__ __ _2001-04-13 _ _____ _ __
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|_| |_|_|_| |_|_|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\ o http://www.ntk.net/ "You shouldn't be worried just about numbers for these kinds
of programmes. They bring in very upmarket, male audiences
that are very desirable to advertisers. The Hitler fixation
will serve television channels very well in the future."
- Nazi shows may lose ratings battle, explains Adam Smith, Zenith Media...
[ http://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/0,,66-112635,00.html ]
...but zey vill vin - ZE WAR!
>> HARD NEWS <<
The Easter story: it begins with death, despair, betrayal
and ends with - well, we never could fathom that last bit,
so let's stick with those well-worn topics for this week's
grep of regret. Noted financier Death made THE INDUSTRY
STANDARD EUROPE a market proposition it couldn't refuse, in
accordance with NTK - and, we admit, anyone with an ounce of
sense's - prophecy. Factoring in his previous WIRED UK
success, we extrapolate JOHN "tops out at 30,000" BATTELLE's
next foray into the British market may last as long as three
weeks. Or seven issues, whichever comes first.
- internal gossip sheet incisively parodies those long, unreadable articles
- it's always the Guardian that puts the boot in. And us.
DESPAIR for remaining BIGFOOT users, whose "free e-mail
forwarding for life" looks to have an expectancy of somewhat
less than five years. "Times have gotten tough for Internet
companies such as ours", the company weasels, and goes on to
say they're spreading that "tough" sensation by limiting
mail forwarding to 25 messages a day. And even then,
subscribers have to provide "demographic information"
before the forwarding restarts. Given that most people
receive about that much mail in "GREAT INKJET DEALS" alone,
you can understand that the company would introduce this
change gently. But, so far, as far as we can tell, they
haven't mailed users, or put the policy change on its
Website - they just stuck it in the autoresponder FAQ at
firstname.lastname@example.org. How stealthily desperate can you get?
- Website oddly stuck in 1996 too
Better postpone answering that until after the BETRAYAL
section. Not one, but two previous NTK picks - stealth
Napster-beater AUDIOGALAXY and Gnapster-sorter BEARSHARE -
have bartered away some of their coolness for a mess of
piggybacked spyware. Bearshare, which always carried OnFlow,
a doomed banner-ad plugin, now offers SaveNow!, a useless
online shopping helper app in its installation options.
Audiogalaxy more silently installs WEBHANCER, some
satanic instrument for measuring end-users' network speed.
The Audiogalaxy Linux client is unaffected, thank the good
Lord. We don't have massively strong opinions about these
scummy little apps, but we do feel a little implicated if
you found them on your machine. So if you haven't spotted
them already, it's probably time you had an easter-egg hunt.
We'd recommend Lavasoft's ADAWARE as a good way of deleting
them, but now we're stricken with doubt. What's *it*
installing behind our backs?
- nothing, according to Spychecker. But who's paying *them* off?
- ok, ok, lavasoft's legit
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
must be getting too old for this groovy EXTREME SPORTS lingo:
http://www.mountainbike.co.uk/reviews.html (features and news
equally informative)... "Welcome to **SITENAME**t" greets
http://dvddirect.safeserver.com/mainpage.php ... whois
fuckedcompany.co.uk - could it be CEO of GAMEPLAY?... HIGGS
"BOSUN" ahoy: http://www.ntk.net/2001/04/13/dohhiggs.jpg ...
BUSH petition breaks server: http://www.magnetbox.com/sorry/
... "Calm yourself", indeed - RADIO TIMES offers 28-foot TV:
... worst ever HELENA CHRISTIANSEN pics - with her plumber!:
http://www.hm.com/design/habib/showpic.asp ... 1000g of "HOT
PEANUS": http://www.foxitalia.com/arachidi_eng.html ... one
conversion where the C64's lack of greyscales won't be a
problem: http://www.ntk.net/2001/04/13/doh64.gif ... what does
HENSON want 'em for? http://www.jenerator.org/jimhenson.htm ...
http://PopMusicWorld.com launching "biggest and best Pop Music
Web Site in the World" around May/June 2000... a *lot* of BT
ADSL modems: http://www.cert.org/advisories/CA-2001-08.html
... http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/babytrade/ imitates
http://www.martian.fm/ebaby.htm , a good 3 months later...
despite appearances, not the output of a dialectizer CGI:
www.nicensus2001.gov.uk/censuslanguages/pdf/Census%202001%20UlsterScots.pdf >> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
"This week, we reflect upon the Crucifixion. How uncivilised
1st Century Palestine seems compared to our own society, with
its religious tolerance and No More Nails adhesive", writes
the current MARTIAN.FM newsletter (though no doubt they'll go
rubbish like all the others now that we've linked to them).
Anyway, we'd hoped to re-emphasise the "countryside open for
business" message this Easter weekend, though irritatingly
major anti-GM protest the HARBURY PICNIC has been cancelled
due to Foot and Mouth. Still, presumably there's less chance
of contamination at the LANGUAGE OF WATER CONFERENCE (from Tue
2001-04-17, in Bath, appropriately enough), which makes such
appealingly psychotic sounding claims as "At a time when we
are celebrating our discovery of the language of genes, we
need to appreciate that that language can only make sense in
the context of the Language of Water". For those of our
readers over on the North American subcontinent, that's the
same day as DIY geek movie night 20 SIDED DICE (8pm, Tue,
2001-04-17, "Art System", Toronto), featuring a screening of
Jim Munroe's "Interactive", a 7-minute meditation asking which
is better: text adventure gaming, or real life?
