Need To Know 1998-03-13

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"[Steve Jobs] will wait for the exact climate. He will feel the pulse." - RICHARD DOHERTY, on the ETA for Apple "entertainment device" he can still feel a pulse? LET THE SARCASM BE UNCONFINED! NTK LIVE, THIS MONDAY, 18.30GMT, 16/3/98 (SEE EVENT QUEUE FOR DETAILS) >> HARD NEWS << and what it behooves It was a week of keynotes, keywords, and kebabing in the JAVA corner of Internet World. MICROSOFT launched their latest Java compiler, designed to be just like everyone elses' offerings, except faster and more incompatible. They introduced their own set of classes, while refusing to even look at Sun's official set (literally - Microsoft's top Java man "deliberately avoided looking at the Sun JFCs"; in case he was turned, Indiana-Jones-like, into ashes?). And, following the official MS line of "if it ain't broke, fix it so it is", they added two extra keywords to the language. The Java purists responded with their "write once, run around everywhere - screaming" mantra, but worse was to come. On Wednesday, gaunt Apple, still slavering over Bill Gates' $150 million food parcel of last year, announced they were going with Bill's Java, not Sun's. As Sun whined, Microsoft's Steve Ballmer was gloating in the New Yorker about obtaining the original Java license: "We didn't come in there saying, 'Hallelujah brother, we love you Sun, you're our boys'". Not when Apple really *are* your boys. http://www.sjmercury.com/business/microsoft/java/docs/java030698.htm - official: keywords were not "near" and "far" http://www.developer.com/news/stories/031198_wfc.html - technical details explained so you can get these jokes http://www.apple.com/pr/library/1998/mar/11java.html - attaboys So, what happens when the ageing hippies of the Digital Revolution get even more aged, and *squishy-soft* on the truths they held so self-evidently dear? Well, all that cranky libertarianism goes out the window for a start, and shiny new TECHNOREALISM takes its place. A fine assemblage of cyberspace's comfortable-shoe-wearing thinkers took to the soapboxes on Wednesday to announce their Technorealistic manifesto. Among the new slogans being chanted on the barricades outside Harvard Business School was the catchy "Information wants to be protected",, "Government has an important role to play on the electronic frontier" and "Are technological changes good or bad?" - altogether now - "The answer is BOTH!". Interested parties (who must number at least twenty) looked forward to pitched street battles between the John Perry Barlite old guard and the cardigan-wearing shocktroops, but to no avail. For who were the first to offer their lives for the new crusade? Why, rumour has it, Wired editor and "hive consciousness" guru Kevin Kelly, Howard "psychedelic funster" Rheingold and ... Mr "Cyberspace Declaration of Independence" himself. So what would happen if they held a war, and every turned up on the same side? http://www.technorealism.org/ - "Technorealism is by no means an exclusive club" http://www.technorealist.org/ - or is there a more... satisfactory explanation? What does it matter if you let one ex-governor of Hong Kong go, when you have the whole of the EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT in your pocket? After initial pressure from Mr Murdoch's companies, the EU is currently moving to make not only the advertising and sale of pirate decrypting devices (like Sky smartcard hacks - ah, if they still worked) illegal Europe- wide, but also "the provision of information and measures facilitating unauthorised access". By the terms of the proposal, that would criminalise any attempt to demonstrate the weakness of, say, 40-bit crypto by brute force breaking, or indeed any public discussion of security weaknesses in an encryption system. That would put a bit of a damper on future www.distributed.net efforts, news coverage of the latest BugTraq NT hole - and indeed, any discussion of crypto flaws at all. Oh, and if we were to tell you that you can log in to most registration Websites with the user id "cypherpunk", password "cypherpunk"? Well, we wouldn't, because they'd come and arrest us for it. Doh. Click