__ ______ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
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[ Everything is proceeding to plan. Lee and Dave are in the
mini-sub preparing to take out the Thames Flood Barrier at
full tide. I am in Mountain View, hurrying around MAE-WEST
with a fast-depleting knapsack of Semtex hanging jauntily
from my shoulder. Across the world, Y2K consultants are
beginning to feel the effects of the powerful time-release
hallucinogen we secreted onto the pages of "COBOL for
Dummies" back in 1997. These last few days have left little
time for love, laughter or editorial conferences, so we hope
you'll make do with this seasonal quiz based on the last
years' events. We hope it will take your mind off the the
sounds of the angry peasant mobs milling outside your
offices. Answers next week: first correct entry after
midnight gets two week's supply of Evian and six vials of the
emergency vaccine. In Year Zero, suckers!
- Danny. ]
>> WHOWAS <<
who said what about whom?
Nowt but the usual bunch of millennial anti-news out there -
DOME spoofed: http://www.dome2000.org.uk/ ... RAILTRACK hacked:
http://www.ntk.net/doh/991231rail.gif ... just missed the boat:
http://www.december31.co.uk ... and the BBC chose Christmas
Day to run what is arguably the lamest net article of all time:
So, on with the quiz. Who said the following, and who (or what)
might they have been referring to?
"X is just like any ordinary rock star. He gets out of the
plane and when he walks down the stairs he still doesn't
know which country he is in."
"Sentiment is against us. We need to smile at X while we
pull the trigger."
"spineless and cowardly... frankly a tosser"
"Jeopardize the interests of our entire tribe [and] I will
find a way to make you regret it. Watch your step."
"Words that have recently caused trouble: 'intrepid',
"Not physically a Commodore 64, but ethically it's similar."
"X will go to schools in the evenings for cheap access."
"passwords for adult sites including jokes, porn, pussy,
beastiality and carmen electra, animal sex and sex stories
with tits, big tits and free porn simpsons and nasa starcraft
"The most dangerous man in Britain today"
"Smack you upside the head with a hockey stick"
"A Rastafarian Stepin Fetchit on platform hoofs, crossed
annoyingly with Butterfly McQueen"
BONUS ROUND - and name the newspapers which:
Reviewing the Public Enemy MP3 album, settled on:
"Ease of use: 5/10 (couldn't get it to work)"
Used "Bloody revenge of Internet nerds obsessed
with Satan and Nazis" as a front page headline.
Referred to both "SSL (Secure Locket Layer)" then, just
weeks later, "Wireless Application Protocol (WOP)".
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
And if you *really* can't face those traditional New Year's Eve
activities (sitting alone at home, weeping, masturbating etc),
fortunately there are a couple of mildly diverting alternatives.
London cyber-nexus BACKSPACE is, finally, being deleted with an
apocalyptic "party to end all parties" down at their old
Winchester Wharf address, with hints that some of their operations
will be moving to - you've guessed it - The Foundry (ICA servers
all "busy" again, we assume?). And, in the most exotic world-end
scenario since the SubGenius goof-off, DAVID ICKE is inviting
his followers to focus positive mental energy upon the pyramids of
Giza, to prevent the creation of a fourth-dimensional portal by a
cabal of reptile-hybrid Illuminati, led by Jean Michel Jarre,
George Bush, and The Queen.
- also implicates Canary Wharf, The Dome, The Daily Telegraph...
- on the plus side, are ColdCut getting kicked out too?
- in case you missed it. "Masturbating furiously", indeed.
>> LYRICS DOT TCH! <<
name the NTK-featured song, the singer - and a suitable punishment
"It's been hours, seems like days/ since you went away,
And all I do is check the screen/ to see if you're ok"
"You're going to get your interface kicked in"
"I live alone/ I have home, car"
"[unintelligible] to beat / how 'bout the most complete
Internet products available?
Traffic variations for large populations
you're meeting demand - you're being scalable"
"Kill him Mr Lucas, I implore you!"
"We bought it to help with your homework,
and the household accounts,
if your dad ever works it all out"
"I have a dream, and it's called a cross-bar switch,
What will this mean is no big data glitch"
"Move your hips in a gyrating circle,
got to get deep like my main man Urkel"
"Bake for the future!" (translated from the German)
>> OFF TRACKING <<
at what URL can you find the following?
A Pentium Keychain?
A Butt Hinge?
A CTRL-ALT-DEL footpedal?
A Furby Hooker?
A new, 2.4 GW nuclear power plant (price on application)?
A Photon Push-Pull Radiation Detector for Use In Chromatically
Selective Cat Flap Control and 1000 Megaton Earth-Orbital
A Lara Croft poster composed entirely of pornographic thumbnails?
