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vodka-snorting goofus, or face the wrath of NATO airstrikes
dropping 500-pound laser-guided bombs on your butt."
- C|NET experiments with a broader news agenda
http://www.gamecenter.com/Downloads/Mac/FrontDoor/0,37,0-17,2000.html >> HARD NEWS <<
it barely moves
Now, didn't we say all along that APPLE would make it? Steve
Jobs announced profits of $106 million on revenue of $1.6
billion (same as last year - shhh! shhh!) and revealed that
soon "You'll be able to get a new Mac for $99". Sweetly,
some Mac fans thought this was *really true*, rather than
the Jobsian way of suggesting that it was time to splash out
on yet another OS upgrade. We also enjoyed Apple's mailing
to the rhapsodic Macevangelists providing the exact times
of product placements in this week's TV and films, so that
the devout could set their VCRs. Everyone's happy. Except...
why did Jobs, apropos of nothing, insist at the press
conference, that "we still have our soul"? I mean, you don't
think that deal with Microsoft involved a third party?
- oh, smart thinking, Sherlock
- a Mac for 99p!
Deputy Prime Minister JOHN PRESCOTT is learning to route
around censorship. "The SNP were so ashamed of their policies
they deleted them from the Internet. I can tell Alex
Salmond [SNP leader] that in the interests of public
information we are going to put them back on", he told
the Labour Party conference. A brilliant scheme, with only a
few flaws. Like - wouldn't it have been sensible to
edit out the "(c) 1996 SNP" comments in the HTML *before*
copying it without permission? Also, if you do
give official sanction to this behaviour, might it be more
effective if the site you publicise is designed by
somebody who understands HTML? And should this kind of jape
really be encouraged by the same Labour party that
removed key crypto policy commitments from *their*
Website after reneging on them, back in June?
- lucky someone mirrored those too
- HTML by committee
- some hope of reading the dox here
- a degree of accountability
Maybe BT's just taunting the (presumably highly impatient)
ADSL target audience with its sluggish roll-out trials - as
the site is at pains to emphasise, it's not a test of
the technology, it's a test of the service (to establish
whether there's actually enough Internet out there for
people to download at 2Mbps, and just how much over the odds
people will pay for home access at a reasonable speed).
Or maybe the announcement, mysteriously postponed from last
week's TMA31 conference, was aimed to divert attention from
a local authority in Thurrock, Essex, reported to be
trialling their own DSL-style broadband services over
"Keylines", mid-priced BT-owned copper pairs intended for
(much slower) data applications. Other "broadbandits" are
keen to play down their promising results, fearing that BT
will clamp down on unofficial DSL experiments on their
lines, despite using BABT-approved kit - and because only BT
has an extensive old-fashioned copper network, they can't go
to other telcos 'cos they're too high in fibre...
- hey, you do the math
- is "Goodwins" one of those Extropian surnames, or what?
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
Hayes go NO CARRIER... can't launch a major brand without
breaking EGGS - http://www.ntk.net/doh/egg981012.gif ...
BBFA psychologists refuse CARMAGEDDON II certification,
after seeing a four-minute demo... THRESH wipes out plucky
British Quake champion Billox 56 to -1... US sex columnist
Dan Savage gets "a disproportionate amount of mail from
MICROSOFT employees complaining about impotence"... ZAP.COM
pulls out of everything... E-TRADER caused market crash by
leaning on keyboard... DEMON director sets up mail filters:
accidentally broadcasts inbox to entire department... THE
SUN launches anti-FURBY campaign, citing "They're UKP7 to
make, but UKP30 in shops" (no economies of scale printing a
newspaper, then?) plus "they only supply 350,000 so you have
to fight to get one" (self-restricted profiteering! uh-oh!)
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
What bookfair has a poster designed by self-proclaimed Clint
Eastwood body-double Clifford Harper, advertises itself with
"fuck Private Ryan" stickers, has a sex worker's "show and
tell" to start off and a huge party to finish? Some kind of
ANARCHIST BOOKFAIR, that's for sure. Now seventeen years old
- and acting like it - it's on tomorrow, Saturday 17/10/98,
from 1000 to 1900 at the irreproducible Conway Hall, Red
Lion Square, bloody London WC1. Fun-loving rebels or the
State - see who gets smashed first.
