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  • NTK 2007
  • NTK 2006
  • NTK 2005
  • NTK 2004
  • NTK 2003
  • NTK 2002
  • NTK 2001
  • NTK 2000
  • 31/12/99
    #127
    Backspace deleted, Icke vs Illuminati, Quiz Apocalypse '99
  • 24/12/99
    #126
    Unusually resentful Newtonmas edition
  • 17/12/99
    #125
    Tomb Raider - The Worst Revelation, Saving "Crazynet", Party like it's 2600
  • 10/12/99
    #124
    BT "Lollipop" licked, Dreamcast porn, ICA ice-cream
  • 03/12/99
    #123
    agency.com go "public", NSI return to form, retro round-up
  • 26/11/99
    #122
    Sinclair "mare", Reclaim the First Class Carriage, HARRIXOS!
  • 19/11/99
    #121
    Early Edition
  • 12/11/99
    #120
    Bill's new friends, countdown to Napster lawsuits, mondo retro
  • 05/11/99
    #119
    into the valley of death rode the 0800, penny for the GIF, out of Clinky
  • 29/10/99
    #118
    CSS Hissing, 0800 YAH-RIGHT, Neal S exported
  • 22/10/99
    #117
    Stray Ducks, Eggs, Marbles and Mutts
  • 15/10/99
    #116
    ICA hosts more than just fancy parties, give yourself over to the "dark" break
  • 08/10/99
    #115
    NCIS pushes "made-up drug", ritualistic Apple-bashing, and all new NTK live
  • 01/10/99
    #114
    Grey day steals idea of "grey days", quantum uncertainty, Gibson on the streets
  • 24/09/99
    #113
    Scrambling spooks, Aussie proxies, and nothing but the Knuth
  • 17/09/99
    #112
    Nethead is Deadhead, Elite Final Conflict, text browser wars
  • 10/09/99
    #111
    Getting medieval on your math, Space 1999 - '99
  • 03/09/99
    #110
    Hotmail hot water, Matthew Smith found alive, celebrity wrangling
  • 27/08/99
    #109
    Open Scores, the "." in L. Ron, and Mad Magazine
  • 20/08/99
    #108
    God hates Demon, everyone loves the QL, Russian Roulette goes edible
  • 13/08/99
    #107
    Red Hat rising, Martlesham woes, DNS the Secondary
  • 06/08/99
    #106
    Info drought, ancient arcades, and Edinburgh
  • 30/07/99
    #105
    Bloody hell it's ADSL, pan-European Adams-Pratchett wars, K&R warez
  • 23/07/99
    #104
    Nic nic, Freebieserve, Amiga non Amigo
  • 16/07/99
    #103
    DefCon, Moon shots, more D&D than usual
  • 09/07/99
    #102
    Local loopy nuts are we, CU (Amiga) in court, Phantom Menace non-special
  • 02/07/99
    #101
    The gong shows, Virtual depravity, Fear of a Black Hat
  • 25/06/99
    #100
    Special anniversary DTI moan, Sarcastic Bastard of The Year, rubber band massacres
  • 18/06/99
    #99
    You got an 'ology, BSA busted, Space 1999 '99
  • 11/06/99
    #98
    ADSL RSN, Microsoft is wormfood, and sweaty Palms
  • 04/06/99
    #97
    Last year's bits, everyone quits, The FAST Show
  • 28/05/99
    #96
    BT going free?, Kevin Mitnick isn't, Atari Teenage Riot Tryout
  • 21/05/99
    #95
    Russian ruling roulette, whinnying Winn Schwartau, ASCII Star Wars
  • 14/05/99
    #94
    Not-so secret agents, mystery Falco, IP on the radio
  • 07/05/99
    #93
    Clive's Linux, Live Linux, Jive The Phantom Menace
  • 30/04/99
    #92
    Acorn dead again, "Susan" "Blackmore", and more anon
  • 23/04/99
    #91
    anon, gratis and unconventional
  • 16/04/99
    #90
    Crypto Careers, Krause Carouses, Clubbing for Kosovo
  • 09/04/99
    #89
    General public licence to kill, dirty ISPs, and Star Wars lego, hoorah
  • 02/04/99
    #88
    April Fools, Norton Futilities, and Hairy PalmPilots
  • 26/03/99
    #87
    AOL Churls, "Be" jwz, Dumb IE5 tricks
  • 19/03/99
    #86
    Open Mac, Email Alack, Stallman's back!
  • 12/03/99
    #85
    Putting the "ow" in Escrow, Krazy Kubrick Konspiracies!
  • 05/03/99
    #84
    Sat hack hoax, .com con, Virus The Musical
  • 26/02/99
    #83
    Damn it Janet, Amazin' planes, That cheatin' Heat
  • 19/02/99
    #82
    EU fools, sci-fi rules, it ain't COOL news
  • 12/02/99
    #81
    Spice Girls outsmart the EC, OTT anti-artist ranting, and the usual skeptic jokes
  • 05/02/99
    #80
    Demo wars, Superweeds and Hotmail to Pop
  • 29/01/99
    #79
    NCIS, N64 Emus, and roaming POP access
  • 22/01/99
    #78
    Freeserve again, NSI again, and Linux 2.2
  • 15/01/99
    #77
    Undercurrents, Element -snigger- 14, and ESR
  • 08/01/99
    #76
    Green apples, Nightmare at Milton Keynes, C64
  • NTK 1998
  • NTK 1997
  • WHOWAS
  • EVENT QUEUE
  • LYRICS DOT TCH!
  • OFF TRACKING
  • GEEK MEDIA
  • QUICKFIRE SUIT AND TIE-BREAKERS
  • SMALL PRINT