below for useful tips in contacting your MEP. But hurry - the first consultative period ends next Wednesday. What? The EC didn't tell you earlier? What an *oversight*. http://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/~mgk25/ca-law/ - Us? We're still puppets of Ross "Gerry" Anderson http://www.hackwatch.com/~kooltek/ - Hack the skies! >> ANTI-NEWS << berating the obvious REVOLUTION's Website so revolutionary, it forgets about MIME types... MARS PATHFINDER declared dead... asteroid *not* going to hit after all, despite excellent tie-in with ARMAGEDDON movie, and some poor loser registering 1997XF11.COM ... GQ CD-ROM "pants on a stick"... MICROSOFT security patch stops Win 95 machines logging onto NT networks... LINEONE redesign sucks... NEWS.COM blows the lid on "Rockwell modems slow" shocker... Slashdot calls for NEWTON to be GPL'd... RALPH NADER's letter urging Dell to pre-install Linux on PCs appears to be written using Microsoft Word... world's TV experts fails to get "ignorant slut" joke from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE when used to describe Teletubbies producer... WEBBYAWARDS.COM go to: Bezerk, The Well, Salon, Bert Is Evil, and INTERNET MOVIE DATABASE... ADA'WEB art site "defunded" by backers.... hypercaffeinated citrus cola SURGE (stronger than Jolt) has US ad slogan "Feed The Rush"... Bath-based MODIFIED.COM release "Evolver ECD" and "PhatBoy 1.0" - and still no clear explanation of what they do... Tiger GAME.COM slashed to UKP35, games still UKP20-25... and WWW.WORD.COM folds, giving our first FALCO! to Anon of NY - see NTK 13/2/98 ... >> EVENT QUEUE << goto's considered non-harmful Yeah, we know - they think that ghettoising it all into SCIENCE WEEK [13/03/98 - 22/03/98] makes it OK to bang on incessantly about the "arts" and "humanities" the rest of the year. That said, some top nerd action to enjoy over the next 10 days (clearly, it's a hyperfuturistic *decimal* week), largely based around UK techno central: London's Science Museum, South Kensington (open till 9pm Tue-Fri). Their centrepiece: help build the "world's largest diamond", though some listings don't seem to realise that - at 202kg, 3m high and comprising just "30,000 molecules" - it's clearly just a plastic model and not genuine crystalline carbon. If you can't cut it there, a vast touring Turing Test will come to you online, sponsored by Tomorrow's World MegaLab, the Electronic Telegraph, and FringeWare at the SXSW Interactive festival, Austin, Texas. Punters will be invited to vote on the human-ness of famed chatbots "Barry DeFacto", "Albert One", "ALICE", and - stop us if you can see this joke coming - "Philippa Forester". http://www.bbc.co.uk/tw/megalab/megalab.html "I really didn't need to know that on about, thanks." (sic) http://www.setweek.org/ - evil science kids... with goggles! and a probe! But what happens when SCIENCE GOES BAD? That's the poorly held-to theme of next week's NEED TO KNOW LIVE, our under- rehearsed RealAudio show and multimedia performance experience. Tune in at the URL below, or join us in our makeshift "studio" at the WEBSHACK, 15 Dean Street, London, England, UK, Earth. Highlights you may otherwise avoid include: a 24-hour "Smash Microsoft" Bill-a-thon, our hard- hitting game review "It Ruined My Life", spontaneous protests against the Starburst/Opal Fruit controversy, cruel and vindictive technical support calls with the man from www.superkaylo.com , Memepool roundtable with guests Rupert Goodwins and ... um, some other people. And some other jokes. Show starts at 18.30GMT on Monday 16/3/98, but be sure to turn up early to guarantee a space. No, really. Free entry for those who turn up! http://www.ntk.net/live/ - this is where it'll be http://www.webshack-cafe.com/site/html/mapanim.html - and this is where it'll be >> TRACKING << they upload it, we upbraid it MACROMEDIA, as you know, employ only the most bi-polar of manic depressives in their efforts to preserve the mystique of their "50% genius, 50% idiocy" product range. After the loveliness of Dreamweaver, they're due for a stinker in FIREWORKS, the new Web-oriented GIF design package. Unfortunately, it's too early to tell from the Beta Developer Premiere