_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the UK>
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|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/ o http://www.ntk.net/ "If there were no profit to be made from dealing in software,
then it would not be as attractive to criminals"
- Microsoft's anti-piracy manager, DAVID GREGORY
...legal counsel advises me to rephrase that
>> HARD NEWS <<
Prosecutors claiming enough evidence to broaden their
enquiry, demands for a video deposition, long denials of
wrongdoing that no-one believes, your number two preparing
to take the mantle of President... and even if the DOJ
aren't quite pouring over Gates' corduroys for
clues yet, CALDERA have managed to get the next best thing,
with a court order demanding the release of the Windows 95
source to the pro-Open Software company. Sadly, they're only
allowed to use it to demonstrate that their DOS clone
could have been used instead of MS-DOS on Windows 95
machines. And they're not going to get it all, Microsoft
say. Only the bits without the GNU licensed code in it, we
- there's got to be a Bill Sux joke here somewhere
- wouldn't it just be crazy if the two videos got mixed up?
The Net, said Jonathan (not the) Miller in this weeks' GUARDIAN,
is "a seething mass of fraud and disinformation", where "it is
more important to be cool than true". This is, as far as we
could work out from his article, because it lacks all the
"traditional checking and sourcing" of the proper media.
Thank God, then, for the professional journalist. Among the
hard-hitting news stories, carefully examined for veracity
and then lovingly reprinted in the infinitely more
trustworthy national press, was the BILL SUX fake Pentium
chip graffito (hey, it was in Time, wasn't it? It wasn't?),
the crashed-saucer technology TRANSFER CAPACITOR ("It's
either the smartest publicity in the history of computers or
the most shocking revelation in the history of UFOs. Or
both.", mulls TIMES INTERFACE's special correspondent, URI
GELLER), Altavista.com selling its URL for $3.5 million
(deal not actually signed yet), Charles Shaar Murray's
CONNECTED opinion piece on the idiots who buy wide-screen
TVs (don't those sideways-stretched faces get annoying, he
asks, without mentioning that you can turn them off). And -
just by coincidence - almost every story that Miller cited
as being the fault of the Net. Still, we're sure they'll all
be running corrections in due course, eh, gang?
- of course, now it's on the Web, it's instantly discredited
- anyone remember the picture of Paula Abdul in that Mac?
- imagine what's scrawled over these chips
We're not sure how we'd test the "we don't do people over"
claim over at the new MI5's site. The protestations of
openness seem a little belied by encoding everything in PDF
format (security through obscurity if ever we saw it), and
they don't seem half as broadminded as those nice fellows at
the ROYAL ULSTER CONSTABULARY, who have not only have a
bigger Website, but patched in a bunch of their Belfast
surveillance cameras, too. The irony is, though, that both
these secretive organisation are now more visible than the
Mark Dz's anti-surveillance site, www.spy.org.uk. Due to a
intriguing polical decision by Cyber Patrol, users of the
filtered software can now spy on Ulster, but can't read
about why they shouldn't.
- nice short URLs tho
- Children's Ulster Constabulary, meet the Kid's CIA Homepage
- now buy the T-shirt, fly to Ulster, and sue
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS "Internet" category out of date before
going to press... CORAL's site at http://126.96.36.199/
soffering 4/1 odds for France to win the World Cup... "Nader
to Gates: You're too rich"... Investors like portals,
Computerworld study uncovers... BRAVO to try again after
strange unpopularity of Messy Absentee Disinterested Girl
Cam... "Death Of Music" Greatly Exaggerated, confides
DOTMUSIC... DAWSON'S CREEK voted "least family-friendly"
show by http://www.parentstv.org/ ... despite the suffering
his films inflicted on humanity, "Man can't sue Jim
Belushi", reports JAM MOVIES... IBM release "Rapid Access
Keyboard", which promises to "speed access to the Internet"
- also speeds their access to your 325UKP... TERRASERVER
blocks access from Iraq, Cuba, North Korea, and crowds of
more than three schoolchildren at a time... Microsoft
patents music... AQUA upset by widespread piracy of their
album clearly they need money to fight MATTEL lawsuit... and
what's happening at http://www.futurenet.co.uk/ - and why is
it pointing to http://www.mformat.demon.co.uk/, in direct
breach of Demon's Acceptable Use Policy, section 29?
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
How low-level can *you* go?, asks Finland's biggest annual
demo party, ASSEMBLY '98, starting next Fri (from 2pm,
07/08/98) at the Helsinki Fair Centre - enticingly described
as "completely dark, except for hundreds of displays which
shed pulsating light into the hall". Compos are for 4K/ 64K
intros, PC, Amiga, C64, Java, Wild, plus "outdoor", and
(without wanting to sound too much like the Eurovision song
contest) UK hopes are pinned on former Amiga winners nERVE ^
aXIS. Ticket price is 240 FIM (around UKP 27), with "no one
day tickets, nor reductions for girls, space aliens or rock
stars", to which cynics may add "- each equally likely to
- "damages caused by visitors will be REDUCED from the prizes"
- if only they had a "swearing" compo...