__   ______  _  __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
\ \ / /___ \| |/ / _ __   __1899-12-31_ o join! mail an empty message to
 \ V /  __) | ' / | '_ \ / _ \ \ /\ / / o ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net
  | |  / __/| . \ | | | | (_) \ v  v /  o website (+ archive) lives at:
  |_| |_____|_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/   o     http://www.ntk.net/

        [ Everything is proceeding to plan. Lee and Dave are in the
        mini-sub preparing to take out the Thames Flood Barrier at
        full tide. I am in Mountain View, hurrying around MAE-WEST
        with a fast-depleting knapsack of Semtex hanging jauntily
        from my shoulder. Across the world, Y2K consultants are
        beginning to feel the effects of the powerful time-release
        hallucinogen we secreted onto the pages of "COBOL for
        Dummies" back in 1997. These last few days have left little
        time for love, laughter or editorial conferences, so we hope
        you'll make do with this seasonal quiz based on the last
        years' events. We hope it will take your mind off the the
        sounds of the angry peasant mobs milling outside your
        offices. Answers next week: first correct entry after
        midnight gets two week's supply of Evian and six vials of the
        emergency vaccine. In Year Zero, suckers!
                                                           - Danny. ]


                                 >> WHOWAS <<
                           who said what about whom?

         Nowt but the usual bunch of millennial anti-news out there -
         DOME spoofed: http://www.dome2000.org.uk/ ... RAILTRACK hacked:
         http://www.ntk.net/doh/991231rail.gif ... just missed the boat:
         http://www.december31.co.uk ... and the BBC chose Christmas 
         Day to run what is arguably the lamest net article of all time:
    http://news2.thls.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/business/newsid_576000/576315.stm
         So, on with the quiz. Who said the following, and who (or what)
         might they have been referring to?

         "X is just like any ordinary rock star. He gets out of the
          plane and when he walks down the stairs he still doesn't
          know which country he is in."

         "Sentiment is against us. We need to smile at X while we
          pull the trigger."

         "spineless and cowardly... frankly a tosser"

         "Jeopardize the interests of our entire tribe [and] I will
          find a way to make you regret it. Watch your step."

         "Words that have recently caused trouble: 'intrepid', 
          'satirical'."

         "Not physically a Commodore 64, but ethically it's similar."

         "X will go to schools in the evenings for cheap access."

         "passwords for adult sites including jokes, porn, pussy, 
          beastiality and carmen electra, animal sex and sex stories 
          with tits, big tits and free porn simpsons and nasa starcraft 
          movies"

         "The most dangerous man in Britain today"

         "Smack you upside the head with a hockey stick"

         "A Rastafarian Stepin Fetchit on platform hoofs, crossed
          annoyingly with Butterfly McQueen"

         BONUS ROUND - and name the newspapers which:

            Reviewing the Public Enemy MP3 album, settled on:
            "Ease of use: 5/10 (couldn't get it to work)"

            Used "Bloody revenge of Internet nerds obsessed
            with Satan and Nazis" as a front page headline.

            Referred to both "SSL (Secure Locket Layer)" then, just 
            weeks later, "Wireless Application Protocol (WOP)".


                               >> EVENT QUEUE << 
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         And if you *really* can't face those traditional New Year's Eve 
         activities (sitting alone at home, weeping, masturbating etc), 
         fortunately there are a couple of mildly diverting alternatives. 
         London cyber-nexus BACKSPACE is, finally, being deleted with an 
         apocalyptic "party to end all parties" down at their old 
         Winchester Wharf address, with hints that some of their operations 
         will be moving to - you've guessed it - The Foundry (ICA servers 
         all "busy" again, we assume?). And, in the most exotic world-end 
         scenario since the SubGenius goof-off, DAVID ICKE is inviting 
         his followers to focus positive mental energy upon the pyramids of 
         Giza, to prevent the creation of a fourth-dimensional portal by a 
         cabal of reptile-hybrid Illuminati, led by Jean Michel Jarre, 
         George Bush, and The Queen. 
         http://www.davidicke.com/icke/articles/illrituals.html
         - also implicates Canary Wharf, The Dome, The Daily Telegraph...
         http://bak.spc.org/
                  - on the plus side, are ColdCut getting kicked out too?
         http://www.suck.com/daily/99/12/13/?tw=ed19991218
               - in case you missed it. "Masturbating furiously", indeed.


