_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the UK>
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- GARY KASPAROV
Deep Blue is now World Grandmaster and SUPERMAN, WHERE ARE YOU?
>> HARD NEWS <<
sleep you will lose
It's one of those recurring nightmares. You're supposed to be
giving a MACWORLD NEW YORK keynote but you haven't got
anything to announce, your wife is due to give birth any
minute - AND YOU'RE STILL CEO OF APPLE!! Aarrrgh! Wisely
depriving himself of sleep, a red-eyed Steve Jobs managed to
pad out a single modem upgrade announcement to over 110
minutes of non-stop reality field distortion. Most of the
talk was centred on how great the August launch of the new
iMac was going to be, and Job's belief that the new consumer
Macintosh is the re-incarnation of the original Macintosh.
The rest was pure Steve, leading some commentators (us) to
conclude that that "i" stands for "Me, Steve Jobs, back
again, KING OF THE WORLD". Which made it all the more
chilling when the creepy Microsoft representative announced
that "we're responsible for the 'i' in iMac". Must... Wake... Up.
- or maybe, must... stay... awake...
- AppleRecon's theory on the inspiration for iMac
Last month's POP3 exploit continues to wreak havoc on
several unnamed UK net companies, as sysadmins found their
users' directories razed to the ground by marauding
script-kiddies. Most managed to keep it quiet, and restore
from backups. Web space provider EASYSPACE faired worse: not
only did they, seemingly, not *have* any backups, but they
got plastered with media-hot "hacking" team MILW0RM's
thoughts - cleverly replacing EasySpace's government
propaganda sites (drew-barrymore.com, pornheadz.com) with
their own political expose that nuclear testing "could lead
to nuclear war". As opposed to the HUGE FREAKING LIZARDS the
military-entertainment complex led you to believe. Comsymp's
in the media celebrated the "first agit-prop hack", omitting
to note some of Milw0rm's slightly less pretty
- ah! *Racist* script kiddy freedom fighters!
So, MICROSOFT are doing well, and Microsoft UK decides to
reward its executives. A big name comedy act is booked; the
bulk of Reading's finest is ferried out to watch a *feast* of
entertainment. The act arrives. The execs, cruel and
happy with drink, start heckling: jeer the comedian for being
a fat slob. After a while, he's had enough. "Hey", he says,
"that Netscape browser - it's not bad, is it? Does the
fooking job, doesn't it?". Silence falls. "And what about
that Windows 98 - bloody waste of time, that is, isn't it?
Doesn't even BLOODY INSTALL PROPERLY, DOES IT?". Microsoft
execs, out-heckled by their own hired comedian, sit in
stunned silence. Their boss takes his turn on the stage. He's
wearing a funny comedy wig. "What are we?", he shouts, "what
are we?". The crowd mutters, in tones barely audible, "we're
the next generation." "That's *right*", says their boss.
Another week working for the world's most popular software
- some positions still available!
- Linux's favourite comedian
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
"Lesbians order Internet baby", says EVENING STANDARD (and
reveals it is illegal "to store sperm without a license")...
SYZYGY win Yell Awards for sites designed by how many
ex-staff?... Banner ad for FHM asks "Have you ever licked a
woman's toes?", appears on CHILDREN'S ITV site...
REPUBLICANS accuse China of nicking bits of US satellite,
then blowing it up in launch "accident"... GUARDIAN ONLINE
investigates the "Newsnet" groups (p.4) ... Kim Neilson,
referee in the Argentina/England game, no longer answering
his e-mails... woefully unfunny http://www.topfive.com
loses sponsor... Terraserver site showcases -- Visual
Basic? http://www.ntk.net/doh/terra980710.gif >> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
The on-off monthly meeting of THE LONDON VIRTUAL ON CLUB
appears to be, ahem, back on again for 2pm, this Sun
12/07/98 at Namco Wonderpark, Great Windmill St, London
(Piccadilly Circus tube). Not too interesting for those
unobsessed with Sega's cyber-trooper beat-'em-up, but
Wonderpark is always worth a visit, for a) the current Namco
token/UKP exchange rate (7 for 5 quid!) and b) the only
installation we've found of QUAKE ARCADE machines, high-spec
PCs in stand-up cabinets that link to an IP server when you
select "multi-player". Oh, and c) the game character
sketches on the public noticeboard downstairs.