- INSTALL QUICKTIME; EXAMINE http://nomediakings.org/interactive.htmhttp://www.languageofwater.com/
- no joke here; just like saying "water: nature's polar solvent"
- GM trials being cancelled too; karmic balance maintained
- Captive bolt humane killers! Your country needs you!
>> MEMEPOOL <<
oogle that google
MODERN HUMORIST sells soul to MS, takes aim at obvious target:
http://www.officeclippy.com/ ... FOOT-N-MOUTH-scale viral PR
...twentythree.co.uk / Mark Thomas List ask: so no-one's offered
POPBITCH any free server space?... VIDEO TOASTER not far away:
... everyone chortling over JEDI CENSUS email, fails to notice
that UK data processing is being carried out by Dark Knights
Of The US Military Industrial Complex, LOCKHEED MARTIN... fun
bank holiday things to do: convert SGI from webserver to beer
server: http://home.planet.nl/~mourits/koelkast/ ... build
SOUTH AMERICAN ZX81: http://zx81.grok.co.uk/kitinfo.html -
arriba!... (experts only) construct MECHANICAL HIT COUNTER:
http://www.embeddedether.net/mhc.html ... enter CAPTION COMPO:
http://www.political.co.uk/annwiddecombe/gal.asp?ref=gal006.jpg&caption=oink! (mail your entries to us, not Anne Widdecombe)... find porn
"APRICOT": http://www.jump.org.uk/milky/apricot.jpg ... oh,
and have a good EASTER: http://www.a-h.net/~jon/Ei.jpg ...
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
get out less
TV>> Good Friday marks the demise of quality cinema in the
form of: SHORT CIRCUIT 2 (7pm, Fri, C5); an inexplicably late
showing for THE ADDAMS FAMILY (11pm, Fri, BBC1) - a film
largely intolerable to anyone over the age of 6; and Renee
Zellweger, Debi "Space Truckers" Mazar, and Liv "Armageddon"
Tyler in funnier-than-High-Fidelity-though-what-isn't? music
store riot EMPIRE RECORDS (1.15am, Fri, BBC2)... handily, this
segues seamlessly into a cross-channel Julia Roberts telethon,
featuring deranged Woody Allen musical EVERYONE SAYS I LOVE
YOU (10.50pm, Sat, BBC2), cod Oirish IRA period piece MICHAEL
COLLINS (10.55pm, Sat, ITV), giant eyebrow nightmare MYSTIC
PIZZA (10.50pm, Mon, C4) and Cameron Diaz abomination MY BEST
FRIEND'S WEDDING (8.40pm, Sun, C4)... the psychedelia episode
of SF:UK (12.35am, Sat, C4) is the first of two featuring Alan
Moore, and may (or may not) include the phrase "Bonnie fucking
Langford"... while Easter Sunday rounds off with some kick-ass
alternatives to Christianity with Hilary "Boys Don't Cry"
Swank in THE NEXT KARATE KID (5pm, Sun, C5), Jean-Claude Van
Damme's KICKBOXER (10pm, Sun, C5), and Clint Eastwood's
entertainingly hellish HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER (10.20pm, Sun,
BBC1)... things pick up on Mon with FLASH GORDON (12.10pm,
Mon, C4) and THE GREAT ESCAPE (1.55pm, Mon, ITV), then get
tangled in the barbed wire at the border with the Broderick
GODZILLA (8.45pm, Mon, BBC1) and Michael Lehmann's Janeane
Garofalo misfire THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS (9.30pm, Mon,
BBC2)... C4 perversely celebrates the fact that women in the
workplace are still underpaid and under-represented at board
level with BALL BREAKERS ON THE BOX (8.45pm, Mon, C4)...
modern DJing is so easy, argues FAKING IT (10pm, Tue, C4),
that even posh classical musicians can do it... expect the
usual Pagan complaints after resolutely one-sided wiccan
dismissal MAGIC - ART OF DARKNESS (9pm, Thu, BBC2)... while
the week's earlier themes - Roland "Godzilla" Emmerich, Jean-
Claude "Kickboxer" Van Damme - arise once more in bus-plunge
"Terminator" knock-off UNIVERSAL SOLDIER (9pm, Thu, C5)...
FILM>> the poster looks like Renee Zellweger's holding her
nose to avoid a nasty smell, but fortunately the film ditches
lots of the book's whinier elements for a rollicking US-
version of BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY (http://www.cndb.com: "Renee
shows a lot of cleavage, but that's it [...] she beefed up for
the role [...] her breasts look a lot bigger, like she was a B
cup instead of an A cup"). Oh, and Sally Phillips is in it:
intermittent stunt casting - George Clooney, Teri Hatcher,
Mike "Beavis and Butthead" Judge, Richard "Slacker" Linklater
- enlivens Robert "The Faculty" Rodriguez's gadget spectacular
SPY KIDS (http://www.screenit.com/movies/2001/spy_kids.html :
phrases: "Freak," "You little brat," "Meat head," "Booger
breath," "Diaper baby," "Oh shiitake mushrooms")... or there's
rubbish-by-even-teen-slasher-standards - but it has Denise
"Starship Troopers" and David "Angel" Boreanaz in it - horror
VALENTINE (http://screenit.com/movies/2001/valentine.html :
DANIEL COSGROVE plays [Jessica Capshaw's] friend/lover who
apparently fails at trying to have sex with her. He moves into
her home after sinking all his money into an Internet startup;
several [women] - most notably [Denise Richards] - wear tight-
fitting tank tops that accentuate their large breasts)...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as
"bringing Freenet to Theodore Hong's attention"
(O'Reilly's Peer-to-Peer: Harnessing Disruptive Technologies, p241)
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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