wide, but also "the provision of information and measures
         facilitating unauthorised access". By the terms of the
         proposal, that would criminalise any attempt to demonstrate
         the weakness of, say, 40-bit crypto by brute force
         breaking, or indeed any public discussion of security
         weaknesses in an encryption system. That would put a bit of
         a damper on future www.distributed.net efforts, news
         coverage of the latest BugTraq NT hole - and indeed, any
         discussion of crypto flaws at all. Oh, and if we were to
         tell you that you can log in to most registration Websites
         with the user id "cypherpunk", password "cypherpunk"? Well,
         we wouldn't, because they'd come and arrest us for it. Doh.
         Click below for useful tips in contacting your MEP. But
         hurry - the first consultative period ends next Wednesday.
         What? The EC didn't tell you earlier? What an *oversight*.
         http://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/~mgk25/ca-law/
                  - Us? We're still puppets of Ross "Gerry" Anderson
         http://www.hackwatch.com/~kooltek/
                                                   - Hack the skies!


                               >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         REVOLUTION's Website so revolutionary, it forgets about
         MIME types... MARS PATHFINDER declared dead... asteroid
         *not* going to hit after all, despite excellent tie-in with
         ARMAGEDDON movie, and some poor loser registering
         1997XF11.COM ... GQ CD-ROM "pants on a stick"... MICROSOFT
         security patch stops Win 95 machines logging onto NT
         networks... LINEONE redesign sucks... NEWS.COM blows the
         lid on "Rockwell modems slow" shocker... Slashdot calls for
         NEWTON to be GPL'd... RALPH NADER's letter urging Dell to
         pre-install Linux on PCs appears to be written using
         Microsoft Word... world's TV experts fails to get "ignorant
         slut" joke from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE when used to describe
         Teletubbies producer... WEBBYAWARDS.COM go to: Bezerk, The
         Well, Salon, Bert Is Evil, and INTERNET MOVIE DATABASE...
         ADA'WEB art site "defunded" by backers.... hypercaffeinated
         citrus cola SURGE (stronger than Jolt) has US ad slogan
         "Feed The Rush"... Bath-based MODIFIED.COM release "Evolver
         ECD" and "PhatBoy 1.0" - and still no clear explanation of
         what they do... Tiger GAME.COM slashed to UKP35, games
         still UKP20-25... and WWW.WORD.COM folds, giving our first
         FALCO! to Anon of NY - see NTK 13/2/98 ...


                              >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                        goto's considered non-harmful

         Yeah, we know - they think that ghettoising it all into
         SCIENCE WEEK [13/03/98 - 22/03/98] makes it OK to bang on
         incessantly about the "arts" and "humanities" the rest of
         the year. That said, some top nerd action to enjoy over the
         next 10 days (clearly, it's a hyperfuturistic *decimal*
         week), largely based around UK techno central: London's
         Science Museum, South Kensington (open till 9pm Tue-Fri).
         Their centrepiece: help build the "world's largest
         diamond", though some listings don't seem to realise that -
         at 202kg, 3m high and comprising just "30,000 molecules" -
         it's clearly just a plastic model and not genuine
         crystalline carbon. If you can't cut it there, a vast
         touring Turing Test will come to you online, sponsored by
         Tomorrow's World MegaLab, the Electronic Telegraph, and
         FringeWare at the SXSW Interactive festival, Austin, Texas.
         Punters will be invited to vote on the human-ness of famed
         chatbots "Barry DeFacto", "Albert One", "ALICE", and - stop
         us if you can see this joke coming - "Philippa Forester".
         http://www.bbc.co.uk/tw/megalab/megalab.html
         "I really didn't need to know that on about, thanks." (sic)
         http://www.setweek.org/
                   - evil science kids... with goggles! and a probe!

         But what happens when SCIENCE GOES BAD? That's the poorly
         held-to theme of next week's NEED TO KNOW LIVE, our under-
         rehearsed RealAudio show and multimedia performance
         experience. Tune in at the URL below, or join us in our
         makeshift "studio" at the WEBSHACK, 15 Dean Street, London,
         England, UK, Earth. Highlights you may otherwise avoid
         include: a 24-hour "Smash Microsoft" Bill-a-thon, our hard-
         hitting game review "It Ruined My Life", spontaneous
         protests against the Starburst/Opal Fruit controversy,
         cruel and vindictive technical support calls with the man
         from www.superkaylo.com , Memepool roundtable with guests
         Rupert Goodwins and ... um, some other people. And some
         other jokes. Show starts at 18.30GMT on Monday 16/3/98, but
         be sure to turn up early to guarantee a space. No, really.
         Free entry for those who turn up!
         http://www.ntk.net/live/ - this is where it'll be
         http://www.webshack-cafe.com/site/html/mapanim.html
                                        - and this is where it'll be