Oh, and there's another double helping of Radio 4's "brand
new panel game about stuff", KING STUPID, this time on
Monday 03/08/98, 7.30pm at Broadcasting House Radio
Theatre, Portland Place, London W1. Contestants remain
Peter "Fist Of Fun" Baynham, Sue "Light Lunch" Perkins,
Simon "Faith In The Future" Pegg, and Dave "NTK" Green
(maybe not as conventionally amusing as the other three, but
I did win the second round last time; yes, be impressed.)
For tickets, mail email@example.com with the
subject line "I laugh at re-takes, they get funnier every
Meanwhile, many miles away from our clumsy attempts at a
personality cult, THE LAND IS OURS is organising a Mass
Tresspass somewhere near Brighton. Meet at Brighton Station
at noon on 2/8/98; curious police officers should call 01237
685913 for less details. Tea, dinner and breakfast supplied
by the Anarchist Teapot Action Kitchen; take food to share,
sunscreen, footballs, kites, water, kids - "but no dogs".
Alternatively, underemployed Gen-Xers may rather listen to
Nigel Plaskitt, better known off screen as HARTLEY HARE,
who will be speaking of his work on Pipkins at the Dudley
Museum and Art Gallery, Dudley, near Birmingham on Saturday
1/8/98. The . . . . . . time? 1430BST. More details from
the Museum on 01384 815575.
- now that's a *class* act
http://www.msunion.org/tlio/ The Homepage Is Outdated
>> TRACKING <<
mostly significant bits
It's been a contentious time in the Quake Movie community
recently, what with the poor box office of THE TOILET
TRAGEDY, and the unexpected critical panning of HOMOSEXUAL
FILM REVIEWERS ("I was appalled... Every single line in the
movie seemed to centre around us being gay" - Psyck's
Popcorn Jungle, "We know that the 'film' Homosexual Film
Reviewers was born from your gay sexual frustration with
your brother" - Q-Corpse). Next week, however, all critics'
lips will be pursed, every filmmakers' gaze turned toward
CLAN PHANTASM, producers of this Summer's blockbuster,
DEVIL'S COVENANT. Preview screenings were not available at
time of going to press, but Devil's Covenant surely
promises a revolution in Quake Movieland, if only because
the q-flick checks in at an astounding *130* minutes
duration. Could it be the "Birth of a Nation" of this
youthful medium? Perhaps - although expect more gibbing.
- and a lot more "Hyurrgh"
- from the earliest days to Blahbalicious
- the British are coming!
>> MEMEPOOL <<
hasta la altavista
aint-it-cool goes aint-it-slashdot ... viva DOOM 2000...
http://www.macosrumors.com/images/PCad.jpg ... Corrie at
0.05fps http://ds.dial.pipex.com/town/plaza/ec91/ ...
Netscape Netcenter suggest you use same password as your
bank account - nice *TRY*, Andreessen... "I'm a haemophiliac
of the bleeding edge"... http://www.bittersweets.org/ ...
"Things I learnt from..." every film you've ever seen:
http://gpgod.home.mindspring.com/things.html ... 001 888 573
8255... archival intermemory... unusual repurposing of
content at http://www.jewsforjesus.org/anim/southprk.gif ...
preserving Speccie games by copying the tapes to Minidisc...