                               >> LYRICS DOT TCH! <<
      name the NTK-featured song, the singer - and a suitable punishment

         "It's been hours, seems like days/ since you went away,
          And all I do is check the screen/ to see if you're ok"

         "You're going to get your interface kicked in"

         "I live alone/ I have home, car"

         "[unintelligible] to beat / how 'bout the most complete 
          Internet products available?
          Traffic variations for large populations 
          you're meeting demand - you're being scalable"

         "Kill him Mr Lucas, I implore you!"

         "We bought it to help with your homework, 
          and the household accounts,
          if your dad ever works it all out"

         "I have a dream, and it's called a cross-bar switch,
          What will this mean is no big data glitch"

         "Move your hips in a gyrating circle, 
          got to get deep like my main man Urkel"

         "Bake for the future!" (translated from the German)


                            >> OFF TRACKING <<
                    at what URL can you find the following?

         A Pentium Keychain?

         A Butt Hinge?

         A CTRL-ALT-DEL footpedal?

         PalmPilotPorn?

         A Furby Hooker?

         A new, 2.4 GW nuclear power plant (price on application)?

         A Photon Push-Pull Radiation Detector for Use In Chromatically
           Selective Cat Flap Control and 1000 Megaton Earth-Orbital
           Peace-Keeping Bomb?

         A Lara Croft poster composed entirely of pornographic thumbnails?


                               >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                 the (marginally) less despairing www.tvgohome.com

         NORMAL TV>> ever optimistic, the BBC devotes 28 hours to non-stop 
         coverage of global festivities in 2000 TODAY (from 9.15am, Fri, 
         BBC1), which should produce some interesting variations in tone if 
         there really are any major assassinations, terrorist outrages, 
         nuclear stockpile detonations etc... more promisingly, there's 
         SUPERMAN II (3.05pm, Fri, ITV) plus, still the best VR, video game 
         (and hacking?) movie ever made, ageless CGI classic TRON (5.30pm, 
         Fri, BBC2)... while GRAHAM NORTON (11.15pm, Fri, C4) seems to have 
         complied with our suggestion to stop faking net prank calls, and 
         last week even ran the "Argos dog penis" meme, as featured in NTK 
         1999-12-10... ITV settles for a Woody Allen Millennium (or 
         "Allennium", if you will) with consecutive showings of ANNIE HALL 
         (1.05am, Fri, ITV) and MANHATTAN (10.45pm, Sat, ITV)... Tron 
         villain Dillinger rezzes up again in big-budget remake CINDERELLA 
         (5.55pm, Sat, C4)... and bizarre rescheduling now results in THE 
         ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY (11.40pm, Sat, BBC2) introducing graphic 
         Twin Peaks prequel FIRE WALK WITH ME (11.45pm, Sat, BBC2)... THE 
         TIME MACHINE, the BATTLESTAR GALACTICA pilot and STAR TREK II: THE 
         WRATH OF KHAN comprise an epic sci-fi triple bill (from 3.30pm, 
         Sun, BBC2)... they'll have their work cut out to make the 4-hour 
         adaptation of LONGITUDE (9pm, Sun, C4) any duller than the lame 
         pop-sci book, but they're sure to try... some sort of unofficial 
         shit sci-fi strand (12.30ish, Mon-Fri, C4) includes suspenselss 
         "Village" sequel CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED (Thu) and "Holidays Are 
         Coming" inspiration MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (Wed).. plus: a different 
         kind of "coke" ad as TV producers at last get the chance to 
         investigate one of their favourite hobby-horses in tremendous 
         detail, via C4's ongoing season on COCAINE (from 9pm, Wed, C4)... 

         CODE REVIEW>> Inexplicably, every film on our list of The Top 10 
         Movies of 1999 - End Of Days, American Pie, Fight Club, The 
         Faculty, South Park, The Phantom Menace, Go, Deep Blue Sea, The 
         Matrix, Austin Powers 2 - *also* appears on our Top 10 *Worst* 
         Movies Of 1999, despite strong competition from genuine stinkers
         like The Blair Witch Project, Eyes Wide Shut, The Mummy, The
         Sixth Sense, You've Got Mail, Life Is Beautiful, a pirate video of
         Bill Shatner's Free Enterprise, and Dogma. So, to return to the 
         ongoing "Quiz" concept, which of 1999's movie releases matches 
         which category-based content summary?