Overview Version they've posted to their ftp site. So early, in fact, we'd recommend you wait for the next Preview Pre-Release Time-Limited Version, when at least some of the cooler features won't be so horrifically slow. To pass the time, you could check out the new Initial Release Free Trial Sampler of Paintshop Pro 5. PSP remains the Photoshop for urchins set, but now includes proper layers, masks 'n' proper selection lassoos, a weirdo Picture Tube feature that promises great GIF cliche possibilities, and a nifty animation utility. Plus the chunky interface is guaranteed to piss off any Kai "Trouser" Krause fans in your office. Bo-nus! http://www.macromedia.com/software/fireworks/ - no relation to the Netscape/Macromedia Fireworks thing http://ne2.news.com/News/Item/0,4,3069,00.html - which appears to have disappeared without trace http://www.jasc.com/psp5beta.html - the thinking man's Sausage Software You've probably already heard about this - a Director program that turns the .WAVs on your PC's hard drive into an ambient industrial racket. We'll mention it anyway. That's because RAIDER is actually a lot better than it sounds (literally!), and also because the author is moving into an office next to us soon, and if we keep on his good side maybe he won't turn into the "noisy neighbour" he has the terrifying potential to be. http://www.andyw.com/raider/ - Eno having a coronary in a sawmill, in slow motion >> MEMEPOOL << hasta la altavista Bawdy Bard Baud : www.zug.com/zug/scrawl/nudebard/ ... Y2K problem hits stonemasons - guess who pre-inscribed "19" onto all the gravestones? ... maintaining our editorial integrity, we can confidently announce WAVTV is *frightful*... 3COM register www.palmpc.com - teehee... appeals hearing in LOUISE WOODWARD hearing postponed due to *another* power-cut - what Satanic powers doth the witch possess?... www.x-stream.com/ ... first track on Air's "Moon Safari" - is it the SIM CITY music, or what?... "win your own pub" FOR ST PATRICK'S DAY: www.guinness.ie ... it is the next generation of the NEXT GENERATION mag site: http://xena.next-generation.com/jsmid/ ... www.greydirect.co.uk/start2.htm ... "TATOOINE Or Bust"... Robert "Begbie" Carlyle to play next BOND VILLAIN... www2.ecst.csuchico.edu/~atman/attention-fat-bastards.html ... MRS OSBERG - you're storing up trouble for yourself... http://www.spy.org.uk/ ... Following last week's worst URL, we passed on both www.bienplusrapidequunrouteur.3com.com & www.llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogog och.co.uk (obvious cheating), and settled on www.64slicesamericancheese.com (because it's British)... >> GEEK MEDIA << is the television off for any particular reason? TV >> better late than never for the return of FATHER TED (9.30pm, Fri, C4; also 9pm, Sun) - a bit like a sitcom spinoff of the movie The Butcher Boy, only without all them murders... see how much bouncier Flubber would have been without Robin Williams in the original THE ABSENT MINDED PROFESSOR (3.10pm, Sat, LWT only)... THE SHADOW (8.15pm, Sat, BBC1) is the comic book movie adaptation with the power to cloud men's minds; and also features Alec Baldwin, direction from Highlander hack Russell Mulcahy, and a theme tune by Jim Steinman... BBC1's entire month's allocation of sassiness is required to enforce hilarity when RUBY WAX MEETS: THE SPICE GIRLS (7.30pm, Sun, BBC1)... and why are those suspiciously British helicopters hovering over the otherwise convincing 'Nam nightmare of Kubrick's FULL METAL JACKET (10pm, Sun, C4)?... as described in TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH (8pm, Mon, C4), the Thylacine was actually a marsupial wolf, and not - as the Radio Times claims - "a kind of flesh-eating kangaroo"... WITNESS (9pm, Mon, C4) celebrates the eve of St Patrick's Day with accounts of Irish women institutionalised for sexual impropriety, narrated by Ballykissangel cleric-bait Dervla Kirwan... Who loves you? And who do you love? Arnie's back again in proto-Gladiators romp THE RUNNING MAN (9pm, Mon, C5)... you can't often go wrong with a Bill Murray movie, and he even co-directed meandering heist spoof QUICK CHANGE (10pm, Tue, C4)... Julian Clary apologises for a lifetime