                                >> TRACKING <<
                        they upload it, we upbraid it

         MACROMEDIA, as you know, employ only the most bi-polar of
         manic depressives in their efforts to preserve the mystique
         of their "50% genius, 50% idiocy" product range. After the
         loveliness of Dreamweaver, they're due for a stinker in
         FIREWORKS, the new Web-oriented GIF design package.
         Unfortunately, it's too early to tell from the Beta
         Developer Premiere Overview Version they've posted to their
         ftp site. So early, in fact, we'd recommend you wait for
         the next Preview Pre-Release Time-Limited Version, when at
         least some of the cooler features won't be so horrifically
         slow. To pass the time, you could check out the new Initial
         Release Free Trial Sampler of Paintshop Pro 5. PSP remains
         the Photoshop for urchins set, but now includes proper
         layers, masks 'n' proper selection lassoos, a weirdo
         Picture Tube feature that promises great GIF cliche
         possibilities, and a nifty animation utility. Plus the
         chunky interface is guaranteed to piss off any Kai
         "Trouser" Krause fans in your office. Bo-nus!
         http://www.macromedia.com/software/fireworks/
         - no relation to the Netscape/Macromedia Fireworks thing
         http://ne2.news.com/News/Item/0,4,3069,00.html
         - which appears to have disappeared without trace
         http://www.jasc.com/psp5beta.html
                               - the thinking man's Sausage Software

         You've probably already heard about this - a Director
         program that turns the .WAVs on your PC's hard drive into
         an ambient industrial racket. We'll mention it anyway.
         That's because RAIDER is actually a lot better than it
         sounds (literally!), and also because the author is moving
         into an office next to us soon, and if we keep on his good
         side maybe he won't turn into the "noisy neighbour" he has
         the terrifying potential to be.
         http://www.andyw.com/raider/
                - Eno having a coronary in a sawmill, in slow motion


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         Bawdy Bard Baud : www.zug.com/zug/scrawl/nudebard/ ... Y2K
         problem hits stonemasons - guess who pre-inscribed "19"
         onto all the gravestones? ... maintaining our editorial
         integrity, we can confidently announce WAVTV is
         *frightful*... 3COM register www.palmpc.com - teehee...
         appeals hearing in LOUISE WOODWARD hearing postponed due to
         *another* power-cut - what Satanic powers doth the witch
         possess?... www.x-stream.com/ ... first track on Air's
         "Moon Safari" - is it the SIM CITY music, or what?... "win
         your own pub" FOR ST PATRICK'S DAY: www.guinness.ie ... it
         is the next generation of the NEXT GENERATION mag site:
         http://xena.next-generation.com/jsmid/ ...
         www.greydirect.co.uk/start2.htm ... "TATOOINE Or Bust"...
         Robert "Begbie" Carlyle to play next BOND VILLAIN...
         www2.ecst.csuchico.edu/~atman/attention-fat-bastards.html
         ... MRS OSBERG - you're storing up trouble for yourself...
         http://www.spy.org.uk/ ... Following last week's worst URL,
         we passed on both www.bienplusrapidequunrouteur.3com.com &
         www.llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogog
         och.co.uk (obvious cheating), and settled on
         www.64slicesamericancheese.com (because it's British)...


                               >> GEEK MEDIA <<
               is the television off for any particular reason?

         TV >> better late than never for the return of FATHER TED
         (9.30pm, Fri, C4; also 9pm, Sun) - a bit like a sitcom
         spinoff of the movie The Butcher Boy, only without all them
         murders... see how much bouncier Flubber would have been
         without Robin Williams in the original THE ABSENT MINDED
         PROFESSOR (3.10pm, Sat, LWT only)... THE SHADOW (8.15pm,
         Sat, BBC1) is the comic book movie adaptation with the
         power to cloud men's minds; and also features Alec Baldwin,
         direction from Highlander hack Russell Mulcahy, and a theme
         tune by Jim Steinman... BBC1's entire month's allocation of
         sassiness is required to enforce hilarity when RUBY WAX
         MEETS: THE SPICE GIRLS (7.30pm, Sun, BBC1)... and why are
         those suspiciously British helicopters hovering over the
         otherwise convincing 'Nam nightmare of Kubrick's FULL METAL
         JACKET (10pm, Sun, C4)?... as described in TO THE ENDS OF
         THE EARTH (8pm, Mon, C4), the Thylacine was actually a
         marsupial wolf, and not - as the Radio Times claims - "a
         kind of flesh-eating kangaroo"... WITNESS (9pm, Mon, C4)
         celebrates the eve of St Patrick's Day with accounts of
         Irish women institutionalised for sexual impropriety,
         narrated by Ballykissangel cleric-bait Dervla Kirwan... Who
         loves you? And who do you love? Arnie's back again in
         proto-Gladiators romp THE RUNNING MAN (9pm, Mon, C5)... you
         can't often go wrong with a Bill Murray movie, and he even
         co-directed meandering heist spoof QUICK CHANGE (10pm, Tue,
         C4)... Julian Clary apologises for a lifetime of useless
         material in FIRST ON FOUR (10pm, Wed, C4), including his
         famous "fisting" gag... and maybe they should transplant
         this week's "entertaining geneticists" DNA into all the
         other guests coming up on HORIZON (9.30pm, Thu, BBC2)...

