__ __ _2002-01-04 _ _____ _ __
| \/ (_)_ __ (_) \ | |_ _| |/ / o Join! mail an empty message to
| |\/| | | '_ \| | \| | | | | ' / o firstname.lastname@example.org
| | | | | | | | | |\ | | | | . \ o Website (+ archive) lives at:
|_| |_|_|_| |_|_|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\ o http://www.ntk.net/ "Some newsgroups are believed to be sponsored by Internet porn
barons, who seduce new clients with cybersex as they learn to
'crack' software. Once they have started down this path,
hackers face a very gloomy future..."
- ...Gloomy? Free warez *and* cybersex? Where do we sign?
>> MINI NEWS <<
it's all about *you*
Yup, normal service resumes next week but, until then, a
couple of clarifications on some of our wilder statements of
the past few weeks. First, last issue's DESIGN-YOUR-OWN-
STYLESHEET CONTEST does *not* mean that NTK will be going over
to a CSS-only format, as feared by reader PETE: "No, please
don't do it", he begged, "and screw all us fine folk who
browse with v3 tools such as OffByOne. CSS is the Devil's
work". "The evil of CSS spreads," agreed NICK DRAGE. "And
there was me hoping that the Interweb would adopt the NTK look
as standard". Rest assured, the default NTK front page will
maintain its browser-agnostic monospaced glory - but those
deviants who persist in complaining about it being "hard to
read" will now have the option of applying their own style
sheets so they can try and improve it themselves, as perhaps
even the most cursory glance at our sample URL would reveal:
Second, December's announcement of NTK'S 5TH BIRTHDAY BASH
(due in May) has led to unexpectedly feverish speculation -
not least on the http://www.everyonehatesattachments.com/
board, where suggestions have included a "TV detectives" fancy
dress party, and a "Logan's Run theme" ("Ahh, the fiery ritual
of carousel. Renew! Renew!"). What we actually had in mind was
more of a day-long conference-style event, like Access All
Areas used to be, but with probably more emphasis on hardware.
All we now need from you are suggestions on: speakers you'd
like to see (you are allowed to nominate yourself), activities
you'd like to participate in, and venues which you think might
tolerate this kind of behaviour. Currently we're torn between
the flashier conference venues (probably in London, sorry) and
the grittier down-to-earth ambience they have at Anarchist
Bookfairs (has anyone been to Charing Cross Road's "Open" Club
since 1999's "Expo Destructo"? What's that like nowadays?).
Mail us at email@example.com if you've got any ideas - and you
can always dress up as TV detectives or Logan's Run characters
afterwards, if you really feel the need to.
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
ads, Aussie-style: http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/04/dohhot1.gifhttp://www.ntk.net/2002/01/04/dohhot2.gif ... hmm, I'll pick
"Index of /_borders": http://www.lockpicks.co.uk/contents.htm
... "Phases I and II" - the securest hyperlinks of all time?:
http://www.nssg.gov/About_Us/about_us.htm ... "our internet
speed has been upgraded to 2 MHz" gibbers ORANGE cybercafe:
http://www.orangestudio.co.uk/prices/ ... "UKP8-10 per year"?:
... and let's see yer fancy DYSON vacuum cleaners do *that*:
http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/04/dohlipo.gif ... probabilistic
grave-locating skills of Senior Researcher at MICROSOFT:
don't appear to include "looking up where it is on the net":
http://www.bayesian.org/bayesian/bayes.html ... "cooming
soon": http://dotcomargentina.net/ , while company motto of
http://leesoft.net/ appears to be "we are making better"...
"NT enthusiasts" even rarer than previously thought:
http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/04/dohnt.gif ... and let us pray
that the bandwidth harvest does not fail again this year:
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
OK, here's a tough one. Of course, we're broadly in favour of
any initiative which encourages users to ditch AOL and venture
out onto the big wide internet. And that's the basic idea of
the X-AOL workshops (3-5pm, Sat 2002-01-26, downtown LA, free)
- the catch being that they're intended to help *artists*
start 2002 AOL-free, conflicting directly with NTK's own
ongoing campaign to "Keep Artists Off The Net". And if you're
a sensitive, creative artistic soul who hasn't yet realised
that there's something a bit odd about using AOL - then, by
definition, isn't AOL probably the best place for you?