www.pithemovie.com vs www.piethemovie.com... try Babelfish on
http://sonymusic.de/Music/Columbia/Artists2/spacecurls/story.htm >> GEEK MEDIA <<
may contain strongly-typed language
FILM>> cute cast, rocking soundtrack, plus a barely coherent
showcase for loads of unrelated Brit f/x houses - so of
course, it's the plot that gets LOST IN SPACE (imdb: action
/ sci-fi / thriller / spacecraft / insect / family /
dysfunctional-family / robot / time-travel / sabotage /
space / based-on-tv-series / space-travel / future /
futuristic)... unusual recommendation of the week (despite
appalling trailer): THE CASTLE (imdb: Australian), made by
the folks behind Paramount's god-like ultra-dark
Drop-The-Dead-Donkey-alike, Frontline... "Eddie Murphy is a
physician who talks to the animals. Hopefully they are
funnier than he is." warned The Stinkers
<http://www.thestinkers.com/1998.html> of DR DOLITTLE (imdb:
children's / doctor / san-francisco / family /
talking-animal / orangutans / guinea-pig / pigeons /
bathroom-humor / flatulence / father-son / animals /
father-daughter / based-on-novel / monkey / comedy / dog /
tigers / owls), with Brady Bunch/ Private Parts director
Betty Thomas guilty of serious malpractice (see also
TV>> Errata! While NTK (and all other listings mags)
genuinely believed it was the Arnie movie called THE
RUNNING MAN showing last Sun, it was in fact "the
slightly less futuristic 1960s crime thriller by the same
name, complete with astonishingly tacky titles
featuring a shadow mincing around" (subscriber Martin
Frost)... NTK regrets the error, though not as much as
the appearance in some satellite listings of "Need To Know:
Exploring how technology can be fun" as part of the
new line-up for Sky's [.tv] relaunched computer
channel. In fact, our "Adam & Joe vs Bob Cringely
Newsnight" concept chat-show is called 404 NOT FOUND (7pm,
Thu, Astra transponder 58, 10.847GHz Vertical) -
webcasts coming soon... be ready for sci-fi B-movies
tonight, with Dan Aykroyd's CONEHEADS (9pm, Fri, BBC2),
James Earl Jones hosting a weird double bill remake of THE
TWILIGHT ZONE: ROD SERLING'S LOST CLASSICS (11.15pm,
Fri, BBC2), Roger Corman's MST3K fodder IT
CONQUERED THE WORLD (1.05am, Fri, BBC1), and the truly
terrible "Sandkings" first-ever remake of THE OUTER
LIMITS (12.45am, Fri, BBC2)... Sat is even better with
ROBIN COOK'S FORMULA FOR DEATH (9pm, Sat, BBC1) -
possibly the best title of the month, even if it is the
"Coma" author, not the foreign secretary... we did the
"McCandless" joke last time they scheduled
FREEJACK (1050pm, Sat, BBC1) back in April... plus Gene
Roddenberry's post-apocalyptic GENESIS II (12.35am, Sat,
BBC1)... oh, and "one of the best films of the '80s",
apparently: De Niro/ Scorsese's RAGING BULL (11.10pm,
Sat, BBC2)... who'd win in a fight between that Sling Blade
guy, Gilbert Grape, and Raymond Babbitt from RAIN MAN
(9.50pm, Sun, BBC1) - especially if they could borrow
Jack Nicholson's axe from THE SHINING (10pm, Sun,
C4)?... EQUINOX (9pm, Tue, C4) tries to generate some
excitement from "laser death rays", while Christian Slater
uses more conventional techniques to pick off the
HEATHERS (10pm, Tue, C4), part of C4's new "Vile
Teens" season - what next, Pump Up The Volume?... the
A-Team's Amy Allen is one of the few reasons to watch lame
John Candy Western spoof WAGONS EAST (10pm, Wed,
BBC1)... and Jon Ronson's vague Edinburgh tie-in
CRITICAL CONDITION (11pm, Wed, C4) sees Financial Times
journo and (we think) NTK subscriber Ian Shuttleworth trying
his hand at stand-up comedy...
CONFECTION CORNER>> seems the print media picked up on the
"Be My Icon/ Page Me/ Fax Me/ Email Me" versions of LOVE
HEARTS only after they'd been in distribution for 8 weeks or
so. Sources (including the startlingly desgined
http://www.swizzels-matlow.com ) also confirm that the
hundreds of slogans on the popular "compressed powder
sweets" do not yet include "www.cupid" (as was widely
reported), possibly to avoid embarrassing redirections to,
say, http://cupid.net ... this month's genuine new brands: a
5-finger variant of KIT KAT (previously thought indigenous
only to vending machines in swimming pools), and JOOSTERS,
the violently flavoured Jelly Bean-battlers from the makers
of Opal Fruit^N^N^N^N^N Starbursts - we think we'll continue
getting our fruity chews from POLO GUMMIES... and finally,
subscriber TONY BLEWS draws attention to the packets of
SKITTLES ice lolly snacks, which proudly proclaim "Skittles
- Fun Up!". "I doubt very much that they are fun up most
orifices", worries Tony, though obviously that depends on
just how hot your workplace gets...
>> LEGAL NOTE <<
The Jonathan Miller mentioned in NTK's Hard News item is a
respected journalist. No slur on his good name was intended
in the aforementioned piece, and should not be read into our
comments on the content of his article. NTK unreservedly
apologises for any offence the item may have caused to him,
or his family, and hopes that by mentioning this in advance,
he won't threaten to sue us, like what he did last time we
wrote about him. And we're not being sarcastic or anything.
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
It is registered at the Post Office as "con vibrato".
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
Archive - http://www.ntk.net/
Excuses - http://www.spesh.com/ntk/
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