- quicker to visit in person than download these huge images
- *and* the Quake fire buttons are too far from the trackball
>> TRACKING <<
A bunch of type-in listings for the ATARI 400 might sound
like we're pushing our retro obsession to breaking point,
but these games aren't to be played. They're there to make
you feel old. Or if you're not old enough, they're there
to show you how young it all was. GREG KNAUSS, creator of
An Entirely Other Day and some other stuff you haven't read
but may have heard of, narrates his 8 bits of fame at:
- start at Upward, then go downhill
More non-executable code from RU SIRIUS, although there's an
executive in there somewhere, he hopes. The king of Mondo
has decided to stand for the presidency (again) - only this
time it does seem as though he's taking it - well,
seriously. He's looking for volunteers to help him launch
THE REVOLUTION (R) party. With campaign pledges like a
"Manhattan Project Toward Utopia", legalisation of all drugs
(anti-news), and "an end to all corporate welfare", we don't
know what to think. We barely know where to look. We just
keep staring at the prose.
- fight John Perry Barlow in a ugly civil war!
- no, fight Queen Mu
- no, fight Alfred E. Neumann
- hell, just buy his book. the guy's starving
>> MEMEPOOL <<
hasta la altavista
Internet Dolphin Racing ... referrals you don't want:
http://i.am/a.gaylord ... DIY Darth Detail:
http://www.studiocreations.com/stormtrooper/ ... open the
Doors of mastication: http://www.anarchista.com/jim.html ...
DIGITAL RADIO to replace clearly *appalling* FM quality
radio... look like me! http://www.clearplastic.com/ ...
Americans think the talking TELETUBBY doll says "bite my
butt"... ICA tempt fate with newly restocked SPARCs and
http://www.newmediacentre.com/kidnap/ ... you think NT Web
exploits are bad? Wait till somebody checks the HAL disk
callbacks... New Phrack! ... Are you compliant?
http://dsmlingerie.com/dsm/personal/y2k/msw.html ... PC
torturing: http://www.codebook.pp.se/cgi-bin.html ... RIC
FLAIR is the new HANK, THE ANGRY DRUNKEN DWARF -
http://www.pathfinder.com/time/time100/toppersonmain.html >> GEEK MEDIA <<
may contain strongly-typed language
TV>> Bill Oddie narrates FRANKIE STEIN'S ROBOT (3.55pm, Fri,
ITV), possibly part of cross-channel build-up to repeated -
but non-widescreen - special edition of TERMINATOR 2:
JUDGMENT DAY (9.35pm, Fri, BBC1)... BBC must really be
worried (and rightly) about C4's triple new comedy fest,
with the "weeing" episode of FRIENDS (9pm, Fri, C4),
original reruns of FRASIER (10pm, Fri, C4), and for anyone
who hasn't downloaded them all yet, first terrestrial outing
of hyped cartoon filth SOUTH PARK (11.40pm, Fri, C4) - new
series starts on Sky in October... they replace the actors,
but BUGS (6.35pm, Sat, BBC2) just can't be killed...
one-joke beardie Bill Bailey presides over 5 hours of free
support for Godzilla marketing campaign in MONSTER NIGHT
(from 9pm, Sat, BBC2), with "who'd win in a fight?" games,
suitably rubbish remake KING KONG (10.30pm, Sat, BBC2), and
Only 20 mins for LEE AND HERRING'S REASONABLY SCARY MONSTERS
(10pm, Sat, BBC2), featuring Carol Vorderman...