                  IMDB: based-on-novel / controversial / cult-favorites /
                  detective / dominant-mother / rain / 
                  masturbation-scene / money / mother / birds / dead
                  / shower / house / murder / bathroom /
                  psychological / stolen-money / swamp / thief /
                  toilet / transvestitism ?

                  IMDB: hitwoman / insurance / interracial-love / liberals
                  / los-angeles / love / may-december-romance / /
                  politically-incorrect / / rap / satire / /
                  socialism / south-central / suicide / vulgarity /
                  afro-american / assassination-attempt /
                  assassination / black / california / controversial
                  / drug-dealer / gangs / hip-hop / hitman ?

                  IMDB: computer-fraud / twist-in-the- end / robbery /
                  skyscraper / technology / double-cross / computers
                  / laser / insurance / master-thief / new-year's-eve ?

                  IMDB: cannibalism / indian / reincarnation / windigo /
                  california / manifest-destiny / satire / scottish /
                  stew / westward-expansion / winter / cave /
                  chaplain / fort / frontier / historical / horses

                  http://www.capalert.com/capreports/: petty theft;
                  planning to defy father's wish; nude female
                  breasts; fondling of female breasts; portrayal of
                  beings having power of the weather; counterfeiting
                  of God's plan for the family hierarchy; public
                  urination

                  http://www.capalert.com/capreports/: repeated
                  public urination; rudeness to the elderly; leaving
                  a five year old boy in the care of two male
                  homosexuals; homosexual patting of genitals;
                  homosexual statues; a general licentious disregard
                  for that which is traditionally proper

         PARITY ON, DOOD (the non-compulsory "artistic impression" round)>>
         if you'd rather stay at work (or at home), we're assuming you've got
         a workstation handy. So why not put that free time to waste in the
         the following NTK DIY MUSIC CHALLENGE? Challenge no 1 is the more
         technically demanding of the two: using CoolEdit, or Sonic Foundry
         Acid, or Octamed or something, create an NTK "jingle" - using *only*
         the "Need To Know" phrases from other songs (eg: "Strong" by Robbie 
         Williams, "Never Ever" by All Saints, "If You Want My Love" by
         Jennifer Lopez, "How Deep Is Your Love" by The Bee Gees and, of
         course, "Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears). And stick the MP3 
         on a website somewhere rather than mailing us it, natch. The winner
         (subject to remixing) may well be used as the official "Theme from
         NTK" at any forthcoming public appearances. Challenge no 2 is 
         more immediately rewarding (plus you don't have to search so hard
         for the source material): host your own "crackaoke" party, using the
         ST3 format MIDI player http://members.aol.com/palleyne1/karfile.html
         (bottom of page) to modify the lyrics of existing MIDI karaoke 
         tracks (eg from http://midikaraoke.siteshop.net/karaoke/) into 
         hacker versions http://www.netspace.org/~dmacks/internet-songbook/ 
         (the "Homepage For Nothing" one looks particularly tempting). And, 
         while you're about it, let us know if there's a proper open source
         way of coding them up, though you've gotta love Star3's primitive
         Win3.1 functionality. We've done a few already to get you started:
         http://www.ntk.net/live/st3s.zip , featuring a halting version of
         "Write in C" (to the tune of Let It Be), Lamer Vs Kramer original
         "Warez Dood" (to the tune of Hey Jude), and, in tribute to Cliff
         Richard's pioneering combination of Auld Lang Syne and The Lord's 
         Prayer, our own attempt to reproduce the same powerfully
         emotive resonance for the '80s generation. Ladies and gentlemen,
         we leave you with: the lyrics to Adam Ant's "Stand And Deliver" - 
         sung over the "Theme From Friends"...


                     >> QUICKFIRE SUIT AND TIE-BREAKERS <<
         We got these from genuine interview questions at major Net
              companies. Answer them all - win a job!

     (for Unix users:)
     How do you do a for loop in awk?

     What's a christmas tree packet?

     What status response should be sent back by a HTTP/1.1 server to
     a HTTP/0.9 GET request?

     (for Windows users:)
     If you boot Windows NT and you're missing the TCPIP.SYS - what happens?

     If you remove the MAC address for your own machine from the
     Windows ARP cache - what happens?

     And if you're stupid enough to try out either of the above on
     your own machine, what should you have done first?


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
     Registered at the Post Office as "I said 'brutish' *above* puppet show!"
                   http://www.memepool.com/Subject/Internet/

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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  • WHOWAS
  • EVENT QUEUE
  • LYRICS DOT TCH!
  • OFF TRACKING
  • GEEK MEDIA
  • QUICKFIRE SUIT AND TIE-BREAKERS
  • SMALL PRINT