         FILM >> a week of interesting ideas, all marred by
         imperfections: even Helen "Twister" Hunt, Jack "Batman"
         Nicholson and Greg "Talk Soup" Kinnear can't improve the
         cruel-yet-schmaltzy script in multi-Oscar nominated AS GOOD
         AS IT GETS (imdb: comedy / scar / waitress / sickness /
         relationship / mother-daughter / mental-illness / writing /
         homophobia / quirks / dog / lap-dog / single-parent /
         painter / drawing / misanthrope / racism / shrink / callboy
         / gay / love) And yeah, what kind of poster tagline is
         "Brace Yourself For Melvin"?... slight over-smugness is the
         capital crime of Hoffman/ De Niro spin-doctor spoof WAG THE
         DOG (imdb: satire / scandal / plane-crash / comedy /
         political) - disappointingly, it's not about a dog called
         "Wag" (then they could do a sequel called "Socks The Cat"),
         but more like a US version of Yes Minister... Denzel
         Washington's FALLEN (imdb: action / thriller / mystery /
         twist-in-the-end / drama / horror) also has John Goodman
         from Roseanne, and is a stylish extended X Files about a
         body-swapping murder-demon, largely spoiled by the fact
         that at no point does any character turn to the camera to
         say: "EXCELLENT! This new Earth-body... PLEASES ME!"...

         MAGS >> the latest SATELLITE TIMES (Xena on the cover)
         includes an effusive apology to the Christian Channel, yet
         no specific reasons why - NTK spies reveal: it's because
         last month they listed CC programmes under the heading
         "Satanic Black Masses For Lord Beelzebub"... among the
         questions that currently tax science's greatest minds:
         which is worse - TOMORROW'S WORLD MAGAZINE or COMPUTER
         ACTIVE? Please write to letters@computeractive.co.uk and
         point out any (of its many) errors you can spot, while TWM
         is *so dull* your eyes literally fall off the page... in
         the graphics pipeline: EMAP's youth-oriented ents mag (aka
         Project J) to be headed by ex Sky-ed David Hepworth; IDG
         may be planning up to 3 new games titles; and Future
         Publishing's pop-sci nonsense FRONTIERS (due 26/03/98)
         promises a "free-to-enter MENSA IQ test" - what, they mean
         "an ad"?... if you didn't already buy the last-ever SPY, it
         harbours a supercool science gossip column called A Hot
         Month Under The Lab Coat (p20)... current issue of
         "Spectrum And Emulators" zine THE ZX FILES (about UKP2,
         from paulwhite@thezxfiles.demon.co.uk) contains
         authentically badly written reports on Russian Spectrum
         clones, plus astonishing revelations about the Z80 versions
         of Dune 2 and Doom... yeah, we know, Websites don't really
         count, but EON ( www.eonmagazine.com ) comes from the folks
         who did the original Sci-Fi Universe mag (still light-years
         ahead of anyone else); it's now backed by ID4 producer Dean
         Devlin, and still features SFU sci-fi agony aunt Deep Space
         Nina... sticking online, POPGOB ( www.begbie.com/popgob/ )
         is a refreshingly offensive Brit music humour mag - with a
         slightly odd page where "Philippa Forester off of
         Tomorrow's World" reviews the latest singles, and implying
         a rather different rumour to the one that we'd heard...


                        >> UNSOLICITED ADVERTISING <<
                         like we were going to say no

         "NASTY BAD-NATURED COMPANY making good money out of things
         that are always already broken require new person[s] to
         work on some unsullied topper things. Platform agnostic
         software and graphic designers should apply now for the
         chance to work in London's most powerful corner shop.
         Become one of mutleymedia's chosen people and inherit the
         dirt."
                                                    - jobs@tui.co.uk
 
         Want to advertise in NTK? Want to risk us humiliating your
         company with subsequent smarmy comment? Contact
         sellingout@spesh.com for details and "rate card".


                              >> SMALL PRINT <<

      Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
        happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
      on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
    nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
   It is registered at the Post Office as "part of the Corley conspiracy".

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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