- c'mon, help wean ordinary folks off "The Connie" as well
>> MEMEPOOL <<
ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/ BRIDGET JONES's bad language gets her into another hilarious
scrape: http://qwer.org/frickingoogleurls020104 ... can *you*
guess which particular Flash-design company it's based on?:
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/roncoweb/ ... http://cexx.org/hc/
vs http://www.panackove.cz/data/_subpct/handicap.mpg ...
industrial sex aids: http://www.chinavibrator.com/ vs
http://www.drjoelkaplan.com/electricpump2.html ... porn fishin':
if Charles abdicates: http://dccsa.com/greatjoy/whoisthe.htm ,
then who's next in line for that all-important ANTICHRIST
role?: http://maxpages.com/kingarthur ... and what would it be
like if Smirnoff made TV ads for CARLING BLACK LABEL?...
vs BILL THOMPSON: http://www.andfinally.com/images/coffee.jpg
... a-ha-ha-ha: http://www.w3schools.com/downloadwww.htm ...
it's the "G'gugvunts" and the "Vl'hurgs" all over again:
... well, at least they left a note - or was it a CRY FOR
HELP?: http://suicide-parasuicide.rumos.com/ ...
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
the doesn't-need-Flash http://qwer.org/tvsellout/ TV>> end of the decent holiday movie season is officially
heralded by model-helicopter assassination nonsense SHADOW
CONSPIRACY (11.15pm, Fri, BBC1), low-budget Cronenberg armpit
porn RABID (12midnight, Fri, C4), and C5's near-annual showing
of Russ Meyer's FASTER PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! (12midnight, Fri,
C5)... Sky1 shows Trek movies IV-VI (9pm, Fri-Sun, Sky1) as a
build-up to the UK debut of ENTERPRISE (8pm, Mon, Sky1) - does
the dialogue not refer to the shower scene so they could get
script approval from any surviving Rodenberrys?... C5's
Nicolas Cage Wig-Out-Scene season begins with BIRDY (10.55pm,
Sat, C5) and continues with Michael Bay's bioweapons bonanza
THE ROCK (9pm, Tue, C5)... Falklands War anniversary repeat
EXOCET (8.05pm, Sat, C4) isn't as good as the BBC's "Decisive
Weapons" one about the Sea Harrier... and Harry Knowles-
championed "Red Dwarf"-alike SPACE TRUCKERS (12.35am, Sat,
BBC1) is just as bad as that sounds... SEX LIFE (10pm, Sun,
BBC2) earth-shatteringly reveals people are having more sex
than ever before, despite evidence to the contrary in pompous
Arthurian epic EXCALIBUR (9pm, Sun, C5)... BIG TRAIN (9.30pm,
Mon, BBC2) gets another series, for no readily apparent
reason... it's "Jonathan on Jonathan" when Ronson reveals THE
DOUBLE LIFE OF JONATHAN KING (10pm, Mon, C4)... and almost
everyone except the bad guys are playing themselves in Howard
Stern biopic PRIVATE PARTS (11.20pm, Mon, C4)... Tue sees two
pugilistic glimpses behind-the-scenes, with Muhammad Ali docu
classic WHEN WE WERE KINGS (10.15pm, Tue, C4) and, more
puzzlingly, LION BATTLEFIELD (9pm, Tue, BBC2)... Thu is tough
for fans of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, with the haunting "The
Body" episode at 6.45pm on BBC2, and the mildly disappointing
season 6 resurrection at 8pm on Sky1... RAIDERS OF THE LOST
ARK (8pm, Thu, BBC1) shows "Lord Of The Rings" how it should
be done... while BBC2's ever-popular "Attachments" appears to
have been replaced by a surefire ratings-winner about genetic
diseases, BITTER INHERITANCE (9.50pm, Thu, BBC2)...
FILM>> goofy Owen Wilson is excellently miscast - or is he?
- in flawed-ending gung-ho Bosnian romp BEHIND ENEMY LINES
vulgar gesture; defiance of direct orders; reckless gunfire;
order to abandon serviceman to prevent risking peace effort;
battle brutality and coldness)... David "Twin Peaks" Lynch
serves up his usual overlong mix of baffling surrealism and
attractive unknowns in repurposed TV-pilot MULLHOLLAND DRIVE
[Naomi "Jet Girl" Watts] is brightly lit and offers several
good, lingering shots of her firm, perky breasts. In addition,
this cute blonde is actually a very good actress, both with
and without clothes. She makes the two and a half hours of
this David Lynch-directed nightmare bearable to watch)... or
Robert Redford takes on brutal prisoner governor Tony Soprano
in A-Team-style feelgood military cliche-fest THE LAST CASTLE
(http://www.capalert.com/capreports/lastcastle.htm : Finally,
a prison movie with no male nudity or homosexual rape)...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as
(plus, censorship fans, didn't this used to end with "Legs Broken"?)
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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