of useless material in FIRST ON FOUR (10pm, Wed, C4), including his famous "fisting" gag... and maybe they should transplant this week's "entertaining geneticists" DNA into all the other guests coming up on HORIZON (9.30pm, Thu, BBC2)... FILM >> a week of interesting ideas, all marred by imperfections: even Helen "Twister" Hunt, Jack "Batman" Nicholson and Greg "Talk Soup" Kinnear can't improve the cruel-yet-schmaltzy script in multi-Oscar nominated AS GOOD AS IT GETS (imdb: comedy / scar / waitress / sickness / relationship / mother-daughter / mental-illness / writing / homophobia / quirks / dog / lap-dog / single-parent / painter / drawing / misanthrope / racism / shrink / callboy / gay / love) And yeah, what kind of poster tagline is "Brace Yourself For Melvin"?... slight over-smugness is the capital crime of Hoffman/ De Niro spin-doctor spoof WAG THE DOG (imdb: satire / scandal / plane-crash / comedy / political) - disappointingly, it's not about a dog called "Wag" (then they could do a sequel called "Socks The Cat"), but more like a US version of Yes Minister... Denzel Washington's FALLEN (imdb: action / thriller / mystery / twist-in-the-end / drama / horror) also has John Goodman from Roseanne, and is a stylish extended X Files about a body-swapping murder-demon, largely spoiled by the fact that at no point does any character turn to the camera to say: "EXCELLENT! This new Earth-body... PLEASES ME!"... MAGS >> the latest SATELLITE TIMES (Xena on the cover) includes an effusive apology to the Christian Channel, yet no specific reasons why - NTK spies reveal: it's because last month they listed CC programmes under the heading "Satanic Black Masses For Lord Beelzebub"... among the questions that currently tax science's greatest minds: which is worse - TOMORROW'S WORLD MAGAZINE or COMPUTER ACTIVE? Please write to letters@computeractive.co.uk and point out any (of its many) errors you can spot, while TWM is *so dull* your eyes literally fall off the page... in the graphics pipeline: EMAP's youth-oriented ents mag (aka Project J) to be headed by ex Sky-ed David Hepworth; IDG may be planning up to 3 new games titles; and Future Publishing's pop-sci nonsense FRONTIERS (due 26/03/98) promises a "free-to-enter MENSA IQ test" - what, they mean "an ad"?... if you didn't already buy the last-ever SPY, it harbours a supercool science gossip column called A Hot Month Under The Lab Coat (p20)... current issue of "Spectrum And Emulators" zine THE ZX FILES (about UKP2, from paulwhite@thezxfiles.demon.co.uk) contains authentically badly written reports on Russian Spectrum clones, plus astonishing revelations about the Z80 versions of Dune 2 and Doom... yeah, we know, Websites don't really count, but EON ( www.eonmagazine.com ) comes from the folks who did the original Sci-Fi Universe mag (still light-years ahead of anyone else); it's now backed by ID4 producer Dean Devlin, and still features SFU sci-fi agony aunt Deep Space Nina... sticking online, POPGOB ( www.begbie.com/popgob/ ) is a refreshingly offensive Brit music humour mag - with a slightly odd page where "Philippa Forester off of Tomorrow's World" reviews the latest singles, and implying a rather different rumour to the one that we'd heard... >> UNSOLICITED ADVERTISING << like we were going to say no "NASTY BAD-NATURED COMPANY making good money out of things that are always already broken require new person[s] to work on some unsullied topper things. Platform agnostic software and graphic designers should apply now for the chance to work in London's most powerful corner shop. Become one of mutleymedia's chosen people and inherit the dirt." - jobs@tui.co.uk Want to advertise in NTK? Want to risk us humiliating your company with subsequent smarmy comment? Contact sellingout@spesh.com for details and "rate card". >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. It is registered at the Post Office as "part of the Corley conspiracy". NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Excuses - http://www.spesh.com/ntk/ Unsubscribe? Mail majordomo@unfortu.net with 'unsubscribe ntknow'. Subscribe? Mail majordomo@unfortu.net with 'subscribe ntknow'. 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