- Mr Branson does his bit
>> TRACKING <<
making good use of the things that we find
The new PERL JOURNAL has been out for three weeks now,
splashing its payload of Obfuscated Perl Contest entries
about like a Typhoid-infested floozy. As Europeans, we're
cheered that French and (quelle surprise) Finnish
contestants grabbed three out of the four awards, given
annually for code that's unreadable even by Perl's high
standards. The US managed to hold on to first place in the
"Most Powerful Code" section, with Clifford Adams'
implementation of two encryption systems - including RSA -
in just five lines. Ironically, by clawing some scrap of
dignity for the United States, Clifford and TPJ now lay
themselves open for prosecution by same as outlaw crypto
munitions-smugglers. Although we'd be amused to see the
prosecution try to prove that's what the code does.
- print version protected by the 1st amendment
- oh, but now it's Lisp, beating Python by a head...
>> MEMEPOOL <<
hasta la altavista
creator of SKY DIGITAL banner ad is NTK subscriber: have you
no sense of decency?... not quite sure what market
http://www.syphilis.com/ is aiming at... LEXICAL FREENET is
the new sixdegrees... DR SHUFFLEBRAINS will see you now:
http://www.indiana.edu/~pietsch/home.html ... world's first
objective mirror site: http://www.justhow.co.uk/ ... no,
fsck you! - http://lwn.net/1998/1015/a/f-word.html ...
Louis and Jane get a cool 10 million dollars each... game
over for your "Nick Hornby with computers" book pitch:
http://www.extralife.org/ ... new ATARI 3D GAUNTLET - shit?
... how it should be - http://www.classicgaming.com/stella/
... "Linus does not scale"... stop press: the ECONOMIST
gets to the bottom of Art Bell's "disappearance" :
http://www.economist.com/editorial/freeforall/current/index_us3986.html >> GEEK MEDIA <<
may contain strongly-typed language
TV>> face it, no matter how many repeats of BLACKADDER GOES
FORTH (9pm, Fri, BBC2) they churn out, it's never going to
make up for yet another series of lame impressions atrocity
STELLA STREET (11.15pm, Fri, BBC2). Director Peter
Richardson was the least funny one in The Comic Strip, by
the way, which is certainly saying something... not quite
the conceptual black and white ancient horror of the TV
original, but slightly better production values in the
Hammer remake of QUATERMASS AND THE PIT (1.15am, Fri, C4)...
also, in "Post Modern Prometheus", a Jerry Springer/Cher
crossover episode of THE X FILES (9.25pm, Sat, BBC1) that's
monochrome, funny, even interesting - for a change... or, as
if you needed it pointed out that you're sitting at home on
a Saturday night, friendless and alone, heeeeere's BRIDGET
JONES NIGHT (8.55pm, Sat, BBC2)... still prefer Sharon
Stone's performance on THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW (11.30pm, Sat,
Paramount) to Scorsese's head-crusher CASINO (10pm, Sun,
C4)... while Pete McCarthy's DESPERATELY SEEKING SOMETHING
(7.30pm, Sun, C4) groks the water-brothers who've based
their religion around defensible Heinlein novel, Stranger In
A Strange Land... appallingly titled THEWEBSTORY.COM
(7.30pm, Mon, BBC2) presumably retreads the "success" of Bob
Cringely's recent C4 net history, though without the
"advantage" of all his out-takes from Triumph Of The Nerds,
and presumably restricted to the boring old WWW... who's on
the most drugs: whoever commissioned the zillionth gritty,
realistic etc police drama THE COPS (9pm, Mon, BBC2)? or
whoever thought that C4's contribution to the narcotics
debate (most evenings, special "season") wouldn't end up
like "Smack Me Up Gun-Bitch" from The Adam And Joe Show?...