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
the (marginally) less despairing www.tvgohome.com NORMAL TV>> ever optimistic, the BBC devotes 28 hours to non-stop
coverage of global festivities in 2000 TODAY (from 9.15am, Fri,
BBC1), which should produce some interesting variations in tone if
there really are any major assassinations, terrorist outrages,
nuclear stockpile detonations etc... more promisingly, there's
SUPERMAN II (3.05pm, Fri, ITV) plus, still the best VR, video game
(and hacking?) movie ever made, ageless CGI classic TRON (5.30pm,
Fri, BBC2)... while GRAHAM NORTON (11.15pm, Fri, C4) seems to have
complied with our suggestion to stop faking net prank calls, and
last week even ran the "Argos dog penis" meme, as featured in NTK
1999-12-10... ITV settles for a Woody Allen Millennium (or
"Allennium", if you will) with consecutive showings of ANNIE HALL
(1.05am, Fri, ITV) and MANHATTAN (10.45pm, Sat, ITV)... Tron
villain Dillinger rezzes up again in big-budget remake CINDERELLA
(5.55pm, Sat, C4)... and bizarre rescheduling now results in THE
ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY (11.40pm, Sat, BBC2) introducing graphic
Twin Peaks prequel FIRE WALK WITH ME (11.45pm, Sat, BBC2)... THE
TIME MACHINE, the BATTLESTAR GALACTICA pilot and STAR TREK II: THE
WRATH OF KHAN comprise an epic sci-fi triple bill (from 3.30pm,
Sun, BBC2)... they'll have their work cut out to make the 4-hour
adaptation of LONGITUDE (9pm, Sun, C4) any duller than the lame
pop-sci book, but they're sure to try... some sort of unofficial
shit sci-fi strand (12.30ish, Mon-Fri, C4) includes suspenselss
"Village" sequel CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED (Thu) and "Holidays Are
Coming" inspiration MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (Wed).. plus: a different
kind of "coke" ad as TV producers at last get the chance to
investigate one of their favourite hobby-horses in tremendous
detail, via C4's ongoing season on COCAINE (from 9pm, Wed, C4)...
CODE REVIEW>> Inexplicably, every film on our list of The Top 10
Movies of 1999 - End Of Days, American Pie, Fight Club, The
Faculty, South Park, The Phantom Menace, Go, Deep Blue Sea, The
Matrix, Austin Powers 2 - *also* appears on our Top 10 *Worst*
Movies Of 1999, despite strong competition from genuine stinkers
like The Blair Witch Project, Eyes Wide Shut, The Mummy, The
Sixth Sense, You've Got Mail, Life Is Beautiful, a pirate video of
Bill Shatner's Free Enterprise, and Dogma. So, to return to the
ongoing "Quiz" concept, which of 1999's movie releases matches
which category-based content summary?
IMDB: based-on-novel / controversial / cult-favorites /
detective / dominant-mother / rain /
masturbation-scene / money / mother / birds / dead
/ shower / house / murder / bathroom /
psychological / stolen-money / swamp / thief /
toilet / transvestitism ?
IMDB: hitwoman / insurance / interracial-love / liberals
/ los-angeles / love / may-december-romance / /
politically-incorrect / / rap / satire / /
socialism / south-central / suicide / vulgarity /
afro-american / assassination-attempt /
assassination / black / california / controversial
/ drug-dealer / gangs / hip-hop / hitman ?
IMDB: computer-fraud / twist-in-the- end / robbery /
skyscraper / technology / double-cross / computers
/ laser / insurance / master-thief / new-year's-eve ?
IMDB: cannibalism / indian / reincarnation / windigo /
california / manifest-destiny / satire / scottish /
stew / westward-expansion / winter / cave /
chaplain / fort / frontier / historical / horses
http://www.capalert.com/capreports/: petty theft;
planning to defy father's wish; nude female
breasts; fondling of female breasts; portrayal of
beings having power of the weather; counterfeiting
of God's plan for the family hierarchy; public
public urination; rudeness to the elderly; leaving
a five year old boy in the care of two male
homosexuals; homosexual patting of genitals;
homosexual statues; a general licentious disregard
for that which is traditionally proper
PARITY ON, DOOD (the non-compulsory "artistic impression" round)>>
if you'd rather stay at work (or at home), we're assuming you've got
a workstation handy. So why not put that free time to waste in the
the following NTK DIY MUSIC CHALLENGE? Challenge no 1 is the more
technically demanding of the two: using CoolEdit, or Sonic Foundry
Acid, or Octamed or something, create an NTK "jingle" - using *only*
the "Need To Know" phrases from other songs (eg: "Strong" by Robbie
Williams, "Never Ever" by All Saints, "If You Want My Love" by
Jennifer Lopez, "How Deep Is Your Love" by The Bee Gees and, of
course, "Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears). And stick the MP3
on a website somewhere rather than mailing us it, natch. The winner
(subject to remixing) may well be used as the official "Theme from
NTK" at any forthcoming public appearances. Challenge no 2 is
more immediately rewarding (plus you don't have to search so hard
for the source material): host your own "crackaoke" party, using the
ST3 format MIDI player http://members.aol.com/palleyne1/karfile.html
(bottom of page) to modify the lyrics of existing MIDI karaoke
tracks (eg from http://midikaraoke.siteshop.net/karaoke/) into
hacker versions http://www.netspace.org/~dmacks/internet-songbook/
(the "Homepage For Nothing" one looks particularly tempting). And,
while you're about it, let us know if there's a proper open source
way of coding them up, though you've gotta love Star3's primitive
Win3.1 functionality. We've done a few already to get you started:
http://www.ntk.net/live/st3s.zip , featuring a halting version of
"Write in C" (to the tune of Let It Be), Lamer Vs Kramer original
"Warez Dood" (to the tune of Hey Jude), and, in tribute to Cliff
Richard's pioneering combination of Auld Lang Syne and The Lord's
Prayer, our own attempt to reproduce the same powerfully
emotive resonance for the '80s generation. Ladies and gentlemen,
we leave you with: the lyrics to Adam Ant's "Stand And Deliver" -
sung over the "Theme From Friends"...
>> QUICKFIRE SUIT AND TIE-BREAKERS <<
We got these from genuine interview questions at major Net
companies. Answer them all - win a job!
(for Unix users:)
How do you do a for loop in awk?
What's a christmas tree packet?
What status response should be sent back by a HTTP/1.1 server to
a HTTP/0.9 GET request?
(for Windows users:)
If you boot Windows NT and you're missing the TCPIP.SYS - what happens?
If you remove the MAC address for your own machine from the
Windows ARP cache - what happens?
And if you're stupid enough to try out either of the above on
your own machine, what should you have done first?
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as "I said 'brutish' *above* puppet show!"
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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