similarly-themed MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 (12midnight,
Sat, Sci-Fi Channel) mocks Brit Toho clone Gorgo (shown
"straight" on Fri), one week before the US airing!... here's
hoping they show us round the backstage medical area, always
the Rollerball-scariest bit of THE BRITISH GRAND PRIX
(12.55pm, Sun, ITV)... the World Cup Final absorbs both
EASTENDERS and CORONATION STREET (around 7pm, Sun, BBC1 &
ITV)... and the "oddly compelling" LORD LOVE A DUCK
(12.15am, Sun, BBC2) is, of course, Heathers as a '60s
Californian beach movie... bioweapons and nukes proliferate
in scary docus PLAGUE WARS (10pm, Mon, BBC1), EQUINOX (9pm,
Tue, C4), respectively... although theme park advert BILLION
DOLLAR FUNFAIRS (10.40pm, Tue, ITV) has an equally
appropriate title... BLACK BOX (9pm, Wed, C4) gives
"official" version of TWA jumbo explosion - not to be
confused with the "Ride On Time" early '90s chart-toppers of
the same name... sublimely subliminal anti-capitalist
beat-'em-up THEY LIVE (12.45pm, Wed, some ITV) may be John
Carpenter's last great movie... and can licence payers
complain they're not getting WATCHDOG: VALUE FOR MONEY (7pm,
Thu, BBC1) when the first show largely consists of tubby
Vanessa Feltz tasting ice cream?...
FILM>> again, not much in the way of nutty old Hollywood
blockbusters but, heck, now you can always rent STARSHIP
TROOPERS... also glamorising stupidity, but more touchingly
than Dumb And Dumber, SLING BLADE (imdb: drama / homophobia
/ mental-institution / band / based-on-short-film /
interview / abuse / retarded / murder / father-figure) at
last delivers a major lead role for Armageddon cameo star
Billy Bob Thornton!... sadly not a swift sequel to the
supercool Dark City, MAD CITY (MPAA rated: PG-13 "for
depiction of a hostage situation, including violence and
brief language") sticks Travolta, Hoffman in heavy-handed
media satire where the real hostage is - the truth (yeah,
think about it)... if you thought Elmore Leonard thriller
adaptations were bad, wait till you see bonkers evangelist
rant TOUCH (imdb: romance / paranormal / stigmata / tabloid
/ exploitation / alcohol / sect / marital-abuse / saint /
church / tv / religion / miracle / comedy / drama)... else
it's offbeat jump-cutting Aussie murder mystery in KISS OR
KILL (imdb: thriller / road)... intriguingly unfunny
gangster musical MOJO (imdb: drama / 1950s / based-on-play /
rock'n'roll)... or UKP30,000 Asians-behaving-badly
controversy GURU IN SEVEN (imdb: not listed) - and, no, it's
not how about many minutes Amigas would run for before
MAGS>> unsurprising news that FUTURE PUBLISHING plans a
yet-untitled adult-oriented multi-format lifestyle games mag
(read: "yet more unattractive cover models"), amid promising
claims from new editor of EDGE that the current pompous,
anonymous glossy is "going to be removing its head from its
arse" (personal communication)... still, the hilariously
titled FORM@T POWER may have beaten them to it, a UKP1.50
fortnightly, design similar to those "young person"
supplements that come with newspapers. Again, "lifestyle"
seems to mean ridiculing "anoraks" and doing celeb
interviews, yet Issue 1 talks to to IRON MAIDEN and TERRY
PRATCHETT! Bwahahaha... the still-dull TOMORROW'S WORLD
MAGAZINE takes on MENSA QUEST directly with a free
covermounted booklet of IQ tests. How smart are you? Well,
dumb enough to still believe in a single quantitative
measure of human "intelligence", apparently... and finally,
the ever-reliable .NET turns on the Killer Net fiasco it was
promoting not so long ago, with an editorial dissing the
show for depicting users as "sex-obsessed loons". They're
so outraged, they're even featuring the KN screensaver on
this month's cover CD...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
It is registered at the Post Office as "having left the building".
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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