banks=Nazis, uncovers TIMEWATCH (9pm, Tue, BBC2)... and
whose sex lives would you rather not know about: precocious
adolescents in shock-doc TEEN SPIRIT (10.40pm, Tue, ITV)? or
Jonathan Ross, Carol Smillie and Vanessa Feltz - not
together, we hope! - in THE TRUTH ABOUT... SEX APPEAL (9pm,
Tue, ITV)?... fresh, new LATE LUNCH "WITH MEL AND SUE" (6pm,
Wed, C4) now only once a week, presumably to avoid spreading
ingredients too thinly... and there's hope for parents
everywhere, as polite mum Janet learns to love death metal
while on tour with "Cradle Of Filth" in LIVING WITH THE
ENEMY (9pm, Wed, BBC2) - the band responsible for such
jaunty toe-tapping albums as "The Principle Of Evil Made
Flesh", "Dark Faerytales In Phallustein", and (who could
forget?) "Total Fucking Darkness"...
FILM>> some above-average history-plundering this time from
Disney, but the same terrible songs in MULAN (imdb:
cross-dressing / training / martial-arts / china /
based-on-true-story / boot-camp / disney-animated-feature /
based-on-poem / women-soldiers / folklore / dragon / legend
/ army-life / impersonation / sexism / cricket). And good to
see McDonalds saluting the youth-feminist message with their
tie-in Oriental (Spare) McRib... plus a better-than-usual
Hitchcock remake - though lacking Dial M For Murder's
original 3D gimmick - twists and turns through A PERFECT
MURDER (imdb: power / affair-extramarital / greed / jealousy
/ murder / artist / money) - described by Roger Ebert as
part of his "Fatal Basic" genre (sex between bad people who
live in good houses - and one of them is usually Michael
Douglas)... otherwise it's limited-release French stuff -
THE DREAM LIFE OF ANGELS (imdb [under "Vie rêvée des anges,
La"]: playboy / friendship / suicide / dreams / hospital /
coma / shoplifting / class-differences / sewing-machine /
casual-work / young-woman) or RIEN NE VA PLUS (imdb:
black-comedy / mafia / gambling / deception / role-playing /
thief / money). Quelle horreur!...
RED BOOK AUDIO>> is it just us, or does the new U2 single
sound just like cult '80s Frankenstein tribute "China In
Your Hand", by T'PAU?... still no news of whether ACE OF
BASS really are going to sue T-SPOON for "Sex On The Beach"
sounding too much like AOB's 1993 hit, "The Sign". And why
doesn't the blonde one in Ace Of Bass ever appear in
interviews or videos or even properly in focus on the cover
of the new album? It's because *she's being hunted by a
stalker!*... our top compilation of the moment: CD number 2
stuck to the front of clearly desperate, objectively
disgusting Nestle brekkie cereal GOLDEN GRAHAMS. (Very)
varied Radio 1 Evening Session-style highlights include the
first RIALTO single, and almost BRA-like novelty techno from
THE EGG and upcoming album-mongers FUZZ TOWNSEND - who, in
both name and musicianship, remind us of the theme from '70s
kids Saturday morning TV show, The Fun Factory... ORBITAL
tell NME their new album will be most "jolly" so far,
promise single consisting entirely of samples of Rolf Harris
Stylophone... tribute band for PUFF DADDY pick unfortunate,
all-too predictable name of MUFF DADDY... which *is* the
best UK music news site? http://www.dotmusic.com , or that
"Dominator" guy who just lists all the current singles
releases?... and finally, farewell to AntiNews instigators
THE SHAMEN, who finally halt their shameless partying like
its 1989 with their new, final album UV due Monday 19/10/98.
(Intentionally) hilarious sign-off at http://www.nemeton.com
warns shocked fans that no material "will be given
further terrestrial release", though the band "will continue
to collaborate, via their higher aspects, in the 4th
Dimension". The band blame mathematical differences...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
It is registered at the Post Office as "more viewers than New Media Age"
NEED TO KNOW
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